conuly: (Default)
conuly ([personal profile] conuly) wrote in [community profile] agonyaunt2024-01-22 03:56 pm

(no subject)

DEAR ABBY: I am uncomfortable about being touched. I have been this way all my life. As a child, my parents forced me to hug and kiss relatives, and if I protested, I was reprimanded. I remember being dragged and pushed toward people.

After I became an adult, I decided to tell people I no longer want to be hugged or kissed. While most people respect that, my parents do not. They hug me even more often now, and think it's funny. They laugh as they do it and say, "Oh, you don't like this, do you?!"

When I protest, they start with the guilt trip, telling me they are my parents and they are allowed to touch me. My mother gives an exaggerated sigh and looks down like a child who's been deprived of a toy.

They can't get it through their heads that this is about me, and not them. They have told me that I've "gone weird," but this isn't something new. As a child, I couldn't speak up because I was chastised for it. How can I get them to respect my boundaries? I don't want to start a feud, as they are good to me in every other way, but I'm starting to dread seeing them. -- KEEP OFF IN SCOTLAND


DEAR KEEP OFF: Some parents don't understand that what they do can affect their children for the rest of their lives. Your parents are a prime example.

A way to get the message across to them would be to explain it to them just as you have to me: You were young and defenseless, and in spite of your protests, they forced you into physical contact with people. Tell them you realize that it had everything to do with their egos and how they wanted you to be perceived instead of accepted as the individual you were and are. NO ONE has the right to touch you if you do not want to be touched.

If your parents continue forcing their physical demonstrations of "affection" (which seem to me more like demonstrations of dominance) over your protests, recognize it for what it is -- a mild form of sadism (no, I'm not kidding). See them less often, and be sure they know why.

Link
laurajv: Holmes & Watson's car is as cool as Batman's (Default)

[personal profile] laurajv 2024-01-22 09:07 pm (UTC)(link)
...yeah, I'm with you on that. Or hands. That's OK too.
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[personal profile] dissectionist 2024-01-23 03:50 am (UTC)(link)
LW screaming every time they try to hold them would probably dissuade them quick too. Hearing a scream at very short range is not a pleasant experience, and while most people aren’t going to want to assault their parents, screaming isn’t a physical attack.
minoanmiss: A detail of the Ladies in Blue fresco (Default)

[personal profile] minoanmiss 2024-01-22 09:38 pm (UTC)(link)
Dear LW: how about a spray bottle?
laurajv: Holmes & Watson's car is as cool as Batman's (Default)

[personal profile] laurajv 2024-01-22 10:10 pm (UTC)(link)
thank you for this reply, which reminded my adhd-having ass that i need to go buy a glass soap dispenser
minoanmiss: sleeping lady sculpture (Sleeping Lady)

[personal profile] minoanmiss 2024-01-23 04:22 pm (UTC)(link)

hee!glad to help :)

princessofgeeks: (Default)

[personal profile] princessofgeeks 2024-01-23 02:31 am (UTC)(link)
I love this idea.
mildred_of_midgard: (Default)

[personal profile] mildred_of_midgard 2024-01-22 09:58 pm (UTC)(link)
seem to me more like demonstrations of dominance

Ding ding ding, we have a winner!
haggis: (Default)

[personal profile] haggis 2024-01-22 10:01 pm (UTC)(link)
I agree wholeheartedly with the point Abby is making but does she honestly believe that this sentence would help?

Tell them you realize that it had everything to do with their egos and how they wanted you to be perceived instead of accepted as the individual you were and are.

The parents response to "Please don't hug me" was mockery and more physical contact. These are not people who don't understand what they are doing, they are people who enjoy the LW's discomfort. Reasons are for reasonable people.

The only option is to make it clear that they can either treat the LW with respect or the LW will walk away.
melannen: Commander Valentine of Alpha Squad Seven, a red-haired female Nick Fury in space, smoking contemplatively (Default)

[personal profile] melannen 2024-01-22 10:48 pm (UTC)(link)
Yeah, I sympathize with the general thrust of the response, but that is terrible practical advice.

LW, your parents aren't interested in your discomfort or understanding it. They almost certainly will refuse to accept that they forced you to do things that were bad for you, because it wouldn't fit their idea of what kind of parents they were. The more you push the idea that you never liked hugging, the more they will be motivated to prove you wrong.

Just give them consistent flat no's, and if they push past your no's, the next step is taking actions to prevent them from hugging you, like only visiting them in the company of someone who does respect your no's who is willing to physically interpose themself. Or only seeing them in relatively large gatherings, and being willing to make it extremely awkward around all their friends if they ignore your no - arguments that won't work on them directly might have an effect if used in front of people they actually respect.

If those don't work enough to change the behaviour, then your options are pretty much accept it or stop seeing them.
jamoche: Prisoner's pennyfarthing bicycle: I am NaN (Default)

[personal profile] jamoche 2024-01-22 11:26 pm (UTC)(link)
Embrace the punk look: get a bunch of spiky belts and wear all of them.

That would've been my plan if I'd ever considered being pregnant.
joyeuce: (Default)

[personal profile] joyeuce 2024-01-24 05:35 pm (UTC)(link)
I love this and wish I'd thought of it when I was pregnant!
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[personal profile] mommy 2024-01-23 01:37 am (UTC)(link)
I have a lot of sympathy for the LW. Extended physical contact with most people (hugs, arms around my shoulders, being leaned on, etc.) makes my skin crawl and there are a lot of folks who take my discomfort as a personal insult. The simplest fix I've found is to just not be near those people, even if that means missing out on social activities.
p_cocincinus: (Default)

[personal profile] p_cocincinus 2024-01-23 05:35 am (UTC)(link)
I'm reminded of the (perhaps apocryphal) story about the person who used an air horn to correct the consistent misgendering of a family member. LW might have luck trying that on their parents too.
kiezh: Text: Apparently it was going to be one of those days when people made no sense whatsoever. (mina de malfois says people make no sens)

[personal profile] kiezh 2024-01-23 07:38 am (UTC)(link)
The way I stopped certain family members from tickling me as a kid (very painful for me, not at all funny) was by training myself to reflexively shoot out a sharp elbow, forcefully, right into whatever squishy part of them was nearest. It's important that this was a reflexive reaction and not a decision to attack them, because my defense when they threw fits about elbow bruises was "*shrug* That's just how I react when people hurt me! Guess you shouldn't tickle me if you don't want to be elbowed."

When I was hurting and they were laughing, they could somehow convince themselves it was all in good fun and kept doing it. When *they* got hurt, every single time, somehow it wasn't an appealing pastime anymore!

Anyway, LW, you're an adult now and don't have to do this dance anymore. If they won't stop touching you, don't get within touching distance of them. If they complain about that, be a broken record: "I'll spend time with you if you promise not to touch me." And then if they make and break that promise, leave immediately. The punishment has to be consistent and immediate or it won't make any impression.

Wouldn't it be great if sweet reason worked, and telling people they're hurting you made them want to stop doing that? Yeah, I wish that too.

(You could also try elbowing them violently every time they try to hug you, and then laughing in their faces and saying "You don't like that, do you!" Probably not worth the social backlash, but I confess I'd be tempted.)
katiedid717: (Default)

[personal profile] katiedid717 2024-01-23 04:32 pm (UTC)(link)
I definitely feel for this letter writer. In my case it's not even that I don't like being touched in general, it's that some family members hug for too long - don't trap me. I've jokingly-but-not-really said around that the best thing about the pandemic was being allowed to say "no thanks" to hugs and kisses.

I love that kids now are being taught about consent and bodily autonomy from a young age, and I try very hard to respect that with my nieces and nephews - like, it's one thing to grab the 2-year-old if she's about to run headfirst into a table or fall off the stairs, completely different to insist on a hug when she doesn't want one. These kids only see me a couple times a year, I'm not going to force them into anything they aren't comfortable with.