![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
Entry tags:
(no subject)
DEAR ABBY: I am uncomfortable about being touched. I have been this way all my life. As a child, my parents forced me to hug and kiss relatives, and if I protested, I was reprimanded. I remember being dragged and pushed toward people.
After I became an adult, I decided to tell people I no longer want to be hugged or kissed. While most people respect that, my parents do not. They hug me even more often now, and think it's funny. They laugh as they do it and say, "Oh, you don't like this, do you?!"
When I protest, they start with the guilt trip, telling me they are my parents and they are allowed to touch me. My mother gives an exaggerated sigh and looks down like a child who's been deprived of a toy.
They can't get it through their heads that this is about me, and not them. They have told me that I've "gone weird," but this isn't something new. As a child, I couldn't speak up because I was chastised for it. How can I get them to respect my boundaries? I don't want to start a feud, as they are good to me in every other way, but I'm starting to dread seeing them. -- KEEP OFF IN SCOTLAND
DEAR KEEP OFF: Some parents don't understand that what they do can affect their children for the rest of their lives. Your parents are a prime example.
A way to get the message across to them would be to explain it to them just as you have to me: You were young and defenseless, and in spite of your protests, they forced you into physical contact with people. Tell them you realize that it had everything to do with their egos and how they wanted you to be perceived instead of accepted as the individual you were and are. NO ONE has the right to touch you if you do not want to be touched.
If your parents continue forcing their physical demonstrations of "affection" (which seem to me more like demonstrations of dominance) over your protests, recognize it for what it is -- a mild form of sadism (no, I'm not kidding). See them less often, and be sure they know why.
Link
After I became an adult, I decided to tell people I no longer want to be hugged or kissed. While most people respect that, my parents do not. They hug me even more often now, and think it's funny. They laugh as they do it and say, "Oh, you don't like this, do you?!"
When I protest, they start with the guilt trip, telling me they are my parents and they are allowed to touch me. My mother gives an exaggerated sigh and looks down like a child who's been deprived of a toy.
They can't get it through their heads that this is about me, and not them. They have told me that I've "gone weird," but this isn't something new. As a child, I couldn't speak up because I was chastised for it. How can I get them to respect my boundaries? I don't want to start a feud, as they are good to me in every other way, but I'm starting to dread seeing them. -- KEEP OFF IN SCOTLAND
DEAR KEEP OFF: Some parents don't understand that what they do can affect their children for the rest of their lives. Your parents are a prime example.
A way to get the message across to them would be to explain it to them just as you have to me: You were young and defenseless, and in spite of your protests, they forced you into physical contact with people. Tell them you realize that it had everything to do with their egos and how they wanted you to be perceived instead of accepted as the individual you were and are. NO ONE has the right to touch you if you do not want to be touched.
If your parents continue forcing their physical demonstrations of "affection" (which seem to me more like demonstrations of dominance) over your protests, recognize it for what it is -- a mild form of sadism (no, I'm not kidding). See them less often, and be sure they know why.
Link
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
hee!glad to help :)
no subject
no subject
Ding ding ding, we have a winner!
no subject
Tell them you realize that it had everything to do with their egos and how they wanted you to be perceived instead of accepted as the individual you were and are.
The parents response to "Please don't hug me" was mockery and more physical contact. These are not people who don't understand what they are doing, they are people who enjoy the LW's discomfort. Reasons are for reasonable people.
The only option is to make it clear that they can either treat the LW with respect or the LW will walk away.
no subject
LW, your parents aren't interested in your discomfort or understanding it. They almost certainly will refuse to accept that they forced you to do things that were bad for you, because it wouldn't fit their idea of what kind of parents they were. The more you push the idea that you never liked hugging, the more they will be motivated to prove you wrong.
Just give them consistent flat no's, and if they push past your no's, the next step is taking actions to prevent them from hugging you, like only visiting them in the company of someone who does respect your no's who is willing to physically interpose themself. Or only seeing them in relatively large gatherings, and being willing to make it extremely awkward around all their friends if they ignore your no - arguments that won't work on them directly might have an effect if used in front of people they actually respect.
If those don't work enough to change the behaviour, then your options are pretty much accept it or stop seeing them.
no subject
That would've been my plan if I'd ever considered being pregnant.
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
When I was hurting and they were laughing, they could somehow convince themselves it was all in good fun and kept doing it. When *they* got hurt, every single time, somehow it wasn't an appealing pastime anymore!
Anyway, LW, you're an adult now and don't have to do this dance anymore. If they won't stop touching you, don't get within touching distance of them. If they complain about that, be a broken record: "I'll spend time with you if you promise not to touch me." And then if they make and break that promise, leave immediately. The punishment has to be consistent and immediate or it won't make any impression.
Wouldn't it be great if sweet reason worked, and telling people they're hurting you made them want to stop doing that? Yeah, I wish that too.
(You could also try elbowing them violently every time they try to hug you, and then laughing in their faces and saying "You don't like that, do you!" Probably not worth the social backlash, but I confess I'd be tempted.)
no subject
I love that kids now are being taught about consent and bodily autonomy from a young age, and I try very hard to respect that with my nieces and nephews - like, it's one thing to grab the 2-year-old if she's about to run headfirst into a table or fall off the stairs, completely different to insist on a hug when she doesn't want one. These kids only see me a couple times a year, I'm not going to force them into anything they aren't comfortable with.