minoanmiss (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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agonyaunt2020-07-01 11:35 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2020-07-01 11:35 am
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Dear Prudence: My BIL needs a kidney, my husband doesn't want me to donate mine
Q. Life-or-death decision? My brother-in-law is in desperate need of a kidney and has been approved for being on the list to obtain a cadaver kidney. However, the expected wait time for him is longer than he’s likely to survive on dialysis. His best chance of survival is to obtain a kidney from a living donor. I’m one of the few people in his life healthy enough to be a donor. I’ve contacted the hospital to ask to be tested to see if I would be a compatible donor. In discussing and researching the issue, I suspect there’s a reasonable chance I’ll turn out to be compatible. My husband is adamantly opposed to my being a living donor for my brother-in-law and does not want me to even be tested. To put things into context, I tend to go overboard in doing things for others—as my brother would put it, I have a “savior complex.” Over the years, I’ve begun to realize I overdo it to the extent of sometimes negatively impacting our lives, which understandably irritates my husband, and I’ve worked hard at scaling back.
Second, this brother-in-law is not our favorite person. We disagree on pretty much every political and religious issue, but more importantly, he’s just not a kind person anymore, having become judgmental and critical as well as controlling of my sister. He wasn’t like that years ago, and the 30 years he’s spent dealing with this serious illness probably has a lot to do with the change in personality. Unfortunately, my husband never knew him before he became ill, has only ever seen this side of him, and strongly dislikes him.
I don’t know whether my husband is bothered by who I’d be donating a kidney to or if he’s afraid it’ll be a problem for me to live with just one kidney. At this point, I’m punting the decision, telling him I’ll go forward with being tested because if I’m not compatible, there won’t even be a decision to be made. If I turn out to be compatible, we’ll make a decision together at that point. If he continues to oppose it, though, I really don’t know how to deal with it. I can’t imagine letting my brother-in-law die if I could prevent it, yet know doing it without getting my husband’s agreement would permanently affect our relationship. We’ve been together for over two decades, get along amazingly well, and I surely don’t want to ruin what we have. How do I convince my husband and/or decide between my brother-in-law’s life and our relationship if I can’t convince him?
A: The question of how your health and quality of life might be affected by a possible kidney donation is one you can get real, practical answers on, by speaking to a doctor before, during, and after testing for compatibility. Potential donors aren’t just screened for the health of their kidneys, but evaluated pretty thoroughly by a team whose sole priority is the donor’s safety. I’m curious how, or whether, you see your current situation as part of a “savior complex.” What has “scaling back” looked like over the years? Would your husband agree that you’ve scaled back significantly, or do you two differ? Has your brother-in-law ever asked you to donate a kidney? Have you two ever discussed the possibility? Does he know that you’re getting tested for compatibility? Where did the idea come from, and whom have you discussed it with besides your husband? If you’re not sure about the nature of your husband’s objections, you can ask him flat-out: “Are you more concerned about possible health risks if I make the donation? Or are you bothered by the fact that it’s my brother-in-law?”
If you do not move ahead with kidney donation, it does not mean that you will be personally responsible for your brother-in-law’s possible death. I also think it’s possible for you to have loving, thorough, respectful conversations with your husband about the situation and ultimately say to him, “This is really important to me, and I’m going to move ahead with testing even if you disagree.” Both options are available to you, and there are good cases to be made for either side. My strongest advice is this: Punting is going to stop working at a certain point, so you need to figure out what you want, what risks you are and aren’t willing to run, what you think might be motivating you, what outcomes you fear the most, and what outcomes you desire the most (not to mention thinking about other ways you can offer your brother-in-law, and your sister, love and support). And don’t frame this as “my brother-in-law’s life” versus “my marriage”—you are not the only thing standing in between your brother-in-law and death, and it won’t help you make a decision if you start thinking of yourself as his only hope in the world. Good luck.
Second, this brother-in-law is not our favorite person. We disagree on pretty much every political and religious issue, but more importantly, he’s just not a kind person anymore, having become judgmental and critical as well as controlling of my sister. He wasn’t like that years ago, and the 30 years he’s spent dealing with this serious illness probably has a lot to do with the change in personality. Unfortunately, my husband never knew him before he became ill, has only ever seen this side of him, and strongly dislikes him.
I don’t know whether my husband is bothered by who I’d be donating a kidney to or if he’s afraid it’ll be a problem for me to live with just one kidney. At this point, I’m punting the decision, telling him I’ll go forward with being tested because if I’m not compatible, there won’t even be a decision to be made. If I turn out to be compatible, we’ll make a decision together at that point. If he continues to oppose it, though, I really don’t know how to deal with it. I can’t imagine letting my brother-in-law die if I could prevent it, yet know doing it without getting my husband’s agreement would permanently affect our relationship. We’ve been together for over two decades, get along amazingly well, and I surely don’t want to ruin what we have. How do I convince my husband and/or decide between my brother-in-law’s life and our relationship if I can’t convince him?
A: The question of how your health and quality of life might be affected by a possible kidney donation is one you can get real, practical answers on, by speaking to a doctor before, during, and after testing for compatibility. Potential donors aren’t just screened for the health of their kidneys, but evaluated pretty thoroughly by a team whose sole priority is the donor’s safety. I’m curious how, or whether, you see your current situation as part of a “savior complex.” What has “scaling back” looked like over the years? Would your husband agree that you’ve scaled back significantly, or do you two differ? Has your brother-in-law ever asked you to donate a kidney? Have you two ever discussed the possibility? Does he know that you’re getting tested for compatibility? Where did the idea come from, and whom have you discussed it with besides your husband? If you’re not sure about the nature of your husband’s objections, you can ask him flat-out: “Are you more concerned about possible health risks if I make the donation? Or are you bothered by the fact that it’s my brother-in-law?”
If you do not move ahead with kidney donation, it does not mean that you will be personally responsible for your brother-in-law’s possible death. I also think it’s possible for you to have loving, thorough, respectful conversations with your husband about the situation and ultimately say to him, “This is really important to me, and I’m going to move ahead with testing even if you disagree.” Both options are available to you, and there are good cases to be made for either side. My strongest advice is this: Punting is going to stop working at a certain point, so you need to figure out what you want, what risks you are and aren’t willing to run, what you think might be motivating you, what outcomes you fear the most, and what outcomes you desire the most (not to mention thinking about other ways you can offer your brother-in-law, and your sister, love and support). And don’t frame this as “my brother-in-law’s life” versus “my marriage”—you are not the only thing standing in between your brother-in-law and death, and it won’t help you make a decision if you start thinking of yourself as his only hope in the world. Good luck.