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Please - stay the hell out of your grown children's dating lives!
1. DEAR ABBY: My son has completely given up on dating. Whether it's blind dates, casual meetings with members from our church or dating events I pay for and make him go to, he still hasn't found a wife. At 36, he should already have children and a partner, but despite the best efforts of my wife and me, he remains unmarried.
Our son is 6 feet tall, athletic and godly, and he has his own apartment and clears $100k a year. Despite all this, he still doesn't have a wife. It's even reached the point that he gets angry at my wife and me for pressuring him. During a few of the blind dates we set up for him, I watched from afar, and each time he was stood up! How can I ensure my son gets a wife before I grow too old? -- DAD LOSING HOPE IN NEW YORK
DEAR DAD: If you are sincere about this question, STOP EVERYTHING YOU HAVE BEEN DOING. Your son's chances of finding a wife will increase the further you step back. Has your tall, athletic, successful and godly son told you he even WANTS to be married? As many of the women whose letters I publish express, not all men do.
Link one
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2. Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a wonderful son in his early 20s. He is intelligent, articulate, has a great sense of humor and taste in music, is very responsible (he’s even managed to save a sizable chunk of cash at a young age), and is very handsome. I realize I have a biased view here, but I get comments all the time about what a wonderful young man he is. In school and employment, his teachers, co-workers, and supervisors have always raved about him. I couldn’t possibly be prouder. There’s just one problem…
He is struggling socially, and more specifically on the romantic front. He’s not a drinker or partier, so he doesn’t engage in a lot of the typical activities that others in his age group do, and that leaves him going to work, then coming home. He’s lonely, unhappy, and has no confidence in himself. The one time he attempted to date in high school, he was met with some rejection, and he just hasn’t put himself out there again. I see how much it’s hurting him to see others his age dating, getting engaged, and even married, and I’ve heard him make comments about how he’d like those things for himself as well. I know that there would be lots of women who would love to date a young man like my son. I encouraged him to set up a profile on a dating site, and he did, but nothing has come of that either. I don’t want to meddle or interfere, but I hate to see how hurt he is.
We have talked over and over about how he will need to push outside of his comfort zone (our house) if he wants to meet someone. He has had professional counseling for social anxiety, which I’ve encouraged and helped facilitate. He’s so miserable being alone, and I want so badly to help him, that I’ve considered trying to set up a date for him myself, but I don’t want to be THAT mom. I love my son, and I want to help him find his happiness. What should I do here? How can I help him? I can’t help thinking that getting him out on one date to break the ice would maybe be just what he needs. Or maybe this is all none of my business? It’s hard to ignore when he lives in my home and shares with me how much this is hurting him. Any advice is greatly appreciated!
—Maybe Meddling Mama
Dear Maybe Meddling Mama,
Are you meddling? Sure. But your heart is in the right place, and your son is not alone. Survey after survey insists Gen Z is “the loneliest generation.” And although there are many factors seemingly to blame, one that often stands out in most analyses of the situation is that, today, technology is so often used to replicate in-person human-to-human interactions. So while your son might be on a dating app, it might not be the best way for him to meet and truly connect with people.
I like to explain my personal disdain for dating apps in this way: For me, I don’t think it can encapsulate the things that make me most attractive, or that draw me to other people. The way your face lights up when you talk about something you care about, the way you laugh, how you listen intently—these are things that can make you build a genuine connection with someone at an event, in a meeting, or even at a chance encounter at the grocery store. We try our best to take full advantage of technology, but for many people, it’s really difficult to make connections on an app that are strong enough to ever move to in-person meetups.
I wouldn’t focus on helping your son find a date, though. Instead, help him find places and situations in which he can be around people with similar interests. This will help him open up his social circle and give him more opportunities to meet people. The dates might follow. This could be anything from a sports league tied to his industry to a monthly Dungeons & Dragons group. But being in community with people will widen the aperture of his world and help him meet people who have similar likes and interests. Truly, the benefits will be there—it will do wonders for his confidence! Even if there aren’t any immediate love connections, he’ll be invited more places and start to meet even more friends of friends. This way, he’ll be making real connections—and you won’t be pushing him into a relationship.
—Arionne
Link two
Our son is 6 feet tall, athletic and godly, and he has his own apartment and clears $100k a year. Despite all this, he still doesn't have a wife. It's even reached the point that he gets angry at my wife and me for pressuring him. During a few of the blind dates we set up for him, I watched from afar, and each time he was stood up! How can I ensure my son gets a wife before I grow too old? -- DAD LOSING HOPE IN NEW YORK
DEAR DAD: If you are sincere about this question, STOP EVERYTHING YOU HAVE BEEN DOING. Your son's chances of finding a wife will increase the further you step back. Has your tall, athletic, successful and godly son told you he even WANTS to be married? As many of the women whose letters I publish express, not all men do.
Link one
2. Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a wonderful son in his early 20s. He is intelligent, articulate, has a great sense of humor and taste in music, is very responsible (he’s even managed to save a sizable chunk of cash at a young age), and is very handsome. I realize I have a biased view here, but I get comments all the time about what a wonderful young man he is. In school and employment, his teachers, co-workers, and supervisors have always raved about him. I couldn’t possibly be prouder. There’s just one problem…
He is struggling socially, and more specifically on the romantic front. He’s not a drinker or partier, so he doesn’t engage in a lot of the typical activities that others in his age group do, and that leaves him going to work, then coming home. He’s lonely, unhappy, and has no confidence in himself. The one time he attempted to date in high school, he was met with some rejection, and he just hasn’t put himself out there again. I see how much it’s hurting him to see others his age dating, getting engaged, and even married, and I’ve heard him make comments about how he’d like those things for himself as well. I know that there would be lots of women who would love to date a young man like my son. I encouraged him to set up a profile on a dating site, and he did, but nothing has come of that either. I don’t want to meddle or interfere, but I hate to see how hurt he is.
We have talked over and over about how he will need to push outside of his comfort zone (our house) if he wants to meet someone. He has had professional counseling for social anxiety, which I’ve encouraged and helped facilitate. He’s so miserable being alone, and I want so badly to help him, that I’ve considered trying to set up a date for him myself, but I don’t want to be THAT mom. I love my son, and I want to help him find his happiness. What should I do here? How can I help him? I can’t help thinking that getting him out on one date to break the ice would maybe be just what he needs. Or maybe this is all none of my business? It’s hard to ignore when he lives in my home and shares with me how much this is hurting him. Any advice is greatly appreciated!
—Maybe Meddling Mama
Dear Maybe Meddling Mama,
Are you meddling? Sure. But your heart is in the right place, and your son is not alone. Survey after survey insists Gen Z is “the loneliest generation.” And although there are many factors seemingly to blame, one that often stands out in most analyses of the situation is that, today, technology is so often used to replicate in-person human-to-human interactions. So while your son might be on a dating app, it might not be the best way for him to meet and truly connect with people.
I like to explain my personal disdain for dating apps in this way: For me, I don’t think it can encapsulate the things that make me most attractive, or that draw me to other people. The way your face lights up when you talk about something you care about, the way you laugh, how you listen intently—these are things that can make you build a genuine connection with someone at an event, in a meeting, or even at a chance encounter at the grocery store. We try our best to take full advantage of technology, but for many people, it’s really difficult to make connections on an app that are strong enough to ever move to in-person meetups.
I wouldn’t focus on helping your son find a date, though. Instead, help him find places and situations in which he can be around people with similar interests. This will help him open up his social circle and give him more opportunities to meet people. The dates might follow. This could be anything from a sports league tied to his industry to a monthly Dungeons & Dragons group. But being in community with people will widen the aperture of his world and help him meet people who have similar likes and interests. Truly, the benefits will be there—it will do wonders for his confidence! Even if there aren’t any immediate love connections, he’ll be invited more places and start to meet even more friends of friends. This way, he’ll be making real connections—and you won’t be pushing him into a relationship.
—Arionne
Link two
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LW2 is at least motivated by concern, but what they need to do is encourage their son to a. considered medication if the anxiety is not improving and b. absolutely stop with this nonsense idea that romantic partnerships are the be all and end all! They're just adding more stress to something that their kid is already stressed about! Does Son have friends? (Not that I particularly want to encourage Son to worry about that either, it must be counterproductive, but geez, you can't keep thinking that one person is it.)
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Flag on the play, and I think it's a red one.
It's totally fine not to be a drinker and partier. I am not myself what one might call a drinker or partier, nor was I in my early 20s. But focusing on "I'm not like the others" is not the way to find people who are, in fact, like you...or are unlike you in delightful ways. The leap in the middle there is very self-defensive/self-justifying: if only our delightful son was like the hoi polloi, he'd find things easier, but alas, he's better than that. What if he's just different than that? Which is what Arionne is saying, but...without dismantling the assumption.
Also hell yes to the post title, stay out of it, parents.
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I yelled. What is this bizarre arbitrary number?? It sure seems like Son has a life plan that his parents don't agree with/approve of, and they're going to extreme lengths to force him to fit in with theirs. Listen to Abby, guys, unless you want to wonder why you don't get to meet grandkids.
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Please tell me the reason you know that is not the Mike Johnson and Son No-Fap App.
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I laughed really hard about the parent in #1 describing their own child as "godly" and then realized they probably didn't mean it in the romance novel way. "Devout" or "observant" or "a regular churchgoer" is more likely what they mean, right?
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