agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I received a worrisome email from our 20-something-year-old son, a graduate student some distance away. He wrote that he is recovering from wounds of his childhood. (We thought we were loving, supportive parents.) He indicated he will come home for visits only if we comply with his demands -- about 10 were listed -- and accused us of some things we never did.

On the advice of my counselor -- I have a history of depression, which is in remission -- I wrote agreeing to his demands in order to keep the lines of communication open. My husband refuses to do this. He is overwhelmingly hurt, angry and frustrated. He says he will not walk on eggshells in his own home. Our son is our only child. What can or should we do? -- HEARTBROKEN IN OHIO

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Nobody should have to walk on eggshells. If ever I heard of a family that could benefit from family counseling, you three are it. Your doctor or insurance company can refer you to someone who is licensed and competent. Please don't wait.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2319477

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I will never, ever get tired of letters that carefully elide the complaint so we can't adequately judge it. In this case, the lack of even one "demand", the fact that the therapist, after presumably seeing the demands, advised going along with them, and the phrase "walking on eggshells" leads me to think that LW's husband is definitely at fault here and LW was either at fault or at least an enabler during their son's childhood.

Oh abby, do you have to be so Clueless?

And relationship and family counselling is not a good idea with potential abusers.

And relationship and family counselling is not a good idea with potential abusers.

I feel I end up saying that at least once a week.

I don't understand why Abby even published this letter. It's too vague to be either useful to a reader or scandalous and click-earning. The answer is bland and nonspecific. It's possible to read just about anything into it because it's content-free, so I'm sure the commenters are having a self-righteous field day, but who is helped by this in any way?

My thoughts exactly!

Is Abby just copy-and-pasting Issendai's estrangement essays for her letters now? This takes in the Missing Missing Reasons, Estranged Parents and Boundaries, and "we were perfectly adequate parents", at least, and I think there are probably a couple more.

Abby would do better if she were doing that.

thought that too, yeah

They absolutely did those things. 100%.

Also, kid, don't go home they're lying.

It sounds like maybe

a) son was verbally/emotionally/physically abused; or

b) son was subject to pressure to be religious; or

c) son was subject to pressure to pretend to be straight; or

d) son was subject to pressure to pretend to be cis and binary; or

e) son was given a hard time about his eating/weight.

Edited 2020-02-02 05:05 (UTC)

Most likely, although "son was pressured about his grades" is also an option.

If your therapist is on board with son's therapist/and or realisations that should tell you a whole lot, LW.