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agonyaunt2022-12-13 12:50 pm
petrea_mitchell) wrote in agonyaunt2022-12-13 12:50 pm
Entry tags:
Why Tho?: How do I get my friend to call Whole Man Disposal Service?
Actual headline: Why Tho? How can I encourage my friend to dump her unnecessarily mean boyfriend?
Dear Lizzy,
I have a friend who is dating a guy I think is bad for her. He is every red flag in the book. He is condescending, throws tantrums when things don’t go his way and is unnecessarily mean. He is pretty much every terrible guy Taylor Swift has ever written a song about.
Whenever she tells me about their relationship, I try to listen and come from a place of non-judgement, but it’s getting harder for me to do that. I’m concerned that she may end up moving in with or getting engaged to this person.
Am I out of line to tell her that I think she should break it off? She’s an adult and has to make her own decisions, but every time she tells me about their relationship it sounds more and more toxic, and I’m worried about her. What can I say to her that doesn’t judge or push, but also encourages her to see that this is a bad situation?
Resisting the Urge To Yell “DUMP HIM”
Dear Resisting the Urge To Yell “DUMP HIM,”
I’ve had an advice column now for almost two years, which makes me an intermediate-beginner advice-giver. In the last two years, I’ve realized letters frequently fall into categories like “Spouse being annoying,” and “Bad neighbor.” Probably the most common category is one I will call “My friend is sleeping with the wrong person.”
Friends, it seems, are always sleeping with the wrong person. Why? Why can’t they just get it together to sleep with the correct people?
Funny thing: I don’t get many letters from people who themselves are sleeping with the wrong person. Though I do get some. Still, I think it’s a lot easier to look outward and see and judge someone else than it is to look at yourself critically and objectively.
None of this is to say that I disagree with you. Your friend’s boyfriend sounds like a nightmare and you are certainly right that your friend should dump him. But, and this is always the “but,” you can’t say that to your friend and expect the results you want.
The “My friend is sleeping with the wrong person” category is really a sub-category of the “Someone who isn’t me is doing something self-destructive” category. Here is the thing about other people: You cannot change them. You can only change yourself.
This doesn’t mean give up trying to help your friend get out of this relationship. It just means you need to help your friend in a way that doesn’t push her away. Screaming “dump him!” is not effective, but gently questioning your friend about her relationship, asking her open-ended, non-judgemental questions like, “How does he make you feel?” can be.
You can listen and follow your friend’s lead. If she asks you what you think about something toxic her boyfriend does, you should tell her honestly. If she talks about wanting to end the relationship, you can offer any help she might need and emotional support.
Some people, a lot of people, think being single is the worst fate they could suffer. Consider if you are promoting this narrative and instead offer examples of how that isn’t true.
And then, if she stays with him, you have to decide – is watching your friend refuse to change her situation a deal-breaker for your friendship? If it is, tell her that and walk away. If it isn’t, accept that she may never change, create boundaries that work for you and remain in her life, available for support if she ever does choose to leave.
And don’t lose hope. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again I am sure: Until I met my husband when I was 32 years old, I exclusively slept with the wrong people. I am grateful to my friends who listened to me complain and stayed friends with me, even as I didn’t take their advice and made the same mistakes over and over again.
Good luck!
Lizzy
Dear Lizzy,
I have a friend who is dating a guy I think is bad for her. He is every red flag in the book. He is condescending, throws tantrums when things don’t go his way and is unnecessarily mean. He is pretty much every terrible guy Taylor Swift has ever written a song about.
Whenever she tells me about their relationship, I try to listen and come from a place of non-judgement, but it’s getting harder for me to do that. I’m concerned that she may end up moving in with or getting engaged to this person.
Am I out of line to tell her that I think she should break it off? She’s an adult and has to make her own decisions, but every time she tells me about their relationship it sounds more and more toxic, and I’m worried about her. What can I say to her that doesn’t judge or push, but also encourages her to see that this is a bad situation?
Resisting the Urge To Yell “DUMP HIM”
Dear Resisting the Urge To Yell “DUMP HIM,”
I’ve had an advice column now for almost two years, which makes me an intermediate-beginner advice-giver. In the last two years, I’ve realized letters frequently fall into categories like “Spouse being annoying,” and “Bad neighbor.” Probably the most common category is one I will call “My friend is sleeping with the wrong person.”
Friends, it seems, are always sleeping with the wrong person. Why? Why can’t they just get it together to sleep with the correct people?
Funny thing: I don’t get many letters from people who themselves are sleeping with the wrong person. Though I do get some. Still, I think it’s a lot easier to look outward and see and judge someone else than it is to look at yourself critically and objectively.
None of this is to say that I disagree with you. Your friend’s boyfriend sounds like a nightmare and you are certainly right that your friend should dump him. But, and this is always the “but,” you can’t say that to your friend and expect the results you want.
The “My friend is sleeping with the wrong person” category is really a sub-category of the “Someone who isn’t me is doing something self-destructive” category. Here is the thing about other people: You cannot change them. You can only change yourself.
This doesn’t mean give up trying to help your friend get out of this relationship. It just means you need to help your friend in a way that doesn’t push her away. Screaming “dump him!” is not effective, but gently questioning your friend about her relationship, asking her open-ended, non-judgemental questions like, “How does he make you feel?” can be.
You can listen and follow your friend’s lead. If she asks you what you think about something toxic her boyfriend does, you should tell her honestly. If she talks about wanting to end the relationship, you can offer any help she might need and emotional support.
Some people, a lot of people, think being single is the worst fate they could suffer. Consider if you are promoting this narrative and instead offer examples of how that isn’t true.
And then, if she stays with him, you have to decide – is watching your friend refuse to change her situation a deal-breaker for your friendship? If it is, tell her that and walk away. If it isn’t, accept that she may never change, create boundaries that work for you and remain in her life, available for support if she ever does choose to leave.
And don’t lose hope. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again I am sure: Until I met my husband when I was 32 years old, I exclusively slept with the wrong people. I am grateful to my friends who listened to me complain and stayed friends with me, even as I didn’t take their advice and made the same mistakes over and over again.
Good luck!
Lizzy
no subject
no subject
So: I think it's important to get it on the record that a) you don't like that she's dating this guy, and b) you're going to be supportive and listen to her either way, and c) you're not going to harp on it but you wanted to say it once. (If someone has a rolling pattern of dating people everyone knows are bad for them, you can take it as unsaid eventually, but if this is the first time, it's worth saying.) The rest of the advice is good though, take it from there.
(Though I think it's also important for someone in this situation to learn that "I don't like your boyfriend" and "I don't think your boyfriend is good for you" are two often unrelated statements. From the letter, I don't know if LW has figured that out. Also, "I don't like your boyfriend, therefore your relationship is bad" is never productive; "I don't like your boyfriend *because* your relationship is bad" tends to work better. Keep the focus on how how they are together, and what you know about him as filtered through her, not who he is fundamentally as a person, if you want her to listen at all.)
no subject
Although it is sometimes a REAL effort to bite that back!!
I wonder if your friend would have done better with gentle inquiries than the I-need-to-stay-out-of-it approach from her friend group… but I have also seen people NOT take those well, so it’s hard to know what will work with a given individual.
no subject
But also, yeah, that was a case where he's actually a generally nice guy we all liked but he really needed to not be in a relationship with the kind of person who would wear herself out doing his laundry and taxes for him. There are also cases where it's the other way around, the relationship actually seems fine it's just the guy is like nails on a chalkboard to you, in which case it's fine to tell her you don't want to spend time with the guy, just don't present it as a reason they need to break up and it'll go over a lot better.
no subject