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Dear Care and Feeding,
My sister had her first child when I was 18 and her second when I was 20. (She’s eight years older than I am.) She lives a little over an hour from me, and we’ve always had a good relationship. I watched the kids regularly when I was in college, working around my class schedule, and I continued to do so for many years since, during the summer and on days off from school (I am a teacher). The kids are now 16 and 18, and I have a solid relationship with both of them. I also got married and had two kids of my own.
My sister-in-law is pregnant with her first baby. When I mentioned, at a gathering of my family, the Easter-themed pajamas I had bought for the baby (in what I hope will be the right size for next year), my sister got upset.
She pointed out that I’m “already hosting her [my SIL’s] baby shower,” and complained that I was now “also buying stuff for her baby for a holiday that isn’t even a gift-giving one.” I was surprised. I told her the pajamas were on clearance and I’d picked them up on impulse because they were cute. She responded that I had never bought anything for her kids for Easter when they were young. I said that was true, I hadn’t: I had been a broke college student at the time and also not a parent myself, so my awareness of things like that was much lower. She asked if I was going to continue buying things for that child on every other non-gift holiday—“Saint Patrick’s Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving?” I told her I might if I happened to see something I thought was cute; I jokingly asked if she’d like me to buy matching pajamas for her kids for Halloween this year if I found them.
She got even angrier and said she hopes my SIL appreciates all that I am doing for her because not everyone gets that from their family (very clearly meaning she hadn’t gotten that from me). I told her she was right—not everyone gets $1.99 Easter pajamas for their baby. But maybe some people got years of free babysitting, often with little to no notice, instead of cheap pajamas, because that’s what I was able to give at the time. She got up and left. I tried calling and texting her; she hasn’t responded. My mother has told me that my sister has talked to her about it, that my comment had hurt her, and that I was holding the child care I had done over her head. My mother thinks I should apologize.
I have no idea where this is coming from. It’s very out-of-character for her. I can’t believe she’s jealous about a pair of pajamas (or whatever that gift represents) for another baby when I have always had/still maintain a close relationship with her children. Our brothers also have kids we are both close to, and she has never acted like this. Can I just ignore her unreasonable behavior or do I actually have to address it? I usually have a cookout and host both sides of our family around the start of summer. I’d like to be confident that my SIL won’t be the object of my sister’s wrath that day just because she has the audacity to be pregnant with my future niece or nephew. But how?
—Aunt to Others, Too
Dear Aunt to Others,
Look, something is afoot here that has nothing to do with those pajamas. Your sister is going through something (you say yourself that this is out of character for her). Would it be possible for you to set aside your outrage for the moment and ask her, gently, what’s going on? If she snaps back at you, stay cool and point out that this isn’t like her, that you know something must be going on with her. It wouldn’t hurt to tell her that you love her and that you’re sorry this has stirred something up in her. I wouldn’t even mention the kids—the yet-to-be-born one or the two you’ve been so close to all their lives. I don’t think this is about the kids at all.
I understand why you were so irritated when she gave you a hard time about the damn pajamas—I’m not saying I don’t. But unless she’s had a longstanding habit of devaluing your contribution to her (and her kids’) life, I think it’s fair to cut her some slack while you try to get to the bottom of her reaction. Ignoring what’s happened between you doesn’t seem to me a viable option, unless you want to see this bad moment turn into a permanent chill.
I do find myself wondering if you’ve been simmering with resentment over the years of free child care you provided (for which perhaps she has never adequately expressed gratitude?), so that her outsized reaction to the news of the Easter-themed PJs was just what you needed to set you off. Again, if so, I don’t blame you. But a conversation seems to be in order if you care about your sister and your relationship with her. If she won’t pick up the phone, leave a loving, worried message. Should you apologize for holding your years of child care “over her head”? I don’t think that’s necessary (though it was a pretty quick escalation). What you might apologize for, however, is unintentionally hurting her. It is always a good idea to apologize for that.
—Michelle
Link
My sister had her first child when I was 18 and her second when I was 20. (She’s eight years older than I am.) She lives a little over an hour from me, and we’ve always had a good relationship. I watched the kids regularly when I was in college, working around my class schedule, and I continued to do so for many years since, during the summer and on days off from school (I am a teacher). The kids are now 16 and 18, and I have a solid relationship with both of them. I also got married and had two kids of my own.
My sister-in-law is pregnant with her first baby. When I mentioned, at a gathering of my family, the Easter-themed pajamas I had bought for the baby (in what I hope will be the right size for next year), my sister got upset.
She pointed out that I’m “already hosting her [my SIL’s] baby shower,” and complained that I was now “also buying stuff for her baby for a holiday that isn’t even a gift-giving one.” I was surprised. I told her the pajamas were on clearance and I’d picked them up on impulse because they were cute. She responded that I had never bought anything for her kids for Easter when they were young. I said that was true, I hadn’t: I had been a broke college student at the time and also not a parent myself, so my awareness of things like that was much lower. She asked if I was going to continue buying things for that child on every other non-gift holiday—“Saint Patrick’s Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving?” I told her I might if I happened to see something I thought was cute; I jokingly asked if she’d like me to buy matching pajamas for her kids for Halloween this year if I found them.
She got even angrier and said she hopes my SIL appreciates all that I am doing for her because not everyone gets that from their family (very clearly meaning she hadn’t gotten that from me). I told her she was right—not everyone gets $1.99 Easter pajamas for their baby. But maybe some people got years of free babysitting, often with little to no notice, instead of cheap pajamas, because that’s what I was able to give at the time. She got up and left. I tried calling and texting her; she hasn’t responded. My mother has told me that my sister has talked to her about it, that my comment had hurt her, and that I was holding the child care I had done over her head. My mother thinks I should apologize.
I have no idea where this is coming from. It’s very out-of-character for her. I can’t believe she’s jealous about a pair of pajamas (or whatever that gift represents) for another baby when I have always had/still maintain a close relationship with her children. Our brothers also have kids we are both close to, and she has never acted like this. Can I just ignore her unreasonable behavior or do I actually have to address it? I usually have a cookout and host both sides of our family around the start of summer. I’d like to be confident that my SIL won’t be the object of my sister’s wrath that day just because she has the audacity to be pregnant with my future niece or nephew. But how?
—Aunt to Others, Too
Dear Aunt to Others,
Look, something is afoot here that has nothing to do with those pajamas. Your sister is going through something (you say yourself that this is out of character for her). Would it be possible for you to set aside your outrage for the moment and ask her, gently, what’s going on? If she snaps back at you, stay cool and point out that this isn’t like her, that you know something must be going on with her. It wouldn’t hurt to tell her that you love her and that you’re sorry this has stirred something up in her. I wouldn’t even mention the kids—the yet-to-be-born one or the two you’ve been so close to all their lives. I don’t think this is about the kids at all.
I understand why you were so irritated when she gave you a hard time about the damn pajamas—I’m not saying I don’t. But unless she’s had a longstanding habit of devaluing your contribution to her (and her kids’) life, I think it’s fair to cut her some slack while you try to get to the bottom of her reaction. Ignoring what’s happened between you doesn’t seem to me a viable option, unless you want to see this bad moment turn into a permanent chill.
I do find myself wondering if you’ve been simmering with resentment over the years of free child care you provided (for which perhaps she has never adequately expressed gratitude?), so that her outsized reaction to the news of the Easter-themed PJs was just what you needed to set you off. Again, if so, I don’t blame you. But a conversation seems to be in order if you care about your sister and your relationship with her. If she won’t pick up the phone, leave a loving, worried message. Should you apologize for holding your years of child care “over her head”? I don’t think that’s necessary (though it was a pretty quick escalation). What you might apologize for, however, is unintentionally hurting her. It is always a good idea to apologize for that.
—Michelle
Link
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Which doesn't necessarily mean apologies should not be made, but it's a reason.
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[math] So the sister is 8 years older than LW, meaning she was about 26 when she had her eldest, who is now 18, and the sister is 44 and the kid is probably on the verge of if not actually moving out and probably the sister is having a wiggins? Like, the overreaction to the $2 pjs is a lot and the failure to appreciate the free babysitting is even more, but for me it's not a huge leap to see this as a giant midlife SITUATION and be gentle with the sister accordingly.
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