Ask Amy: Harassment interferes with friendship

[minoanmiss]

I’ve been friends with “Marianne” since high school. I was a bridesmaid in her wedding. My problem stems from her husband, “Chris.”

I had only met him once before their wedding. My boyfriend was unable to attend, and as a single woman I was heckled by most of the “married” groomsmen, who loudly speculated that I was wearing a thong (not true — I was wearing absolutely normal underwear).

I decided to abstain from drinking, as the groom’s crowd made me nervous.

While Marianne was on the dance floor, her new husband approached me. Chris was quite drunk and started making sexual comments to me. I tried to keep the conversation light and got away from him as soon as possible.

A year later a mutual friend of ours got married. Again, Chris got drunk and started having another weird conversation with me while Marianne was elsewhere. Later that night we were all dancing as a group and he flipped me over his shoulder. I was extremely uncomfortable and embarrassed. I avoided him for the rest of the night.

Several months later, we went to a festival with friends. While his wife was sitting right across from us, he again started whispering sexual comments to me.

Up until recently I was making excuses for him. My boyfriend said, “If he’s making you uncomfortable, you’re reading the situation correctly.”

Should I tell Marianne that Chris is looking for people outside of the marriage? I’m sure that if he’s made advances with me, he has done this with others.

Should I just avoid him at all costs? Or just grow a backbone and tell him I’m not interested and if he wants to be with other people he shouldn’t be married to my friend?
She deserves better.

GUILTY FRIEND

A. “Chris” is sexually harassing you. This might not be a case of him looking to have a relationship outside of his marriage. He is doing this because he feels like it, and because he can. He chooses his moments, hiding in plain sight and in front of others when he believes he can’t be overheard. This is brazen, obnoxious, and creepy.

His behavior is an assertion of power, and yes — if you feel safe doing so — you should tell him, directly and loudly, to knock it off: ”Stop it. Stop sexually harassing me. Stop speaking to me. Back off.”

And then, by all means, tell your friend. Report truthfully to her that Chris has been sexually harassing you, that you’re sick of it, and that you have told him to stop.

Tell her that you would like to maintain your lengthy friendship with her, if possible, but that you will be maintaining a distance from him.

Then ask her if she is OK. It must be hard to be married to someone like this.

Comments

[princessofgeeks]

That poor wife.

This actually happened to me with my second husband. And at the time I was so far gone in codependent fusion that I could not hear what my friends were telling me about his absolutely unacceptable behavior. I look back on that period with such sadness. I really fucked up my life by getting together with that creep. So glad that ended. (This was back in the 80s.)

[kshandra]

The advice is spot-on, but I have to confess I wanted a PS noting that thongs are also "absolutely normal underwear." (It would have derailed the conversation, though, so it's likely just as well.)

[conuly]

And a second postscript noting that whether she was wearing granny panties or nothing at all, her underwear was not an acceptable topic of conversation.

[lilysea]

The husband could just be a clueless sexual harrasser

but he might be a man deliberately planning on trying to alienate all his wife's friends so that if he's violent/abusive, she doesn't have any support. :(

[princessofgeeks]

Or both.

[dissectionist]

All of this, but also have your phone recording so you can get his comments, because otherwise she may well pull the denial routine. You know he’ll pull his shit if he sees an opportunity, so start the recording prior to having to take a seat near him.

[michelel72]

... if legal in your jurisdiction. (It isn't in mine -- and "oh but no one would know!" doesn't help, because there's a decent chance she's in the tank for her harasser husband and would press charges.)