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Dear Care and Feeding,
My family and I live down the block from my sister and her family. They went away for spring break to visit her in-laws and tasked my 12-year-old daughter “Blair” with feeding their tropical fish while they were gone.
The day before they were due back, Blair went over in the morning to feed the fish and discovered they were all dead. It turned out that the tank heater had failed at some point during the previous day after Blair took care of them. The problem is that my sister is blaming Blair for “killing” her fish and demanding that we pay for new ones. Blair feels terrible about what happened, but she did a temperature check of the water before she left on the last day they were alive, and the temperature was where it was supposed to be (she had been writing it down on the daily temperature log, so we know for sure), so there was no negligence on her part. I explained this to my sister, but she won’t budge. Now she says Blair and her cousins (with whom she is very close) can’t play together until we pay for new fish. My husband thinks this is outrageous, and I agree. Even so, would buying some new fish be worth it so we can put this in the rearview mirror for Blair’s sake?
—Fish Fallout
Dear Fallout,
Are you sure this is about the fish? What’s your relationship with your sister like, anyway? It is outrageous for her to demand that you pay to replace the fish that died because of her faulty heater. (Has Blair talked to her herself? Does she think Blair is lying? Or are you the one doing all the talking, relaying to your sister what Blair has told you—and does she think you are lying? Do you and your sister have a long history of anger and bitterness between you? Or does your sister have a history of lashing out and blaming others for her misfortunes?)
Whatever is behind this, you need to have a conversation. Giving in to your sister’s blackmail, replacing the fish “for Blair’s sake,” so that she will be allowed to play with her cousins, will put only this very specific situation in the rearview mirror—it will not solve the underlying problem. If that problem cannot be solved (or if you don’t care enough to want to solve it; if your relationship with your sister has always been rocky and you’re fine with keeping the status quo), but you don’t want the kids to suffer for it, I would go ahead and pay for the fish if you can afford it, simply to keep the peace. But I would have a frank talk with Blair about why you’re doing this. Otherwise, it will be very confusing to her, as it suggests that you do consider her at fault.
And if the matter is “resolved” in this way, I would definitely not have her be “tasked” with any house- or pet-sitting or other duties for her aunt in the future. Give her permission to politely decline such requests.
But oh how I hope—optimist that I am—that you and your sister can have a healthy, honest, authentic conversation that provides insight for both of you into the real reasons for this conflict, and that your relationship going forward is itself healthier, more honest, and more authentic. It is what I wish for everyone.
Link
My family and I live down the block from my sister and her family. They went away for spring break to visit her in-laws and tasked my 12-year-old daughter “Blair” with feeding their tropical fish while they were gone.
The day before they were due back, Blair went over in the morning to feed the fish and discovered they were all dead. It turned out that the tank heater had failed at some point during the previous day after Blair took care of them. The problem is that my sister is blaming Blair for “killing” her fish and demanding that we pay for new ones. Blair feels terrible about what happened, but she did a temperature check of the water before she left on the last day they were alive, and the temperature was where it was supposed to be (she had been writing it down on the daily temperature log, so we know for sure), so there was no negligence on her part. I explained this to my sister, but she won’t budge. Now she says Blair and her cousins (with whom she is very close) can’t play together until we pay for new fish. My husband thinks this is outrageous, and I agree. Even so, would buying some new fish be worth it so we can put this in the rearview mirror for Blair’s sake?
—Fish Fallout
Dear Fallout,
Are you sure this is about the fish? What’s your relationship with your sister like, anyway? It is outrageous for her to demand that you pay to replace the fish that died because of her faulty heater. (Has Blair talked to her herself? Does she think Blair is lying? Or are you the one doing all the talking, relaying to your sister what Blair has told you—and does she think you are lying? Do you and your sister have a long history of anger and bitterness between you? Or does your sister have a history of lashing out and blaming others for her misfortunes?)
Whatever is behind this, you need to have a conversation. Giving in to your sister’s blackmail, replacing the fish “for Blair’s sake,” so that she will be allowed to play with her cousins, will put only this very specific situation in the rearview mirror—it will not solve the underlying problem. If that problem cannot be solved (or if you don’t care enough to want to solve it; if your relationship with your sister has always been rocky and you’re fine with keeping the status quo), but you don’t want the kids to suffer for it, I would go ahead and pay for the fish if you can afford it, simply to keep the peace. But I would have a frank talk with Blair about why you’re doing this. Otherwise, it will be very confusing to her, as it suggests that you do consider her at fault.
And if the matter is “resolved” in this way, I would definitely not have her be “tasked” with any house- or pet-sitting or other duties for her aunt in the future. Give her permission to politely decline such requests.
But oh how I hope—optimist that I am—that you and your sister can have a healthy, honest, authentic conversation that provides insight for both of you into the real reasons for this conflict, and that your relationship going forward is itself healthier, more honest, and more authentic. It is what I wish for everyone.
Link
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