Ask Natalie: Adults-Only Invitation

[cereta]

DEAR NATALIE: My husband and I are fairly young, and we have many close friends who have children. We still get together with these friends regularly, and most of the time their children are also welcome. We love their kids, and some of the children are practically like nieces and nephews to us! But occasionally an event will pop up that is simply not appropriate for children.

For example, my husband and I recently had a party at our house, and we invited close to 40 people. We knew it would be crowded and not the type of party for children, however we struggled with how to communicate this to our friends. Our friends always just assume their kids are invited. We don't want to outright say, "Your children aren't invited and you need to pay for a sitter," but we don't know what the alternative is. Any advice would be appreciated. -- ADULTS ONLY

DEAR ADULTS ONLY: I love kids. Just so I don't get a bunch of angry emails after giving my advice, I repeat: I love kids! However, I don't love kids at cocktail parties. Or any event after 6 p.m. that doesn't involve them directly. Your friends chose to have children, and I think it is fabulous that you are close to their kids. However, it is unrealistic for your friends to assume that you always want to see their kids at your adult parties.

The next time you send out a Facebook invite, eblast, mass text message or formal invite, make it very clear that this is an "adults-only event." If your friends ask if they can bring their kids, be polite but firm. "As much as I love (little Shiloh or Zelda), this is just a party for the adults. I know you understand, and I hope you can make it!" Leave it there. Direct communication is the best. (But not in a "Real Housewives" wine glass-throwing-sort-of-way).

Comments

[cereta]

You know, I am not doubting that there are people who will be offended by having their kids left off an invite. I am not doubting that there are parents who will bring their kids even when the invite is specifically addressed only to the parents (happened at my wedding).

I am a little boggled at the notion that it's either terribly difficult or terribly radical to put "please note, this event is adults-only" on an invite.

(Also, whee! New-to-me columnist!)

[kaberett]

Right?! My social circle does "children welcome!", "children welcome but there will be swearing", "children welcome until 6pm", etc etc etc.

[ambyr]

My social circle seems to err in the opposite direction, such that even when I put "children welcome!" in an invite I end up having a lot of anxious, "Is it REALLY okay if I bring the kids? I mean, REALLY?" one-on-one conversations with people.

[amireal]

As a childfree type, I run into the Parental Entitlement Bullshit a lot more than some, it's not only considered radical by some, but RUDE to invite someone with kids and then exclude the kids. It BOGGLES the mind. Honest to god. Then again, I've run into ADULTS that don't get that sometimes life decisions means tough choices later on. Like if you can't get a babysitter (or afford one) then you sometimes have to miss out on things you want to do. That's what being a responsible adult IS.

[jadelennox]

we had friends who got actively angry when we told them their children were not welcome at an event which involved much drunkeness and also adult content. Apparently "I don't want someone else's kids in my house if I am planning on being wasted, even if they are too young to understand any inappropriate content" was a rude request. Or so I was told.

[shirou]

As a parent myself, I cannot understand parents who find it appropriate to bring children to all venues. I would never bring my children to a cocktail party or fancy restaurant. Not only would other people not want them there, I wouldn't want them there. I'd be embarrassed and too worried about maintaining control of the kids to enjoy myself. (I love kids' menus at restaurants because they're a clear indication kids are welcome.)

An explicit adults-only invitation is not only acceptable, but appreciated. While I would probably assume a cocktail party is adults-only, it's best not to leave parents guessing whether their children will be welcome. I have a friend who recently brought her daughter to an adults-only Christmas party because she didn't realize the party was adults-only, and the invitation didn't say so.

The flip side: A host should not take offense when parents decline an adults-only invitation because they can't--or simply prefer not to--find a sitter for the night. For any parent, childcare concerns come first, and socializing is a distant second. Facts of life.

[lunabee34]

I completely agree with everything you've said here. Absolutely, kids should not be invited to some events. This is why my husband and I take turns staying home when we're invited to those kinds of events; now my older daughter is old enough that she can babysit her sister, and that is a lovely thing!

[shirou]

I can’t wait until my eldest is old enough to babysit! Unfortunately, I will have to. He is only five.

[lunabee34]

Heeee. I have a 15 year old and a 4 year old, so that comes in handy.

[minoanmiss]

What is this Earth logic you're using?!