Dear Prudence: My friend keeps bringing a friend I don't like

[lilysea]

Dear Prudence,
Recently my friend Amy made a new friend, Mary. I’ve met her a few times, and while we were polite to each other, she isn’t someone I’d care to interact with more than necessary. I don’t seek her out, nor do I invite her to social events. Mary has slowly become part of my circle of friends. She has made a few comments intimating she’s upset that she hasn’t been invited to some of our get-togethers, but she is in a very different financial bracket than the rest of us. The restaurants and events we choose to go to are pricey. I recently hosted a dinner party for my friends and their plus ones, and Amy brought Mary. I didn’t want her at my house. We’re not friends, and I don’t enjoy her presence. I’m hosting another dinner party for the holidays, and I know Amy will bring Mary. I do not invite people I don’t want to be around to my parties. How do I politely tell Amy to stop bringing Mary?
—She’s Not Invited; She Comes Anyway

A: I certainly hope your dislike for Mary is rooted in something other than “she can’t afford to spend as much money on appetizers as I can,” because the only sin she appears to have committed is being less rich than the rest of your friends. While you’re certainly within your rights not to invite Mary to an event you’re hosting, sending dinner-party invitations with further instructions about who someone can invite as a plus one should be reserved for more extreme cases than this one.

I think your best option is to include Amy on the invitation and find a way to enjoy yourself despite Mary’s presence—surely at a dinner party full of guests you’ll find someone you want to talk to. It would be awkward and, I think, an overexertion of your rights as a host, to send Amy an invitation “plus one,” then add, “but not the one you’d like to bring.” It would be one thing if Mary had said something rude or offensive the last time you’d had her as a guest in your home. In that case you might say something like, “I would love for you to come but I have to ask you not to bring Mary, because she was so rude to Scorinthians last time she visited/monopolized the conversation/stole my dishwasher.” That said, if you simply can’t stand the thought of Mary as a guest in your home, then you should ask Amy not to bring her. If Amy decides not to attend, or is angry with you for asking, then that’s a risk you’re simply going to have to run.

Comments

[the_rck]

It's reading a lot into the situation, but I'm also wondering if Amy and Mary are dating. They might not be, but bringing Mary as a plus one with the LW absolutely sure that it will happen again and again sounds like it's more than 'a new friend' thing. Especially since I'd be surprised if Mary hadn't noticed the LW's hostility. I don't see Mary wanting to go to the LW's dinner parties for anything but a very strong relationship between Mary and Amy. I suppose she could go just for the joy of watching the LW steam, but that seems like an awful lot of effort for a small pleasure.

So... maybe some level of homophobia? Because the whole 'not in our financial bracket' thing is also really weird but is currently a more socially acceptable form of bigotry to display in public.

[zulu]

I had this exact thought!

[redbird]

I think you're right. Most dinner parties don't come with a general "bring a friend" to add up to an even number of people, but someone might well ask "can I bring my new girlfriend?" or "this is for me and Mary, right?"

From that angle, saying the party was "for my friends and their plus ones" sounds like a deliberate attempt not to identify Mary and Amy as a couple, whether that's because the LW is in denial or because, as the_rck suggested, there are circles where class bias is more acceptable than homophobia. If the LW has been reading Dear Prudence for long, she might have known that "I don't want her bringing a girlfriend" wouldn't go over well, but thought "she's too poor for us" would.

[jadelennox]

I thought this as well.

[torachan]

That's how it read to me, too.

[jadelennox]

This is one of the reasons Miss Manners is opposed to plus ones. If you're inviting someone to a dinner party, and you want to invite their significant other, find out their name and invite them. If you only want your friends, only invite your friends. If you don't want people you dislike at your party then you need to control the guest list, not pick and choose who you trust to bring a plus one you like.

Then, if you invite Ahmed's husband but not Lucy's live-in boyfriend, and Lucy is offended, she can choose not to come to your party. But you have the same rules for all your guests.

[minoanmiss]

I was sympathetic to the LW until we got to the classist reason and the hastily buried likely homophobia that the_rck unearthed. I wish the LW weren't a bigoted twit because I'd have liked an answer that didn't need to center on their twitdom. This *is* a problem I've faced -- how do I deal with a friend who has a friend who is, for instance, a loud and assertive "if you don't work you should starve" Libertarian, or talks constantly about how science is sterile and evil and inimical to wonder, or is an arrant mansplainer? Things that aren't as easy to point to as bigoted comments or stealing dishwashers, but which I don't want in my space? Where do we draw the wavy lines between putting up with fallible humans and protecting oneself?

[rosefox]

Wherever you like; it's your space, and you're not obligated to have anyone in it whose presents discomfits you. The whole world requires us to have interactions with fallible humans we dislike. No need to have them at home too.

[kaberett]

The way my social circle usually handles this is broadly "bringing friends or partners who haven't been invited in their own right is probably fine, but please check with us first".

[rosefox]

She has made a few comments intimating she’s upset that she hasn’t been invited to some of our get-togethers, but she is in a very different financial bracket than the rest of us.

What does that have to do with inviting her anywhere? Issue the invitation, and if she can't attend for whatever reason—she's broke, her cat is having surgery, her mom's in town, she's allergic to truffle oil and gold leaf—then she can't.

sending dinner-party invitations with further instructions about who someone can invite as a plus one should be reserved for more extreme cases than this one

There I disagree; every single one of my invitations says "If you want to bring someone who did not personally receive this invitation, ask me first" for occasions as informal as park picnics, and that's a perfectly acceptable blanket policy to have. If Amy wants to bring Mary, Amy can check with you about it. If you don't want Amy to bring Mary, you don't have to let her, and you don't have to give a reason either. Your reasons may be bigoted and bullshit, but it's still your house, and you're not required to have anyone you dislike in your house.

If this leads to Amy no longer coming by—or leads to a lot of your friends no longer coming by—you may want to examine your reasons for excluding Mary and see whether they are bigoted and bullshit. Perhaps someone else will end up being the center of the local social scene and you'll be the one deciding whether to go to a party where you know Mary will be. I'm not saying that any decision is cost-free. But you absolutely unequivocally do not have to have any given person over to your house, or at a party you're hosting, if you don't want to.