Dear Miss Manners: Friends Who Demand Mealtime Silence

[lilysea]

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have three friends who, at times, refuse to talk at all in social situations. I am going to visit one of them as her houseguest.

I suspect that the reason she does not chat or respond to remarks is solely due to her being hard of hearing, but she attributes it to the custom in her family. She does not even respond to practical questions or remarks. I have sat through dinners in total silence.

I suspect that she relies almost totally on lip-reading, hence she chats only when we sit down in a quiet place and she can face me. She will not discuss her hearing without extreme shame and upset. Is it OK if I read, go online, sleep or watch TV (depending on the situation) as I would if I were alone?

The second friend loves to go out for cocktails, but will sometimes sit in silence, barely responding to my questions and not bringing up any topics. I brought along a book to occupy myself during the usual two hours of silence one day, and she remarked angrily, “If I knew you were going to read, I would have brought my book.” I didn’t want to start a fight, so I put the book away and started to talk (that seems to be my job).

The third friend, also on vacation, refused to talk at all at meal times, saying she had to concentrate on her chewing. We were childhood friends and until recently had always chatted during meals. So I turned on the TV and brought a book to the table. She was extremely angry, but still refused to talk.

I am not able to force people to talk, so is it reasonable and polite for me to occupy myself as though I were alone?

GENTLE READER: Apparently your friends, who may well have hearing problems, do not think so. But rather than deal with that difficulty, they seem to consider it reasonable and polite to remain silent while you perform monologues for them -- so perhaps they are not the most trusted sources. Miss Manners also has to wonder how people who argue that they prioritize chewing over conversation have remained friends for this long.

If you are a houseguest or on vacation, the situation emulates an extension of being in one’s own home. You could say, “It seems that you are tired and I do not wish to burden you with conversation. Perhaps you wouldn’t mind if I read or turned on the television, unless there’s something that you particularly wish to discuss.” Or you can claim your own fatigue and retire to your room.

Unfortunately, when you are out in public together, it is not considered polite to otherwise occupy oneself, even if the conversation is strained. Although that has clearly not stopped most of the electronic device-carrying world.

Comments

[deird1]

Somewhat ironic that I'm reading this while my kids are sitting here eating their dinner...

[lilysea]

I have a few thoughts:

is LW discussing off-putting topics at meal time, like the LW's medical/dental issues/procedures; the current state of US politics; or ecological disasters; or epidemics?

are the not-talking friends introverts who desperately need some quiet time to recharge?

are these meals breakfasts, and if so, are the not-talking friends waiting for their Anti-Depressant medication or pain medication to take effect?

are the not-talking friends hard of hearing, and does that mean that talking during a meal is genuinely hard for them because it makes lipreading hard?

the not-talking friend who says they need to concentrate on chewing - do they have a medical/Disability issue that means talking while eating is more likely to result in food going down the wrong way?

Personally I see no issue with "I am feeling really tired, is it okay with you if we both just read a book/read a newspaper/look at our phones/ipads during this meal?" - especially if it is a multi-day houseguest

[jadelennox]

there's only so much the LW can do, though. Giving the LW the benefit of the doubt that they are a reasonable conversationalist who doesn't dominate the conversation, who is comfortable with a reasonable amount of silence, and who is not overwhelmingly awful/microaggressiony about bringing up the topics, if the friends have problems that they are uninterested in adapting to a more conventional mode (whether this is from a mindful decision or from a lack of awareness that they have a socially acceptable choice), that's not something the LW can fix. The best thing they can do is reject invitations to the social situations where their friends don't communicate in the way that LW finds comfortable, and in turn to invite them to the social situations where they do converse.

For example, "Potentially HoH friend, I'm afraid I can't join you for a dinner party, but would you like to come over tomorrow afternoon? The two of us can sit with a glass of wine and chat. Or perhaps you would like to come over and watch this subtitled French movie with me!"

"Cocktails Friend, I'm afraid I can't join you for cocktails next week! However, I would love to have you over just to chat. We can have a cup of coffee and I'd love to hear how your grandchildren are doing."

I agree with you that there is no issue with "is it okay if we both read a book." But beyond that, it seems like LW should stop accepting some of these invitations. If they are uncomfortable situations, I'm not sure what they are gaining from continuing to enter them.

[cereta]

I agree with your last sentence, but it sounds like the friends are not giving LW that option. Or perhaps the key is that the LW needs to ask first?