Dear Abby: Best Friend's Invitation Loses Appeal As Details Are Revealed

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend's best friend asked if we could drive an hour to visit them and their children on Saturday. I've met her twice, and we have chatted a bit online. I have met her fiance only once.

My boyfriend just told me she wants to take off with him to a bar for a birthday drink -- or two -- while I stay at home with her fiance. When I heard about it, I said I am not OK with being excluded. He understood and agreed they would take a walk around the block instead.

When I texted her saying I didn't want to be ditched, she insisted that I need to share him, and her fiance is looking forward to getting to know me better. She also tried to guilt me, saying it's her birthday weekend.

I think she's rude. I've never been to their house, and I'm not friends with her fiance. When you invite a couple over, I believe the expectation is to socialize as a group, not break off. I also think it should have been a request versus something I was told is happening. If she wants to spend time with my boyfriend, they should make separate plans. Can you please weigh in on the etiquette? -- UNEXPECTED PLANS IN THE EAST

DEAR UNEXPECTED: You appear to be the new kid on the block, while your boyfriend, his best friend and the fiance have known one another a long time. The purpose of getting together is for all concerned to have an enjoyable time. If you wouldn't feel comfortable in the situation as it was described, you shouldn't have been pressured to agree, regardless of whether it's her birthday weekend. She was wrong to do that, and yes, it was rude.

Comments

[cereta]

Am I the only one who'd be way more concerned that my boyfriend apparently expected me to be okay with being left alone in someone else's home with a man I barely knew? Just me?

[wordweaverlynn]

Not just you. Also, sounds like she would be left with the kids as well as the fiance, which makes me wonder if she's there to be the babysitter.

Moreover, I'm *really* uncomfortable with the "need to share him" rhetoric.

On the other hand, how long is the visit supposed to be? If they're there for the weekend, I can see the two best friends wanting some time together.

[jadelennox]

If they want some alone time together, though, the BFF should schedule a trip out to see the boyfriend, and not involve the LW at all. And if she doesn't feel comfortable doing that, maybe she should think about why that is.

[xenacryst]

Two and two are not adding up here. Something is missing - whether that's gosh you look like a free babysitter, or your ex and I need some "alone" time wink wink, or fiance and you need some "alone" time wink wink, or so sorry you're the odd one out have a weekend with kids as a consolation prize, some combination of all that. It sounds like it's possibly a short visit - "drive for an hour...on Saturday" doesn't sound like the whole weekend, and by kicking LW out of the plans, it does give the impression that they're trying to do the whole thing without her getting in the way.

Queue litmus test of new relationship: is boyfriend willing to back her up when she's not comfortable with the situation, or is he going to cave to his other friends? The answers will be telling.

[jadelennox]

I red flagged all over that one. Like, I'm sure I'm extra paranoid, but it does not sound like a safe situation.

[shirou]

Am I the only one who'd be way more concerned that my boyfriend apparently expected me to be okay with being left alone in someone else's home with a man I barely knew?

Not being snarky, but I don't see where in the letter it says that. It says the boyfriend relayed his friend's plan but not what he thought about it. It also says he understood and agreed with LW when she objected.

Maybe it would have been better had the boyfriend immediately objected to the plan instead of making LW do it, but asking LW her opinion first doesn't seem like a red flag. I could see myself thinking, "well that seems weird, but it's important to friend, so let me see what my wife thinks." He's supporting LW now, and as long as he continues to do so, that's what matters, right?

[minoanmiss]

You have a point about giving her the choice, but I wish we had some hint that he thought it was a bad plan. I could see saying, "So, I don't think this is a good idea but BFF said we should do this..."

[eleanorjane]

It's not necessarily a bad plan, though; I don't think we know enough from the letter to judge what sort of visit was proposed and whether BFF's request was out of line at all.

[minoanmiss]

I don't at all think couples need to be joined at the hip (in fact I find that idea creepy), but I really wouldn't want to agree to a plan to be left alone with a man I'd never met before.

[eleanorjane]

Well, that's totally fair, and in that situation one would totally want the BF to not just see things from your perspective but have thought of that already so you didn't have to point it out. Not everyone has the same comfort levels though, so I didn't want to assume that was a factor with LW as it's not mentioned in the letter.

[eleanorjane]

I'm a bit more sympathetic to the best friend here, because I've been the best friend in a setup of connections like this ;)

It's entirely possible that the visit is for the whole weekend, and the LW is one of those people who feels partners should do everything together, where LW's Boyfriend + BFF also want a chance to hang out for a bit just with the two of them as a subset of the weekend's socialising. In which case, fair play to the BFF and I think the LW needs to respect their BF's relationships.

It's also possible that the BFF has said to the BF "awesome, you and LW can come down for the weekend and LW can look after the kids while you and I hang out and do our Friend Stuff together, woop woop" and the LW is indeed being used just for free babysitting and should firmly be Not Here For That. :)

I just don't think we know enough from the letter to know; everything is filtered through LW's perspective, and it could be a totally objective accounting of events, or ... it might not.

(Although, on rereading, my sympathy for the LW is evaporating: the BF proposed taking "a walk around the block" with his BFF as an alternative, and LW still feels that's being "ditched". If I were the BFF I would feel quite irked by that - I just want to hang out with my friend for a while and his GF won't even let him go for a walk with me on my *birthday* without insisting on being there.)

[greenygal]

It's unclear, but I think the LW is okay with the walk, since the LW precedes that with "he understood", and was texting the friend to express disapproval of the bar plan.

[eleanorjane]

Dear god the comments on this at the original site are a trainwreck. Hello, tired old stereotype that men and women can't be friends without sex coming into it... the commentariat IMMEDIATELY leaped to "they're swingers!"

Sigh.