Ask Ellie: How do I win back a friend I lost because of stuff?

[cereta]

Q: I’m a man who grew up with very close buddies. At 41, I’ve had some friends for over 30 years. But recently I lost one of my longest friendships.

I hadn’t seen this guy for a couple of months. We’d had a minor incident when his daughter and mine competed over a role in a school play. I thought they’d got over it.

But when I recently saw him at a school event and greeted him heartily, he said that he’d lost his job, then turned away.

I immediately texted him that I hadn’t heard and wanted to help … e.g., through contacts I have. He didn’t respond.

I feel terribly about his silence. How do I regain our friendship?
Cut Off

A: Though you mean well, the solution must be about him, not you, especially since you didn’t recognize the impact of the schoolgirls’ disagreement.

Work your contacts privately. If you find someone who can help your friend, let that person initiate it. That’s the sincerest outreach of all. Your friendship may heal over time. Don’t push it.

Comments

[cereta]

The headline for this is, "How do I win back a friend of 30 years I lost after he lost his job?", which is really misleading. Friend did not stop talking to LW because/after he lost his job. He stopped talking to him because/after their daughters competed for a part in a school play (and, I am assuming LW's got the part, although I suppose that's beside the point).

Your friend, the person you have been friends with for apparently decades, stopped talking to you because your children went for the same part in a school play. I know school drama is much more serious business than it was when I was in high school, but for that to drive the daughters apart, much less the fathers, means one of two things:

1. LW's daughter engaged in some form of nasty behavior, be it sabotage, gloating, or (if friend's daughter got the part) talking shit about the other girl, and LW did not stop it (or even know about it) or,

2. LW's friend is showing a level of maturity that his daughter, if she's old enough to be pursuing a serious part in a school play, ought to have reached. Resentment is understandable. Cold shoulder just is not okay.

Or perhaps a mix-and-match of the two. If it's the first, friend really doesn't need LW right now, and if it's the second, LW really doesn't need friend. And the thing is, the former is pretty much true overall. Break-ups of any kind are unilateral. Friend has a right not to include LW in his life. And he definitely doesn't need LW's well-intentioned but high-handed meddling. His employment status is about him, not LW. Back off, dude.

[cimorene]

The analysis of the situation and their plausible character faults is right on, but this story just strikes me overall as suspicious. Maybe it was the editing, but it seems really missing reasons. It's not IMPOSSIBLE that there's been nothing else out of the ordinary that could give LW a clue why his friend is mad at him, but it is definitely unlikely. And this kind of vagueness is usually covering up something, I think.

[xenacryst]

Yeah, I feel like there is a good possibility that there is other stuff besides the stuff he mentioned.

Perhaps I am hung up on stuff...

[lilysea]

The analysis of the situation and their plausible character faults is right on, but this story just strikes me overall as suspicious. Maybe it was the editing, but it seems really missing reasons. It's not IMPOSSIBLE that there's been nothing else out of the ordinary that could give LW a clue why his friend is mad at him, but it is definitely unlikely. And this kind of vagueness is usually covering up something, I think.

It's rare, but it does happen.

I had lunch with a friend a few years ago, it was a pleasant and enjoyable lunch talking about lighthearted/upbeat topics, she lent me some books that were very special to her.

And then she never answered the phone again when I called her - I just kept getting her answering machine, and she never called me back.

To this day, I genuinely have no idea why. We hadn't had any friction or tension whatsoever that I was aware of!

[At first I thought it was that she was having a Depressive episode, but after I learned from mutual friends that she'd been socialising with them, I figured that wasn't it.]

[minoanmiss]

I wonder if ex-Friend just can't deal with LW right now and it has nothing to do with the daughters. For example, one of my cousins closest to my age is a successful doctor with three kids. His mother my aunt wants to put us in touch with each other.

I can't do it. My cousin has done nothing wrong and lots right and I just can't make my half-failed secretary self get in touch with him.

At any rate, and I say this knowing full well it's the hardest thing to do and it's something I struggle with myself, LW needs to leave it alone.

[cereta]

To all of this, yes. I get actual anxiety when friends go radio silent. I want to fix everything now, which leads to all kinds of delightful behaviors. So I get it. But if nothing else, LW, my dude: your friend is clearly going through Stuff. It is his Stuff. Let him...Okay, I was going to say "handle his stuff," but I think I should go lie down now.

[xenacryst]

In any case, don't try to handle his stuff for him...

Also, icons

[cereta]

AHAHAHAHAHA yes. Both an excellent pun and excellent advice, which the columnist fumbled.

[minoanmiss]

*cackles and fistbumps you*