Sense and Sensitivity: Anxiety and Friendship

[cereta]

DEAR HARRIETTE: My best friend just came home from an anxiety treatment facility after 15 weeks, and she refused to see me for about two days. I was really hurt by this. I was the reason she went and got help, and I was her lifeline throughout the entire experience, speaking on the phone with her for hours every night. The fact that she didn't want to see me when she got back was extremely hurtful. She did see her other friends, who did not even call her to check on her in the past 15 weeks.

I feel so unappreciated because of her putting me so low on her priority list, but I understand coming home and transitioning back to normal is very stressful. She did see me after two days, so should I just let it go? -- Feeling Unappreciated, Detroit

DEAR FEELING UNAPPRECIATED: Yes, you should let it go. Your friend probably felt self-conscious and even embarrassed when she got home. You were her lifeline, which also made you the one person who knows her secrets and vulnerabilities. Part of her likely wanted to get back to normal, which meant not thinking about what put her in the facility in the first place. Calling friends who were completely unconnected to her during that period allowed her to distance herself from her troubles.

The good news is that your friend didn't take too long to reconnect with you. Forgive her for the frailty that led her to seem ungrateful. Continue to be the good friend you have been.

Comments

[cereta]

Dude. If ever the phrase "it's not about you" applied, it's now.

Look, I get how...intoxicating it can be to see yourself as a friend's personal savior, but the last thing your friend needs to worry about right now is whether she's being "fair" in the distribution of her time. She's trying to minimize anxiety. Give her a few days before you leap to conclusions.

[deird1]

This.

I was very helpful to a friend in a high-anxiety, high-depression situation, and five years later he gave me a "thanks for helping me not kill myself" card. Which was more than was necessary, and a perfectly reasonable timeframe.

[watersword]

"I was the reason she went and got help"

What. What. What. What.

[eleanorjane]

I have to say, I don't trust the judgement of someone who's insensitive enough to find this "extremely hurtful". That sort of lack of perspective casts into question a lot of the other details of the letter, for me, like "the reason she went and got help" and "I was her lifeline". I just... yeah. I strongly question how the anxiety-having friend would frame the situation, because I suspect it's quite different.

[minoanmiss]

Dear LW: You're a hero! Have a nice velour cape! Snuggle the cape and give your friend a bit of space.