Dear Abby: missing information and also cancer

[lemonsharks]

Dear Abby: Couple feels cast adrift after friend’s diagnosis

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have dear friends, one of whom has been diagnosed with untreatable cancer. The doctors told him to go home and maximize his quality of life. The first step he took was to completely cut us out.

We had been friends for years. They watched the big football games with us at our house. When he was diagnosed, I was the first person outside of his family he called. They stood up with us when we renewed our vows. I have cut cords of firewood for them. We traveled together.


Recently, the wife posted on Facebook that when undergoing trials you find out who your friends really are. We have been tossed aside like worn-out shoes.

My question is, when he passes, if we learn about it, would it be appropriate to attend the funeral to say goodbye to this man we dearly love and offer our condolences to the widow? -- ALREADY BEREAVED IN KANSAS

DEAR ALREADY BEREAVED: Everyone reacts differently after receiving a diagnosis like the one your friend received. Some people reach out for support, but a sizable number do the opposite. They “circle the wagons,” which may be what this man has done.

It would be interesting to know if his wife was aware of the message you were given, because from what she posted, she may not have been. I think it is time to reach out to her privately and ask her how you can be supportive -- if only to her. And yes, when he passes you should pay your respects and offer condolences. Funerals are for the living.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

Dear LW: Maybe you are awesome friends and your friend just has to concentrate all his energies on himself and his wife right now.

But maybe you are the twits he put up with to watch football with and now that he's about to die he's done dealing with your twitdom.

Either way, if you reach out to his wife, please try to make it not just not about you but about her and her needs.

[jadelennox]

When families are preparing for loss or grieving, it's understandable that everyone else who loves them wants to get their chance to hang out and say goodbye. It's crushing and helplessness inducing to realize that coming in and having a sad goodbye with your friend -- or a fun afternoon watching football with them -- is taking up time and energy they want to spend with their kids, their spouse, maybe with god or the book they've always wanted to read or the duolingo course they want to finish before they're done. It sucks, but it's real.

The missing information here is what form the cutting off took. (And why they're so sure the FB message is aimed at them!)

Did he just stop sending emails? Then email both of them, don't complain about or tattle on the dying husband, and offer support and friendship and material help with a concrete offer.

Did he tell you "I don't have the energy for friends right now?" and you took it personally like self-centered whiners? Then do the above, but just to her, and don't cc him.

Did he tell you "I never want to see you again?" in a way that implied she doesn't know? Then send the wife a gift certificate to something useful you know she will like, making it impersonal.

Does she know that he cut you off explicitly? Then stay away for now, go to the funeral, and send her a letter and make a donation after he dies.

And whatever you do, don't complain about it. Dying people get to draw in their support circle. I'm sorry about how much it hurts that you aren't in it. But you aren't. Suck it up.

[melannen]

He didn't cut them out when he was diagnosed with cancer, if they were the second people he told he cut them out *after*.

Which, between that and the Facebook message, leaves me wondering very hard if he cut them out because of how they reacted when he told them.

[lemonsharks]

that's what I was thinking as well

did the LWs make their friend's cancer diagnosis all about them and their pain? did they freak out and ghost without realizing that's what they'd done? we will never know for sure.

[melannen]

Options range from "they froze out of shock and didn't know what to say, he took it in worst possible way since he was also in shock" to "they asked if he was right with God for the sin he committed that caused this".

Given the tone of the letter in general I bet it's closer to the second.

[tielan]

Uh.

From When he was diagnosed, I was the first person outside of his family he called to The first step he took was to completely cut us out is a 2020's worth of Things Happening. Possibly several 2020s.

I'm sorry LW's friend cut him off, but LW hasn't told us the whole story. I am 110% sure of it.