Ask Amy: Best friend tires of new mom's complaining

[conuly]

Dear Amy: I have a best lifelong friend who is generous, caring, selfless, and has been there for me countless times throughout the years. I truly don't know what I would do without her.

She went through years of heartache, trying to conceive.

She had countless miscarriages and false alarms. I was there for her.

Fast-forward 10 years -- yes, 10 -- and just when she was about to give up, she scrapes up enough money to try ONE round of IVF, and, lo and behold, she gets pregnant with twin boys!

The beautiful boys are now a year old. Unfortunately, they have had issues both with sleeping and with acid reflux. It has not been easy for her.

I completely understand how hard it must be, lacking sleep and to be dealing with fussy babies for a year. But this entire year, all my friend has done is complain. Complain, complain, complain.

I hesitate calling or texting her because the constant complaining negatively affects my day.

I don't get why she has become this way, especially after all she went through to have kids. Even if I was terribly exhausted, I would never constantly complain about it. I mean, who wants to hear that?

I have recently tried to distance myself, but I feel bad.

Am I a bad friend for thinking/feeling this way? Should I just suck it up and hope this phase of hers passes?

-- Bad Friend

Dear Bad Friend: I don't think you can actually understand how your friend might be feeling, but let me put it into some context by quoting from my ancient copy of Dr. Benjamin Spock's chapter on twins in his book, "Baby and Child Care." The chapter starts: "Get help!" (The 10th edition of this book, 2018, is published by Gallery Books).

Did you give birth to twins after a decade of a heartbreaking and hormonal roller coaster, followed by bank-breaking IVF? If you had, you might feel less aggrieved by your friend's complaining, and more concerned for her mental and emotional well-being.

Your friend is experiencing the real-world completion of the adage, "Be careful what you wish for..." Her venting makes you not want to pick up the phone. But you picking up the phone might be -- quite literally -- a lifeline for her.

Here's how to be supportive: "This is overwhelming. But have YOU had a checkup? Have you seen your doctor? In addition to everything you have to deal with, postpartum depression would make it all harder."

Online communities would be a very good resource for her. Reddit.com's parentsofmultiples is full of twin stories -- the good, the tough, and the yucky. Other parents of multiples will be very supportive and helpful, and this would give you a (well-deserved) break from her venting.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2320255?fs

Comments

[conuly]

I'm not sure Amy actually quoted Spock here.

At any rate, I'm a little agog at how LW phrased their complaint. Who wants to hear that? I dunno, how about a real friend?

[cereta]

1. Constant negativity is very hard to deal with, and if LW needs to limit her exposure to it for her own mental health, that is fair.

2. Wanting a child very badly does not make infancy and its attendant difficulties, especially situations that create extra difficulty, any easier, and I can't express how much I hate the idea that parents who struggled to have a child cannot complain about those difficulties.

3. "Be careful what you wish for" is in spectacularly bad taste in this situation.

[conuly]

1. Constant negativity is very hard to deal with, and if LW needs to limit her exposure to it for her own mental health, that is fair.

Sure. But I'd never, ever phrase it the way LW did. Not in a million years. I find their phrasing so distasteful it makes me wonder how much complaining their friend is really doing... especially once we take your point 2 into account.

[conuly]

Bah, I thought you were responding directly to my comment, sorry.

[lavendertook]

Agreed on all counts with you. LW's friend needs help. If LW can't give a listening ear or eye, that's OK--she should distance herself as she needs without judging herself as a bad friend, provided she extends the not judging to her friend's need to complain while she is doing the hardest job in the world. Send her cards, and little presents, or most usefully, meals if possible to make up for the ear you can't give so she knows you're still in her court.

[minoanmiss]

Word, *word*, and word.

[beable]

It's the "who wants to hear that" that gives me some pause on the LW's perspective and makes me side-eye their letter a little.

Although agreed otherwise on all fronts.

[rosefox]

I note the total absence of any mention that the friend has a partner. Is she raising twins alone? Is there someone in her life with whom she has to put on a brave face, and the LW is the only person she can be honest with?

It sounds like the LW needs a good dose of ring theory: comfort in, dump out. Support the friend as much as possible, and then gripe elsewhere about the friend's griping.

[beable]

Yasssssss

[lilysea]

"This person deserves a listener, but I can't be that listener right now" is an okay stance to take.

"This person doesn't deserve a listener" is not an okay stance to take.