Sense and Sensitivty: Friend Feels Judged During Vacation

[cereta]

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was invited to share a house this summer with an old friend I haven’t seen for years. She also invited several other old friends. We all convened on a lovely home our friend had found in a beach community. It was fun to get together and tell stories and hang out.

What wasn’t fun is that the main friend is a teetotaler. She doesn’t drink at all. I felt like she was always watching and even counting our drinks. We were on vacation, hanging out, and every night we had wine and sometimes cocktails. It was weird to have an adult seeming to supervise and kind of judge the rest of us after she had been the one to invite us to come in the first place. It was awkward at times.

At the end of the vacation, she suggested we all get together next year. Honestly, I wouldn’t mind meeting up with the others, but I have no desire to invite the judge and jury to come too. How can we ditch the organizer and get our party on? -- Party Over Here, Memphis, Tennessee

DEAR PARTY OVER HERE: This is a tough one. Do you think you could have a talk with your teetotaler friend before kicking her to the curb? She may not realize how judgmental she was being. She may be willing to try to be more relaxed if she truly wants to spend time with the rest of you.

As a friend, you may want to tell her how you felt about your time together and express your reluctance about doing the vacation together again. Even if you do end up going your own way, it will not be without giving her the heads-up. There’s a very good chance your friend could discover that you and the others got together without her.

Comments

[cereta]

Am I the only one thinking the "judgment" may be more in the LW's perception than the friend's actual actions (especially since the LW doesn't mention any actual actions)? I mean, if nothing else, the fact that she's suggesting ythey all do this again strongly hints that she can't have been too bothered by their drinking.

[fox]

Not even close.

[minoanmiss]

Nope.

I kind of --- I want a video of one of the nights, because the teetotaler COULD have been judge, or the LW COULD be completely projecting -- I've seen both situations. It sounds like LW is assuming that someone who doesn't drink must necessarily be judging, which would be a completely unfair assumption, but there's enough space for possibility.

[jadelennox]

I am 100% in your corner.

[ambyr]

So...*was* friend "always watching and even counting," or did LW just "feel" that way because friend wasn't drinking? Nothing in this letter actually describes bad behavior on friend's part. (And yes, I am sensitive to this issue as a teetotaler who has been accused of spoiling people's fun purely because *I'm* not drinking.)

[minoanmiss]

For the record, that's completely unfair of them to assume of you. *useless supportive vibes*

[thedivinegoat]

I get that all the time too.

My not drinking, is not a judgement on (generic) you.

In fact my decision not to drink was made without considering it's impact on you at all.

I'm sorry, I'm selfish like that.

[misbegotten]

I felt like she was always watching and even counting our drinks.

Felt, or knew?

how can we ditch the organizer and get our party on?

Sounds like by no longer being friends with her. Which is a rotten reason to break up the friendship, and suggests to me that there's more going on than LW is letting on.

[kutsuwamushi]

Honestly, I expected this one to start with, "Are you sure she was being judgmental?" Because this sounds soooo much like a drinker feeling defensive because they feel like the decision to abstain is a criticism of them.

You could practically rewrite this one with the main friend as a vegetarian and the rest as meat-eaters.

[eleanorjane]

I was reallllly surprised the response didn't start that way, to be honest; any agony aunt worth their salt should have challenged or questioned that, IMO.

I wonder if the LW feels guilty or defensive about what they were doing, and is projecting that onto the host.

[redbird]

I drink very little, in part because of medication, and don't judge people for drinking. That "how can we ditch the organizer and get our party on?" phrasing suggests that LW wanted to drink in order to get drunk, rather as a pleasant part of an evening of hanging out and telling stories. The one topic I can think of that is of interest only to people who are drinking and not to any sober people in the room with them is "oh wow, look how drunk we are."

[vass]

What I want to know is whether the other friends had a problem with teetotaler friend too, or if it was just LW.

Okay, I am also curious about whether everyone else was drinking roughly the same amount, and who put how much pressure on whom to drink. "It was awkward at times" might well describe what would happen if the drunkest person in the room is trying to inveigle the only sober person in the room to loosen up and have a drink with her. Or if the sober person then replies "I think you've had enough," and the other drinkers can't really disagree with that assessment.