Pay Dirt: My Husband Has Been Financially Abusive for Years. Now the Tables Are Turning.

[minoanmiss]

My husband and I have been married for 11 years, together for 14. Since having our three kids (the oldest is going to be 8), I have been a stay-at-home mom. My husband has always been financially abusive. We used to have a shared account, but he would only put money in it if I asked. He would put in the exact amount, and it could only be for certain things like groceries and sometimes clothing for the children.

Two years ago, we were going through some hardships in which my husband not only cheated on me but filed for a divorce, closed the shared account, and cut me off completely—financially and otherwise. During that time (until I finally found a job), I was dependent on my mom and my sister for money. The only thing he continued to pay was the rent, because he would be embarrassed if anyone knew his kids were homeless.
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Fast forward two years, I have decided to try to forgive him (he pulled the papers for the divorce). I have not only found a job, but I have been able to save some money, and I am able to take care of my own bills rather than depend on him exclusively like before. The issue is now he is having some financial difficulties, and I could offer to help him with my savings, but I don’t want to. I am still upset over what he did, I want to keep my money (I worry if he cut me off before, he can do it again), and I don’t want to lend him money because he is of the belief that any money I have is also his because of all the years he provided for us and wouldn’t want to pay it back. If I am genuinely trying to make my marriage work, is it fair for me to withhold this money—as well as the knowledge of this money—from my husband?

—Once Bitten, Twice Shy

Dear Once Bitten, Twice Shy,

Girl, keep your money. You’re trying to make your marriage work, but it’s not going to if you fall into old habits and patterns. What your husband did before was not OK. Period. It was financial abuse, and the fact that he used your children’s wellbeing against their mother is even worse. Your first responsibility is making sure your children are well taken care of, not him. A major part of that includes ensuring your own financial peace of mind, which wasn’t his priority at all.

That being said, it’s a major red flag that you want to save this relationship but don’t trust him. You’re worried he will cut you off again and you’ll be in the same shitty situation before. I’m not going to tell you to leave him, but I am going to suggest that both of you go into marriage counseling immediately. You need to establish a healthy means of communication if you’re going to try to move forward. You also need move past this without feeling like you are punishing each other. Good luck.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

Patient Griselda is a great story but not actually a role model! WHY isn't she selling this dude for parts?

[purlewe]

Yeah I don't see what is worth saving this relationship.

[jadelennox]

because there's a glut on the market of Kidney Of Worthless Guy and Pointless Manspleen and it's not worth the time effort to list him on ebay?

[xenacryst]

Remember that picture you posted the other day of the Simpsons character spewing coffee? Yeah, that was about my reaction right here. Thank you...

[lunabee34]

But is it even a great story? Worst part of both The Canterbury Tales and The Decameron. LOL

/missing the point

[minoanmiss]

Bwee :)

[oursin]

This does not sound like a scenario in which marriage counselling would be of benefit.

[melannen]

I feel like this might be a letter where "I’m not going to tell you to leave him, but I am going to suggest that both of you go into marriage counseling immediately," translates as "I know telling an abused spouse to leave rarely works, but maybe a good counselor can talk you into it".

I hope that's how it translates. Because, LW, leave him!

[azurelunatic]

I hope so as well!

[mommy]

That's what I'm hoping it means.

[julian]

I am aware, of course, of cycles of abuse, and of the fact that people keep going back to relationships, and I don't blame them at all, especially when kids are involved.

Which does not mean I can't go, "this does not sound like a good relationship for you." Also, you are not succeeding at forgiveness, which is fine because *he has not changed nor made amends*, sounds like.

Anyway. To answer the question: in other situations I would have qualm. In this one, perhaps it will lead to him finding out and actually getting a divorce this time.

[movingfinger]

I'd suggest she (1) collect any documentation (like bank statements) describing his previous behavior and (2) talk to a family lawyer about what assets of hers he'd be entitled to in a formal, legal divorce. And even if it's half, if it got him out of her hair, it'd be worth it. Marital property laws differ from state to state, but I'm guessing he feels entitled to what she has saved.

[minoanmiss]

Oh, well said. I wish I could forward this to her.

[sathari]

Yes, this, aaaaaaaall of this so much. And LW should damn well keep every penny she's earned--- it's no different from how her husband treated her and still wants to treat her.

[jadelennox]

oh man u r smart. And find the laws in her state.

[xenacryst]

I mean, if you are indeed intent on staying in the marriage (I'm with pretty much everyone above in questioning whether that's a good thing or not, but you do you), please keep your finances separate. But this does not mean you can't help him, and it also does not mean that the only way to help him is to be the financial abuser to him that he was to you - talk to lawyers, talk to financial planners, and come up with an agreed upon path for how much he gets and under what conditions (including what conditions he might have to pay it back). Make damned certain you keep what you need for yourself and your kids. Basically, treat this as a financial partnership.

[lavendertook]

I think better advice would have been for her to get a therapist to help her navigate this dangerous and untrusting relationship and gain confidence in what she thinks is best for herself and her kids instead of marriage counseling. She needs more supportresources on her side, along with all the lawyering movingfinger suggested.

If you want to add a marriage counselor to that for helping her on how to negotiate financial matters with Awful Husband given the weight of the abusive history, that would be good advice to add, but secondary, because we all know there is no amount of marriage counseling that will make a relationship with AH work. The goal is to get her all the resources possible for herself to navigate the dangerous road she’s on right now. And it sounds dangerous in every sense of the word. Physical abuse is the only form of abuse AW hasn’t tried yet, and it may have started and she’s not mentioning it. But it likely will as this situation escalates.

[green_grrl]

Yeah, I was going “100%. Perfect,” until marriage counseling, when I screamed, “No!” Individual counseling? Absolutely. Going into couples counseling with someone who is also looking for leverage over you? Hell to the no.

[lavendertook]

I think individual counseling should be suggested first and is what the LW needs, but with the kind of denial she’s probably in, she might not buy therapy for herself. Whereas marriage counseling might attract her more--she can pretend she’s going to save her marriage, so if she won’t get the therapy she needs, at least she might go to that. The hope is the counsellor is well trained in the psychology of abusive spouses and would see the trouble and make sure to connect her with domestic abuse crisis hotlines and shelters. But it’s likely AH wouldn’t go. I think the important thing is to get her thinking about as many resources as possible, if not getting her to them. Those kids are going to need help badly, too.

[mirlacca]

He pulled the papers for the divorce because he wants her money. She needs to go far far far away (and see an attorney about establishing that the money she has is post-separation and her husband has no claim on it).