Miss Manners: The Urn

[ermingarden]

Dear Miss Manners: After my uncle recently died, a cousin sent me some cremated remains that had been in his custody, saying they were the ashes of my beloved surrogate grandmother, Paula, who died about 20 years ago.

The remains are in an ornate, beautiful Chinese urn that has been passed lovingly around that branch of the family for years. I was honored to receive it.

The problem? This is not Paula. I attended the scattering of Paula’s ashes at sea.

I worked in a mortuary for years and have had much experience with cremated remains, so I can also say that this was not done by an American funeral home in the last 30 years. It is unlike anything I have ever seen.

No one in my family has ever had any idea that this urn contains anyone other than Paula. Of course, I intend to treat my unexpected guest with all respect and reverence, but I’m not sure how best to accomplish that.

Your predicament reminds Miss Manners of the Gilbert and Sullivan general who brags about his ancestral tombs, only to be reminded that he purchased the estate quite recently.

“I don’t know whose ancestors they were,” the general answers haughtily, “but I know whose ancestors they are.”

If you can break the news gently to the remaining members of the family, perhaps you can all agree that, like the tomb of the unknown soldier, the urn can stand in as a way to honor both Paula and the unnamed surrogate who was tardily adopted into the family.

Comments

[ermingarden]

Um. What. This is one of the weirdest advice column letters I've ever seen.

(There is a part of me wondering if these actually are human remains, as they are "unlike anything [LW] ha[s] ever seen.")

It doesn't really seem appropriate to me for the unidentified ashes – assuming they are in fact human remains – to serve as a sort of stand-in for Paula's remains. But I also don't know what else should be done with them.

[ashbet]

Why say something to the rest of the family?? What would that accomplish?

I’d view it as “This is an urn that I was given to honor Paula,” and either put the contents inside something opaque (so future caretakers are less likely to peek) and back into the urn…

…or inquire as to interment or scattering of the remains in whatever way the LW feels is respectful, if that feels more appropriate to them.

Whatever choice the LW makes, I’d suggest keeping it to themselves.

(I am admittedly not super-precious about human remains — if scattering ashes was good enough for the real Paula, I’m not sure why it wouldn’t be sufficient for whoever’s ashes are in the urn.)

[cimorene]

HAHAHA

[julian]

How best to accomplish it: Make the urn a nice decorative centerpiece on your mantle, and Don't Tell Your Family About It.

[jadelennox]

this is the kind of letter that makes me feel so much like I am an outsider looking in on an alien culture. Anything having to do with embalming or cremation, so much. I kind of want to make a community for Jews, Muslims, and Baháʼí where we can grapple with understanding majority culture death practices without running the risk of making people feel like their bereavement practices are being mocked.

But, like, I don't know. If you have an urn of unidentified human remains, bury it? Or scatter it? Or, if you're curious, talk to an forensic pathologist or a genealogist or Antiques Roadshow to see how you'd track down whose they were? You don't have to keep it on the mantlepiece, even if it is a relative.

[julian]

Yeah. I went with the mantlepiece thing because there seemed to be an unspoken "My relatives all expect me to keep this urn somewhere nice, since it's been in nice places since she died" thing going on.

If there weren't the peer pressure going on, I'd just scatter it somewhere meaningful to me, but not the person themselves, since you obviously don't know who the person was, nor what their traditions were. Though now the forensic pathologist thing sounds attractive.

(If I got someone random's ashes, but knew who the person was, I'd definitely pay for an appropriate burial in their tradition.)

[shirou]

I would find it rather creepy keeping an unidentified person's ashes in my home, so I would look for a discreet opportunity to scatter the ashes in a natural place I hope that person would have liked.

[petrea_mitchell]

+1 for a G&S reference, but I'm in favor of discreet inquiries to trace the imposter's movements back to their origin. This could be someone else's lost grandma and that someone else might really need them back.

[purlewe]

OK I find this interesting, if only bc my wife's work had her hire builders to make a columbarium in her building (she works in a church) and has had urns dropped off for her to "deal with" as well as funerals where she receives the cremains in advance.

If they don't think this is their relative, and they don't want to perpetuate the moving of the urn from family member to family member. Perhaps a columbarium would work for them. They could put the family's name on the niche and there would be a place people could go to remember someone, if indeed they want to remember someone from the family in general. I also like the idea of scattering the ashes and putting the urn on a shelf. You could even re-use the urn for a future family member and then start passing it again within the family if you want.

And if anyone wants to hear an interesting story about an urn I have one. It's funny and not disrespectful. But if it squicks people out to hear about urns I will keep it to myself.

[ermingarden]

I would personally love to hear a funny story about an urn!

[purlewe]

Not long after the columbarium was finished there was a funeral for a member who had died. His wife had died long ago, they had no other family except a niece who asked if they could place the aunt's cremains with the uncle. (niches generally have 2 spaces within them and you pay for the whole niche) The church said of course and that was how my wife got a 50 lb marble urn sitting on her desk that she couldn't open.

She wasn't expecting that. I mean.. you give an urn to have the cremains put in the niche you kinda expect to be able to OPEN the urn. But nope. This urn stayed shut. She asked the niece if she wanted the urn back "oh yes. I think it is lovely and would like to use it for a vase" ah.. ok. no destroying the urn to get the cremains.

It just so happened they were replacing the roof (slate) as well as updating the damaged stone of the exterior of the building. So it became a question she would ask foremen and workmen who came into her office. Can you open this urn was the question she asked random strangers who came in to do work on the building for months. Each person tried and each person failed. They even bought special tools that people suggested. Pipefitters tool was a suggestion from a plumber. NOPE. they didn't use a chisel, altho it was suggested many times. Different trials. all failed. She called the funeral home. Did they seal the urn? nope. We never seal them, was the reply. back to the drawing board.

As they got around the 6 month mark an architect came in to check the repairs to the stone and the slate roof. And while she was there Sue asked the question bc at this point.. she asked everyone. The architect took one look at it and said she would call her dad, who owned a funeral home. 5 minutes later she snapped her phone off. "It's superglued." she said. "dad says they super glue urns and you will need acetone to remove it"

Sue went out to the local store and bought about a half gallons worth of the strongest fingernail polish remover she could find. inverted the urn into a metal bowl and let it soak overnight. Came back the next morning and lifted the urn. Lid popped right off, contents inside were fine. (they always put the cremains in a sealed thick mm baggie) and she could put aunt and uncle together again in the niche. And the niece picked the urn up for her "flower pot" within the month.

[minoanmiss]

LOL

[purlewe]

she had starting asking people at events we would go to "I have this tricky question. How do you open an urn that is obviously stuck closed" random places, random answers. everywhere.

[ermingarden]

Incredible!

[swingandswirl]

Okay that is hilarious and desperately needs to be used as a plot point in something.

[ethelmay]

I am kind of wondering if this is actually someone's beloved dog. Might explain why the ashes don't look quite the same (not just species difference, but animal crematoria being run differently).

[purlewe]

I also thought this. like perhaps... it was Paula's dog? someone's beloved pet. All the more reason to scatter the cremains and use the urn in a different way.

[ethelmay]

And I now realize ermingarden speculated about the same thing in the very first comment, which I somehow glided over. Ah, well.

[conuly]

I'm not really sure why LW was poking around in the ashes in the first place, nor why apparently the entire family has forgotten that Paula's ashes were scattered.

At any rate, the answer does not answer the question. LW does not want to know how to break the news gently or what to do with the ashes - LW just wants to know how to most respectfully treat the deceased.

[melannen]

I have to wonder if there was some sort of family fight going on about Paula's ashes which LW was too young to know about or carefully kept away from, such that either a) some of Paula's ashes were scattered and some were kept or b) some family members were not told that Paula's ashes were scattered, and led to believe this random urn was hers. I find both of those reasonably likely, but it seems odd that someone who worked at a crematorium wouldn't consider them!

The only other option I see here is that at some point someone was clearing out a relative's stuff who wasn't close to Paula, asked what the urn was, somebody else said "idk, maybe Paula?" and it became gospel among the part of the family who hadn't been involved with Paula's death? In which case I'd wonder if it is actually some other distant family member.

[swingandswirl]

I shouldn't laugh, but OMG. How does one forget you scattered a beloved relative's ashes?

[ethelmay]

I can easily imagine in a big extended family not everyone is at every memorial or knows who was buried or scattered where 20 years ago. They may all live in different places. If this urn was part of another dead relative's estate and someone leaped to conclusions about where it came from, that could get cemented as a family story pretty quickly.