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agonyaunt2021-07-21 02:12 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2021-07-21 02:12 pm
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Dear Care & Feeding: My Husband Is Refusing Tuition Help
My older sister and her husband are much, much more well-off than my family. They can afford to travel several times each year, own multiple homes and expensive cars, and were able to pay in full for my nieces’ college and graduate school at private colleges. But despite a rather large age gap and drastically different lifestyles, we are very close, and they are some of the kindest, most genuine people you’ll ever meet. My son is 16 years old, and is a rising junior, and while my husband and I work hard and try to save as much as we can, we know he’ll probably have to take out loans for college, as he doesn’t qualify for financial aid. I have vented to my sister before about how I wish I could pay for his college and how upset it makes me that my son will either continue working throughout high school and college (even though his workload will increase even more next year, and he’s already balancing AP and honors classes and extracurriculars) and also spend extra time applying to scholarships or he’ll be in debt for years.
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My sister and brother-in-law called my husband and I and told us that as their gift to our son for his upcoming birthday, they wanted to cover the rest of the tuition at whatever college our son got into, but only if we felt comfortable with it. I was shocked at their generous offer, but I was going to accept … until my husband told them that we’d think about it and hung up on them shortly after. He went on a rant about how he can provide for our son and we’re “almost there” in terms of saving for college and “he doesn’t take handouts.” I think he’s being ridiculous, and both he and I know that the only thing we’re “almost there” in terms of saving for is if our son went to community college and then transferred to a state school, while his counselor has told him that he has a good shot at getting into his dream college (a prestigious STEM school we could only pay for with my sister’s help). I don’t understand why he’s being so stubborn on this issue—he’s always gotten along with my sister and her husband before! How do I get him to look past his desire to do everything himself and “not take handouts” and instead see what an amazing opportunity this is for our son?
— Tuition Troubles
Patriarchy is really a curse, isn’t it? There are women and nonbinary folks who are too prideful to accept amazing and timely blessings, sure. But it seems to be the case more often than not that it’s a cisgender heterosexual man who’d be trapped by his own conditioning in a situation like this. You need to have a number of long, honest conversations with your husband. Establish why he feels so strongly about this: Is he typically insecure about his finances? Is this triggering something that you knew existed, or a new concern?
Once you’re clear on why this offer bothers him, you can better strategize about how to change his mind. Try to avoid pointing out the absurdity of what he is proposing and instead focus on how much easier this will make your son’s life. Is that not what we want for our children? Be very clear on what your son’s day-to-day may look like with that gift, versus if he has to work frequently and switch to the school of his dreams years later, likely while taking on considerable student debt. Reason with him, politely and patiently.
If that fails, honestly, I think you should put your foot down and accept the gift. Your son has the opportunity of a lifetime; why should he struggle so that his grown father can feel adequate? Do your absolute best to convince your husband, but don’t turn down a present that can change all three of your lives for the better unless you absolutely have to, and if that’s the case, then there’s another conversation to be had about your man.
Wishing you all the best.
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2) I cannot put myself in the husband's head (an exercise I do a lot since writing is one of my hobbies). The only reason I could fathom would be that Sister cited, say, conversion therapy as a requirement for this tuition offer and Husband is opposing that. (For instance I would never let my parents pay for tuition for one of my little roommates because they would use it to launch an Evangelical Christian invasion of our lives that would cost infinitely more) But assuming LW isn't leaving something like that out -- wow, I cannot fathom that kind of obstinate pride.
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But the husband isn't just PRIDEFUL, he's talking about refusing on behalf of his son. This isn't like not letting someone buy your kid a sportscar, or an ipod, or whatever, because the kid definitely IS going to college and definitely DOES have to pay himself if he wants to go to *prestigious-school and therefore has to choose now as a teenager if he's willing to gamble decades of debt for the reputedly better education and likely better opportunities it leads to! Imagine being this kid and finding out LATER that your dad turned it down FOR you and that's why you're a hundred thousand in debt, or that's why you couldn't go to your #1 choice school?! If he's applying to college, the kid is likely no longer even a minor! Fully legally responsible for financial debts but unable to accept financial gifts because Daddy's masculinity was threatened! Just... YIKES.
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That's because you haven't been taught your entire life to see your worth in your ability to provide financially for yourself and your family. It's easy to dismiss as pride, but this is the "conditioning" to which men are subjected, and to which the columnist referred. It absolutely is toxic, but it is also extremely difficult to overcome.
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I wish there were a pithy way of saying toxic masculinity that couldn't be easily misinterpreted as "men are toxic" but instead made it clear that this bullshit you describe hurts men. If it's allowed to dominated it will hurt LW's son (massively; graduating without debt will give him so many more options bootstrapping his adulthood), and no matter what it's clearly hurting the husband.
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takes characterization notes
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2. LW's husband is a WHOLE DONKEY. It would be one thing to refuse tuition assistance for himself (in fact, that's where I thought this letter was going from the title: that LW's husband was back in school himself and refusing to accept help from whatever source). But, seriously, when "student loan debt" is one of the big, big, systemic, sociopolitical and econmic issues for an entire generation of young people and this guy has members of his son's family who are willing to give the kid that kind of a leg up? Oh. My. God. Dude. Get OVER. Yourself. Seriously, LW's husband needs to... "rethink his life and his choices", and this is me being polite.
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U R Smrt.
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This is what I'd suggest LW do as well.
Going around Husband entirely so that Sister makes her offer/gift/529 account to the legally an adult 18 year old son seems the most effective course of action, if not the most peaceful one.
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Tuition at, well, almost anywhere, is going to quickly max out the amount of "gift" money you can give to someone else without tax implications (that's $15k, and a prestigious STEM school is likely to be 4 times that, easily). 529s are great, but, again, talk to a financial planner, as there are weirdnesses sometimes, especially if you're making a 529 in a minor's name that they won't be able to access for a couple of years.
I suspect that a family well enough off to have multiple houses and fancy cars and such knows this, but it bears repeating, just in case they don't (and also for the less well off family, who might not know this).
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YEP.
Even if sis and BIL know this, LW probably doesn't (and son probably definitely doesn't because !@#$% americans don't talk about money :| )
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The best way for LW and her son to proceed is to fill out FAFSA (don't be like my mother, who refused to do this) with or without husband, accept whatever aid is offered in terms of scholarships and grants, and then for the sister to pay the balance. Do not assume there is no financial aid!
The student should go to the best choice possible, not the one Dad's intransigence routes them into. College choice genuinely can affect the rest of the student's life in terms of access and networking and the resources available at a top-tier school can be significantly better. The opportunity to start debt-free opens an entire universe of choice and agency to the graduate.
It's very possible that the father really has no idea how much money and how much debt service is involved these days. Framing this as an opportunity for evening the playing field for the son, allowing him great power for shaping his career and life choices, may make a difference. (Among other things, heavily debt-burdened graduates put off having families for a long time, and parents who go into debt to pay for college are wasting assets they'll need later.)
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All of this is a very good suggestion. And yes, it does sound like the older sister and husband understand tuition much better than the LW.
And I would add that son hasn't been accepted to fancy school yet. Give him the gift of freely applying wherever he wants. Perhaps he will get into fancy school, perhaps he will not. Knowing his choices and knowing the finances should be an open conversation.
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