![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jadelennoxAnother classic Bintel Brief. The ones I like the most fell into two camps: everyone, including the columnist, is a dyed-in-the-wool revolutionary leftist; or a letter about family drama that someone could have written today. This one, from 1928, is the latter.
Dear Editor,
I consider myself a progressive woman who thinks there should be no difference between Jews and Christians. Years ago when I was a girl and sometimes heard that parents would not allow their daughter to marry a Christian, I maintained that they should not interfere. I believed that a fine Christian was as good as a fine Jew.
Now, however, when my daughter has fallen in love with a Gentile, I have become one of the mothers who interferes so that the match should not succeed. I am not one of those fanatic parents who warn their children that they will disown them because of such a match, but I’m trying with goodness to influence my daughter to break up with the boy.
( Read more... )
ceretaDear Prudence,
My mom and dad were immigrants from an Eastern European country. We have never been a happy family. I believe my father was bipolar and prone to rages, and I believe that my mom has narcissistic personality disorder. They had a terrible marriage, and I basically fled my hometown after I finished school. My mother never accepted the fact that I permanently moved to a different state and acted like I abandoned her.
Several years ago, my brother, who I trusted implicitly and considered one of my closest friends, stabbed me in the back quite terribly (think conduct just short of blackmail), and we had a bad falling out. My mom completely and very hurtfully took his side, and they began to triangulate against me and ostracize me from my extended family. Despite ongoing verbal and emotional abuse by them (i.e. making up lies about me, my husband, the state of our marriage, calling me names, etc.), I never cut them off because they were the gatekeepers to my father, who I loved and was dying of Alzheimer’s. During this time, I noticed my brother making odd and out of context comments about inheritance. They even accused my (well-off) husband of scheming to get their inheritance. My parents were both professionals and saved well. There’s more than enough to go around, and I found the such comments to be very disconcerting.
Last fall, my father passed away, which was very painful. My parents owned a significant amount of property in their home country. By operation of law in that country, we all—my mom, my brother, and me—inherited everything by thirds. Several weeks ago, I found out that my mom and brother tried to probate what I believe to be a phony will by my father in this foreign country! Even though my parents have been transparent about their U.S. estate plan, I have never heard of a will disposing of their foreign assets before. Based on my dad’s “will,” they asked me to sign over my inheritance share to my mother. I was ready to do that if those were my dad’s wishes but, before doing so, I asked to see the will. It was entirely in my mom’s very distinctive handwriting, and it was signed by witnesses two days after the will was signed (i.e., not witnessed at all). I started comparing the signature on the “will” to authentic signatures of my dad’s, and there are definite differences, prompting me to hire a handwriting expert. After I got an attorney involved in their home country, there were all kinds of other red flags that are too detailed to go into here. I even found out that, on my dad’s death certificate in this foreign country, my mom improperly listed herself as my dad’s only surviving heir (not true, and she was made to go back and fix it). Suffice it to say, every rock I uncover convinces me further that they prepared a fake will to steal my inheritance. Their attorney in the probate proceedings even mysteriously withdrew, even though my mom and brother were satisfied with his representation. As an attorney myself, I can tell you that this oftentimes indicates an ethical dilemma with the client.
This is criminal. I believe that my mom was trying to steal my inheritance share to give everything to my brother, or to cherry pick the best parts for him. During my dad’s decline, she redistributed their American assets to give my brother a lot more, so the writing was on the wall. I’m so hurt, betrayed, and beyond all else ANGRY. I am tempted to report them to the police, but I don’t want to send my 79-year-old widowed mother to jail (and I don’t think my father would have wanted that). I am completely done with them, and I am ready to start my life fresh without them. Am I justified to cut them both off completely? I am in disbelief as to how any mother could do this to her own daughter. I don’t see how this relationship can ever be saved, particularly once this turns into litigation in that foreign country. (And, yes, I have already been in counseling for years based on my previous childhood trauma.)
— Ain’t No Water in That Maternal Well
Dear Maternal Well,
It would appear that cutting them off is the prudent and fair thing to do. In fact, it seems like what they’ve been preparing to do with you as well. So, while you’ve given them a lot of leeway and are extending grace to your mother in the form of not prosecuting, I think you’re beyond the point of working out your disagreement in conversation. There’s a lot of premeditation in evidence here, and it’s odd and seems sinister. Unfortunately, inheritance brings out the absolute worst in many people (the letters to Dear Prudence bear that out every week), and we rarely get answers about why. I suspect that there’s a part of you that is really hungry for answers or accountability or something that will explain this betrayal. I would advise you, as best you can, to release that need. It will probably take years. But it’s possible.
Start with cutting them off. If you desire—and if it doesn’t interfere with your litigation—write them a letter simply and clearly stating your intentions to end your relationship. You don’t need to wait for a response or engage in a back and forth. You also don’t need to entertain questions or input from other family members, which you are sure to get. This is about the injury in your relationship with your mother and with your brother. No one else is involved. Again, you probably won’t get the resolution you want, but you can get some measure of peace by allowing yourself to walk away.
My mom and dad were immigrants from an Eastern European country. We have never been a happy family. I believe my father was bipolar and prone to rages, and I believe that my mom has narcissistic personality disorder. They had a terrible marriage, and I basically fled my hometown after I finished school. My mother never accepted the fact that I permanently moved to a different state and acted like I abandoned her.
Several years ago, my brother, who I trusted implicitly and considered one of my closest friends, stabbed me in the back quite terribly (think conduct just short of blackmail), and we had a bad falling out. My mom completely and very hurtfully took his side, and they began to triangulate against me and ostracize me from my extended family. Despite ongoing verbal and emotional abuse by them (i.e. making up lies about me, my husband, the state of our marriage, calling me names, etc.), I never cut them off because they were the gatekeepers to my father, who I loved and was dying of Alzheimer’s. During this time, I noticed my brother making odd and out of context comments about inheritance. They even accused my (well-off) husband of scheming to get their inheritance. My parents were both professionals and saved well. There’s more than enough to go around, and I found the such comments to be very disconcerting.
Last fall, my father passed away, which was very painful. My parents owned a significant amount of property in their home country. By operation of law in that country, we all—my mom, my brother, and me—inherited everything by thirds. Several weeks ago, I found out that my mom and brother tried to probate what I believe to be a phony will by my father in this foreign country! Even though my parents have been transparent about their U.S. estate plan, I have never heard of a will disposing of their foreign assets before. Based on my dad’s “will,” they asked me to sign over my inheritance share to my mother. I was ready to do that if those were my dad’s wishes but, before doing so, I asked to see the will. It was entirely in my mom’s very distinctive handwriting, and it was signed by witnesses two days after the will was signed (i.e., not witnessed at all). I started comparing the signature on the “will” to authentic signatures of my dad’s, and there are definite differences, prompting me to hire a handwriting expert. After I got an attorney involved in their home country, there were all kinds of other red flags that are too detailed to go into here. I even found out that, on my dad’s death certificate in this foreign country, my mom improperly listed herself as my dad’s only surviving heir (not true, and she was made to go back and fix it). Suffice it to say, every rock I uncover convinces me further that they prepared a fake will to steal my inheritance. Their attorney in the probate proceedings even mysteriously withdrew, even though my mom and brother were satisfied with his representation. As an attorney myself, I can tell you that this oftentimes indicates an ethical dilemma with the client.
This is criminal. I believe that my mom was trying to steal my inheritance share to give everything to my brother, or to cherry pick the best parts for him. During my dad’s decline, she redistributed their American assets to give my brother a lot more, so the writing was on the wall. I’m so hurt, betrayed, and beyond all else ANGRY. I am tempted to report them to the police, but I don’t want to send my 79-year-old widowed mother to jail (and I don’t think my father would have wanted that). I am completely done with them, and I am ready to start my life fresh without them. Am I justified to cut them both off completely? I am in disbelief as to how any mother could do this to her own daughter. I don’t see how this relationship can ever be saved, particularly once this turns into litigation in that foreign country. (And, yes, I have already been in counseling for years based on my previous childhood trauma.)
— Ain’t No Water in That Maternal Well
Dear Maternal Well,
It would appear that cutting them off is the prudent and fair thing to do. In fact, it seems like what they’ve been preparing to do with you as well. So, while you’ve given them a lot of leeway and are extending grace to your mother in the form of not prosecuting, I think you’re beyond the point of working out your disagreement in conversation. There’s a lot of premeditation in evidence here, and it’s odd and seems sinister. Unfortunately, inheritance brings out the absolute worst in many people (the letters to Dear Prudence bear that out every week), and we rarely get answers about why. I suspect that there’s a part of you that is really hungry for answers or accountability or something that will explain this betrayal. I would advise you, as best you can, to release that need. It will probably take years. But it’s possible.
Start with cutting them off. If you desire—and if it doesn’t interfere with your litigation—write them a letter simply and clearly stating your intentions to end your relationship. You don’t need to wait for a response or engage in a back and forth. You also don’t need to entertain questions or input from other family members, which you are sure to get. This is about the injury in your relationship with your mother and with your brother. No one else is involved. Again, you probably won’t get the resolution you want, but you can get some measure of peace by allowing yourself to walk away.
ceretaDear Carolyn: I am an 82-year-old woman in good health and living independently. I have two grown kids living 15 to 20 minutes away. We all have a good relationship, but I see them infrequently, and they call maybe once or twice a week. I want more. I have friends and a fairly active social life, but I want more from my kids.
I think it is not too much to ask that each one make it a point to see me once a month. I have dropped hints but nothing has changed. I have not come right out to ask for what I want because I think if they do not visit willingly it will cause resentment, so what's the point. Your thoughts?
— H.
H.: One thought: By waiting for them to read your mind, you’re getting the resentment anyway, without any visits to show for it.
Just say what you want, please: “I’d love to set up a standing visit — say, every first Sunday. How does that sound?”
I think it is not too much to ask that each one make it a point to see me once a month. I have dropped hints but nothing has changed. I have not come right out to ask for what I want because I think if they do not visit willingly it will cause resentment, so what's the point. Your thoughts?
— H.
H.: One thought: By waiting for them to read your mind, you’re getting the resentment anyway, without any visits to show for it.
Just say what you want, please: “I’d love to set up a standing visit — say, every first Sunday. How does that sound?”
Dear Prudence: Posted for the Puns
Dec. 15th, 2021 04:01 pmminoanmissWork has left me too frayed to braid in additions, but I still had to award this one a ribbon. ( Read more... )
Ask Amy: I HAVE THE PERFECT ICON!
Nov. 30th, 2021 05:31 pmcereta(Look, it's been a rough couple of days.)
Dear Amy: I have a dilemma. My daughter, who is 22, confided in me that one of her best friends from high school smokes pot.
My daughter does not hang out with her because they attend different colleges.
I was very close to this girl when she was growing up. She was at my house all the time. Her mom and I are still very good friends.
My daughter says to stay out of it and to not tell her mom.
I was very disappointed to hear this about my daughter's friend. I'm not sure what I should do. What do you think? Should I tell the mother what the daughter is doing?
Worried
Worried: I don’t think you should do anything. Would you report back to this mother if her (legal age) daughter had a cocktail?
Marijuana is quickly attaining legal status; the jury seems to be out on how casual and occasional marijuana use affects people over time.
Unless this young woman has health problems or serious risk factors relating to her marijuana use, you have no cause to report it to her mommy.
Plus — it’s simply none of your business.
Dear Amy: I have a dilemma. My daughter, who is 22, confided in me that one of her best friends from high school smokes pot.
My daughter does not hang out with her because they attend different colleges.
I was very close to this girl when she was growing up. She was at my house all the time. Her mom and I are still very good friends.
My daughter says to stay out of it and to not tell her mom.
I was very disappointed to hear this about my daughter's friend. I'm not sure what I should do. What do you think? Should I tell the mother what the daughter is doing?
Worried
Worried: I don’t think you should do anything. Would you report back to this mother if her (legal age) daughter had a cocktail?
Marijuana is quickly attaining legal status; the jury seems to be out on how casual and occasional marijuana use affects people over time.
Unless this young woman has health problems or serious risk factors relating to her marijuana use, you have no cause to report it to her mommy.
Plus — it’s simply none of your business.
Carolyn Hax: Puppy v. Parents
Nov. 30th, 2021 05:24 pmceretaHello, Carolyn: My kids have been asking for a dog for several years, and we finally got a family puppy. We love this dog more than we ever expected!
Unfortunately, we live about 600 miles from my parents, who want nothing to do with dogs. They do, however, want to spend time with us and often complain that we don't visit enough. They don't want to house our dog, which I understand, but we can't afford a hotel room or a kennel for all the trips they want us to make.
We can't seem to come to an agreement. I say they shouldn't try to guilt us for having a life outside of them. They feel we should have never gotten a dog knowing they live so far away and can't stand dogs. What do you think?
— A Dog Convert
A Dog Convert: I think what’s truly unfortunate is that your parents think your household is about them. Wow.
It’s also unfortunate they somehow have you thinking theirs is a normal set of expectations that, to some degree, you’re obliged to find ways to address.
There is no “agreement” here to “come to,” because your parents don’t have any say in how you run your own household. None. Zero.
They also don’t have any say in how often you travel to see them, except to let you know whether and for how long you are welcome. And to limit guests to human-only, which is totally their prerogative.
If they really do want to see you, and if they’re unwilling or unable to do the bulk of the traveling themselves, then they have incentives available to them that aren’t attempts to micromanage you. They could offer you kennel money, for example, or to pay for a hotel for visits both ways. They could just trust you to do your best to come see them. They could be such pleasant company that you stretch yourselves financially to travel whenever you can.
Apparently, instead, they skipped the first page in the Unwritten Manual of Hospitality, which notes in 72-point type that if you want to see people, then don’t complain about them, to them, with any frequency that can be described as “often.”
Seriously, parents. This is not a Zodiac cipher.
My advice to you is as follows:
1. Stop arguing with people about things that aren’t their business. Any and all people, but start with your parents.
2. Actually that’s it. See No. 1.
But there are a few other things to consider that can make it all easier. First, develop a canine network of care. People you meet through your dog who love dogs can be an excellent resource when you want to travel. You dog-sit theirs, they dog-sit yours, opportunities multiply like bald spots in your backyard.
Second, if this is but the tip of the guiltberg, then please run your family dynamic by a good therapist. Boundaries work.
Third, scritch that puppy. Except for the face they give you when they want a walk, they don’t do guilt. No wonder you’re a convert.
Fourth — and pardon the layman’s overreach — introduce yourself to Merrill Markoe: merrillmarkoe.com/enough-about-you-my-explanation-of-narcissism. “It’s not enough for a narcissist to be the center of his own world, he must also be the center of yours.” Good dog. [Woof.]
Unfortunately, we live about 600 miles from my parents, who want nothing to do with dogs. They do, however, want to spend time with us and often complain that we don't visit enough. They don't want to house our dog, which I understand, but we can't afford a hotel room or a kennel for all the trips they want us to make.
We can't seem to come to an agreement. I say they shouldn't try to guilt us for having a life outside of them. They feel we should have never gotten a dog knowing they live so far away and can't stand dogs. What do you think?
— A Dog Convert
A Dog Convert: I think what’s truly unfortunate is that your parents think your household is about them. Wow.
It’s also unfortunate they somehow have you thinking theirs is a normal set of expectations that, to some degree, you’re obliged to find ways to address.
There is no “agreement” here to “come to,” because your parents don’t have any say in how you run your own household. None. Zero.
They also don’t have any say in how often you travel to see them, except to let you know whether and for how long you are welcome. And to limit guests to human-only, which is totally their prerogative.
If they really do want to see you, and if they’re unwilling or unable to do the bulk of the traveling themselves, then they have incentives available to them that aren’t attempts to micromanage you. They could offer you kennel money, for example, or to pay for a hotel for visits both ways. They could just trust you to do your best to come see them. They could be such pleasant company that you stretch yourselves financially to travel whenever you can.
Apparently, instead, they skipped the first page in the Unwritten Manual of Hospitality, which notes in 72-point type that if you want to see people, then don’t complain about them, to them, with any frequency that can be described as “often.”
Seriously, parents. This is not a Zodiac cipher.
My advice to you is as follows:
1. Stop arguing with people about things that aren’t their business. Any and all people, but start with your parents.
2. Actually that’s it. See No. 1.
But there are a few other things to consider that can make it all easier. First, develop a canine network of care. People you meet through your dog who love dogs can be an excellent resource when you want to travel. You dog-sit theirs, they dog-sit yours, opportunities multiply like bald spots in your backyard.
Second, if this is but the tip of the guiltberg, then please run your family dynamic by a good therapist. Boundaries work.
Third, scritch that puppy. Except for the face they give you when they want a walk, they don’t do guilt. No wonder you’re a convert.
Fourth — and pardon the layman’s overreach — introduce yourself to Merrill Markoe: merrillmarkoe.com/enough-about-you-my-explanation-of-narcissism. “It’s not enough for a narcissist to be the center of his own world, he must also be the center of yours.” Good dog. [Woof.]
(no subject)
Nov. 25th, 2021 12:06 pmconulyDear Amy: My husband and I have been married for 40 years.
We have two daughters in their 30s.
I happily was a stay-at-home mom, and my husband was a busy physician. Although busy, he and I never missed a sporting or school event that our daughters participated in.
We traveled, gave them every opportunity in life, and they had a wonderful childhood.
Or so we thought.
My youngest informed me last night that she had some “childhood trauma” (she couldn’t give me an example) that she is going into therapy for.
She also informed me that her older sister told her that she had a horrible childhood.
My oldest has in the past been very disrespectful and dismissive of both my husband and me. She has never provided a reason for her attitude.
She is mother to our only grandchildren, whom we adore.
Could her father and I have gotten it so wrong?
I’m beyond devastated. Thoughts?
– Totally Confused Mom
( Read more... )
We have two daughters in their 30s.
I happily was a stay-at-home mom, and my husband was a busy physician. Although busy, he and I never missed a sporting or school event that our daughters participated in.
We traveled, gave them every opportunity in life, and they had a wonderful childhood.
Or so we thought.
My youngest informed me last night that she had some “childhood trauma” (she couldn’t give me an example) that she is going into therapy for.
She also informed me that her older sister told her that she had a horrible childhood.
My oldest has in the past been very disrespectful and dismissive of both my husband and me. She has never provided a reason for her attitude.
She is mother to our only grandchildren, whom we adore.
Could her father and I have gotten it so wrong?
I’m beyond devastated. Thoughts?
– Totally Confused Mom
( Read more... )
(no subject)
Aug. 9th, 2021 11:41 pmconulyI'm a 24-year-old gay man with a 31-year-old bi boyfriend. I've known since we got together that he's a lot more sexually experienced than I am, but it's never been a big deal before now. This weekend, he met my parents for what we thought would be the first time. But it turns out that ten years ago, during his "big bi slut phase" (his words), they had a threesome. I recognize that no one did anything wrong—they were three consenting adults—and it's not like anyone could’ve known that he and I would get together in the future. But also, my boyfriend fucked my parents! I'm mortified, he's mortified, they're mortified, and I may never be able to look at my parents again. Please help us find a way to move past this!
I Knew He Was Into Blonds
( Read more... )
I Knew He Was Into Blonds
( Read more... )
minoanmissI wasn't going to post today but OMG, I've read this fanfic. ( content advisory: does this count as incest? )
(no subject)
Jun. 30th, 2021 01:15 amconulyDear Carolyn: Eight years ago, my dad cheated on my mom and ended their marriage. A month after the divorce, my dad married his mistress. While her adult children were in the wedding party, neither my brother nor I were even invited. I didn’t meet her until a year later, when I was told she didn’t feel comfortable with me staying with them in the house I grew up in, and they demanded I leave. The one other time I have seen him in the years since, she insisted on chaperoning the visit.
Now my dad insists he wants a relationship with me, but he reaches out only sporadically, and only with superficial emails — updates on his favorite baseball team, etc. — as though nothing has happened. He rarely answers my calls, and when she is in the room, he will usher me off the phone as quickly as possible.
I have written him exhaustive emails telling him how badly he has hurt me and how I need more of a reckoning to move forward. These have been met with unwillingness to engage.
I am tired of being hurt and sad. I don't want to lose my dad forever, but I don't know how to reconcile if he doesn't want to put in any real effort. I live abroad, so a low-stakes in-person meeting isn't possible.
Is there a third option that is neither cutting him off completely nor accepting this status quo?
— Still Hurt
( Read more... )
Now my dad insists he wants a relationship with me, but he reaches out only sporadically, and only with superficial emails — updates on his favorite baseball team, etc. — as though nothing has happened. He rarely answers my calls, and when she is in the room, he will usher me off the phone as quickly as possible.
I have written him exhaustive emails telling him how badly he has hurt me and how I need more of a reckoning to move forward. These have been met with unwillingness to engage.
I am tired of being hurt and sad. I don't want to lose my dad forever, but I don't know how to reconcile if he doesn't want to put in any real effort. I live abroad, so a low-stakes in-person meeting isn't possible.
Is there a third option that is neither cutting him off completely nor accepting this status quo?
— Still Hurt
( Read more... )
(no subject)
Jun. 27th, 2021 03:28 pmconulyear Carolyn: My husband, "John," is the oldest of three children. His siblings, "Bill" and "Sue," both live where they all were raised. Both parents are in declining health. Over the years, Sue has taken on the lion's share of caring for them. She is a nurse, so a logical person to tend to medical issues, and now works in a high-pressure corporate job in the health-care industry.
Bill and his wife help out when specifically asked, but that is all. We have regularly sent money to Sue to help with expenses as we are more able to do so than she.
Mom and Dad tend to call on Sue, believing her work is less important and demanding than Bill's. Moving them out of their home is not really a possibility. They have recently agreed to have someone help once a week, but now Sue spends time managing her, so while she is relieved of some physical work, she is still involved.
Sue is about to change jobs, and is concerned she will no longer be as flexible as she has been to tend to her parents' needs. She has spoken with Bill and his wife, who have said they will try to help. When I suggested to my husband the three of them get on the phone together to come up with a plan, he told me it "wasn't his problem" and that he had too much else on his mind. Bill's attitude is similar.
I'm just a sister-in-law, so have no real say, obviously. But when I talk with Sue, as I do regularly to provide some emotional support, I can see she is at the end of her rope. She told me recently, in tears, that if she could pay $2,500 (the last amount we contributed to the parents' fund) to be free of her responsibility she would do it in an instant.
I feel terrible that she carries this burden, but don't know how I can help. The family does not communicate well. Years ago, I asked how my mother-in-law would manage financially if my father-in-law died. You'd have thought I was asking if it was okay to kill him. This head-in-the-sand approach may work for my husband and his brother, but it is obviously not working for Sue. Is there anything I can do?
— Frustrated
( Read more... )
Bill and his wife help out when specifically asked, but that is all. We have regularly sent money to Sue to help with expenses as we are more able to do so than she.
Mom and Dad tend to call on Sue, believing her work is less important and demanding than Bill's. Moving them out of their home is not really a possibility. They have recently agreed to have someone help once a week, but now Sue spends time managing her, so while she is relieved of some physical work, she is still involved.
Sue is about to change jobs, and is concerned she will no longer be as flexible as she has been to tend to her parents' needs. She has spoken with Bill and his wife, who have said they will try to help. When I suggested to my husband the three of them get on the phone together to come up with a plan, he told me it "wasn't his problem" and that he had too much else on his mind. Bill's attitude is similar.
I'm just a sister-in-law, so have no real say, obviously. But when I talk with Sue, as I do regularly to provide some emotional support, I can see she is at the end of her rope. She told me recently, in tears, that if she could pay $2,500 (the last amount we contributed to the parents' fund) to be free of her responsibility she would do it in an instant.
I feel terrible that she carries this burden, but don't know how I can help. The family does not communicate well. Years ago, I asked how my mother-in-law would manage financially if my father-in-law died. You'd have thought I was asking if it was okay to kill him. This head-in-the-sand approach may work for my husband and his brother, but it is obviously not working for Sue. Is there anything I can do?
— Frustrated
( Read more... )
gingicat(That's my interpretation of the background of this letter, further down on the page.)
Dear Amy: My mom and I generally have a good relationship, but she does one thing that is really inconsiderate.
I am a light sleeper. I normally wake up around 9 a.m.
My mom is a very active person and insists on exercising every morning before she goes to work.
Because gyms have closed, she has resorted to running on our home treadmill in the mornings. However, since the room with the treadmill she runs on is right beneath my bedroom, her loud running wakes me up from my sleep.
I pointed out that she can run outside or run on the treadmill at other times of the day, but she insists on her current routine.
I asked my dad to talk to her, but he is afraid that she will explode.
I've tried to make compromises by asking her to run only after 8 a.m., but she will not budge, and often runs at 7 a.m.
In response, she screams at me, saying that I am "not the only person who lives in this house."
I am a college student. I need adequate rest to do well in school.
With her disrupting my sleep, I am often tired and unable to focus well on my studies. I feel that it is common decency for people to respect others' sleep.
How can I form an agreement with my mom without me sacrificing my sleep?
— Sleepless
( Read more... )
Dear Amy: My mom and I generally have a good relationship, but she does one thing that is really inconsiderate.
I am a light sleeper. I normally wake up around 9 a.m.
My mom is a very active person and insists on exercising every morning before she goes to work.
Because gyms have closed, she has resorted to running on our home treadmill in the mornings. However, since the room with the treadmill she runs on is right beneath my bedroom, her loud running wakes me up from my sleep.
I pointed out that she can run outside or run on the treadmill at other times of the day, but she insists on her current routine.
I asked my dad to talk to her, but he is afraid that she will explode.
I've tried to make compromises by asking her to run only after 8 a.m., but she will not budge, and often runs at 7 a.m.
In response, she screams at me, saying that I am "not the only person who lives in this house."
I am a college student. I need adequate rest to do well in school.
With her disrupting my sleep, I am often tired and unable to focus well on my studies. I feel that it is common decency for people to respect others' sleep.
How can I form an agreement with my mom without me sacrificing my sleep?
— Sleepless
( Read more... )
minoanmissWith the commentary discussion in the first comment, if I can make it work. ( Read more... )
ambyrThis isn't actually an advice column letter, but I was fascinated to see AARP Magazine (formerly known as the American Association of Retired Persons, an organization for people 55+) providing unsolicited advice about No, Really, You Need To Respect Your Adult Kids' Boundaries in much firmer tones than a lot of columnists are willing to use. If this being not strictly speaking on-topic is a problem I can delete it, but it's an issue that comes up so often in advice columns that it seemed pertinent. (And hey, it does quote an advice columnist!)
( How to be a good guest in your adult child's home )
( How to be a good guest in your adult child's home )
xenacrysthttps://gentlebutch.com/2020/12/17/should-i-buy-my-son-a-mail-order-penis/
Dear Gentle Butch,
My young adult trans son gave us his Christmas wish list today, and it includes a packer as one of his top three wants. He sent a link to one that is very realistic-looking. I want to affirm him, but I blush at the thought of buying him a mail-order penis. Should I just get over it?
— His Mom
( cut for, er, length... )
Dear Gentle Butch,
My young adult trans son gave us his Christmas wish list today, and it includes a packer as one of his top three wants. He sent a link to one that is very realistic-looking. I want to affirm him, but I blush at the thought of buying him a mail-order penis. Should I just get over it?
— His Mom
( cut for, er, length... )
conulyHi, Carolyn: I have been estranged from my son for about 12 years; he refuses to have any contact with me. It was his decision soon after I divorced his mother.
Ironically, a few years after that, my son was divorced from his first wife. He is now remarried. I learned recently he and his second wife just had a baby, my granddaughter.
I am thinking of corresponding with his wife to convince her that I should be able to see my granddaughter. Such attempts could create friction in my son's marriage.
Should I try to convince my daughter-in-law that I should be able to see my granddaughter or just wait for a time my son might seek reconciliation?
— L.
( Read more... )
Ironically, a few years after that, my son was divorced from his first wife. He is now remarried. I learned recently he and his second wife just had a baby, my granddaughter.
I am thinking of corresponding with his wife to convince her that I should be able to see my granddaughter. Such attempts could create friction in my son's marriage.
Should I try to convince my daughter-in-law that I should be able to see my granddaughter or just wait for a time my son might seek reconciliation?
— L.
( Read more... )
minoanmissQ. Our daughter’s choices: We recently found out our (adult) teenage daughter has dropped out of school and quit her part-time job to do online sex work. Naturally we’re not thrilled about this, but she likes to push our buttons and we know that if we object, it’ll just drive her even more. This wasn’t from some strong desire to do sex work on her part—she’s very lazy and wanted to make money without having to show up for a job everyday. For a while she was using her real name in the pictures and videos, and a quick Google search of just her name pulls them up easily (her face is visible). Recently, her relatives (aunts and uncles, grandparents, family friends) have been asking about her and our other kids, how they’re doing, and how our daughter’s doing in school. We’ve managed to tell them she’s not in school anymore, but they ask why and what she’s doing for work, and that’s where we get stuck. The last few times we were asked, we made a quick excuse to get off the phone, but I know it’s going to come up again. Our daughter begged us to not tell our family, but I don’t know what we’re supposed to do. On top of that, we’re pretty ashamed of our daughter’s choice and feel like we’re bad parents. My partner says we have to tell them and they’re going to find out eventually. I’m torn. What do we do?
A: You do not “have to” out your daughter’s work to your relatives, even if that work is easily accessible by search engine. “She’s doing freelance work online” is a perfectly acceptable answer. You can, if you like, talk to your friends about how you’re going through a rough patch in your relationship with her, that you feel shut out from her decision-making process, and that you struggle in finding ways to relate to her. You can even talk to a therapist about these things. They’re real and difficult, and you have a right to seek support as you figure out how to love your child who’s pulling away in young adulthood and making choices that are hard for you to deal with. But outing her could not only put her at risk—it might also make a future relationship with her impossible.
You don’t have to like her choices or agree with them. But outing her will not get you any of the things that you want: It won’t convince her to go back to school, it won’t facilitate mutual trust and respect, and it won’t contribute to her safety or well-being.
( a couple of reader replies )
A: You do not “have to” out your daughter’s work to your relatives, even if that work is easily accessible by search engine. “She’s doing freelance work online” is a perfectly acceptable answer. You can, if you like, talk to your friends about how you’re going through a rough patch in your relationship with her, that you feel shut out from her decision-making process, and that you struggle in finding ways to relate to her. You can even talk to a therapist about these things. They’re real and difficult, and you have a right to seek support as you figure out how to love your child who’s pulling away in young adulthood and making choices that are hard for you to deal with. But outing her could not only put her at risk—it might also make a future relationship with her impossible.
You don’t have to like her choices or agree with them. But outing her will not get you any of the things that you want: It won’t convince her to go back to school, it won’t facilitate mutual trust and respect, and it won’t contribute to her safety or well-being.
( a couple of reader replies )
