Dear Prudence: Ailing Mother Accuses Black Caregiver of Theft

[minoanmiss]

My family hired home companion care for my mother, who is 82 and has difficulty with household chores. She is also experiencing some cognitive decline: forgetfulness, difficulty keeping track of things and information, poor executive functioning, etc. This week, she accused her caregiver, who is Black, of “taking my bathing suits.” There are no bathing suits, but Mom is insistent. I asked why her caregiver would steal old-lady bathing suits, and Mom said “to sell them on the Internet.” When I pointed out that used bathing suits are akin to used underwear and that no one sells them secondhand, she said, icily: “Cultural differences.” I told her that was a racist thing to say, and she hung up on me. While Mom could eventually be convinced that there were no bathing suits to steal, I can’t guarantee that she will be civil to her caregiver. I am torn between taking a job away from a working person or potentially subjecting them to racist abuse. Do I give the caregiver the option to stay or go? How much do I share with them about my mother’s true feelings and accusation? Or do I tell the home care agency that we are canceling the service, but it has nothing to do with the caregiver?

—Between a Rock and a Bathing Suit

Dear Bathing Suit,

I don’t know if a person experiencing cognitive decline uttering the phrase “cultural differences” is a definite sign of racism, but I’m pretty sure you have some background information on your mother’s worldview that informs your assessment. So let’s go with “Yes, she’s being a bigot.” (Also, second-hand stores do sell swimsuits, but that’s neither here nor there.)

But you don’t really have to do anything. If there’s one thing my research (read: years of casually scrolling social media posts from friends who work in health care) has taught me, it’s that people of color who work in the medical field deal with racism from older white people all the time. Whether they cry about it or laugh it off or mock the perpetrators, it’s tragically part of the job in many cases. So definitely don’t fire this woman because of your discomfort. If she decides to quit, she will quit on her own. It’s not your job to do that for her. And she may need the money more than she needs a pleasant client.

But you’re a good person and you don’t want to just act like this is OK. I get it. So how about a quick chat or a text along these lines: “You may or may not have noticed that my mom is kind of racist. I’m mortified, and I’ve been arguing with her about her comments, but I doubt I can get her to change, given her condition. I know you’ve probably seen it all before, but you don’t deserve to hear these remarks, and if there is anything you want me to know or anything I can do to make your job easier or if you just want to vent about it, please let me know.” And throw in a gift card.