Dear Prudence: Ailing Mother Accuses Black Caregiver of Theft

[minoanmiss]

My family hired home companion care for my mother, who is 82 and has difficulty with household chores. She is also experiencing some cognitive decline: forgetfulness, difficulty keeping track of things and information, poor executive functioning, etc. This week, she accused her caregiver, who is Black, of “taking my bathing suits.” There are no bathing suits, but Mom is insistent. I asked why her caregiver would steal old-lady bathing suits, and Mom said “to sell them on the Internet.” When I pointed out that used bathing suits are akin to used underwear and that no one sells them secondhand, she said, icily: “Cultural differences.” I told her that was a racist thing to say, and she hung up on me. While Mom could eventually be convinced that there were no bathing suits to steal, I can’t guarantee that she will be civil to her caregiver. I am torn between taking a job away from a working person or potentially subjecting them to racist abuse. Do I give the caregiver the option to stay or go? How much do I share with them about my mother’s true feelings and accusation? Or do I tell the home care agency that we are canceling the service, but it has nothing to do with the caregiver?

—Between a Rock and a Bathing Suit

Dear Bathing Suit,

I don’t know if a person experiencing cognitive decline uttering the phrase “cultural differences” is a definite sign of racism, but I’m pretty sure you have some background information on your mother’s worldview that informs your assessment. So let’s go with “Yes, she’s being a bigot.” (Also, second-hand stores do sell swimsuits, but that’s neither here nor there.)

But you don’t really have to do anything. If there’s one thing my research (read: years of casually scrolling social media posts from friends who work in health care) has taught me, it’s that people of color who work in the medical field deal with racism from older white people all the time. Whether they cry about it or laugh it off or mock the perpetrators, it’s tragically part of the job in many cases. So definitely don’t fire this woman because of your discomfort. If she decides to quit, she will quit on her own. It’s not your job to do that for her. And she may need the money more than she needs a pleasant client.

But you’re a good person and you don’t want to just act like this is OK. I get it. So how about a quick chat or a text along these lines: “You may or may not have noticed that my mom is kind of racist. I’m mortified, and I’ve been arguing with her about her comments, but I doubt I can get her to change, given her condition. I know you’ve probably seen it all before, but you don’t deserve to hear these remarks, and if there is anything you want me to know or anything I can do to make your job easier or if you just want to vent about it, please let me know.” And throw in a gift card.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

What is up with the first paragraph of the reply? WTF? either 'cultural differences' is correct, or it's racist, and since in this case it's supposed to explain that the reason a Black aide would steal someone's stuff and sell it is that this is Black culture, I would say it's racist.

That said, "people of color who work in the medical field deal with racism from older white people all the time." is sadly true, and so is the fact that people suffering cognitive decline often spuriously accuse caretakers and support workers of theft in general. The intersection point is really fun, as one can imagine. I do agree with the bulk of the advice -- don't fire someone who needs a job enough to do this difficult job, and don't engage in racism by trying to protect someone from it (the long term solution is to never hire Black aides, which is.... racist) Instead apologize to and thank the aide, and definitely include a gift card.

[cereta]

Honestly, if anything, I would think cognitive decline would lead to a white person, especially an older one, being more likely to express overtly the racist assumptions that they've kept silent out of social convention. Often, one of the hardest things about dementia is that the person will say out loud the unkind thoughts that we usually suppress precisely because they're unkind. (Not that racism is just "unkind," but you get my meaning.)

I'm rambling a bit and coming at it a little nearer than I like

[sporky_rat]

That's a truth. Miss Martha who was a home companion to my very elderly cousin Shirley had been known by Shirley since just about birth and still got some rude comments from Shirley on her really bad dementia days.

We loved Miss Martha, her mama had been my grandfather's bus line housekeeper/cook (Miss Eddi really just walked across the road and did afternoon stuff and dinner, enough that when everyone got home there was food soon to eat), and she was well aware that if Shirley still had her mind about her, there'd've never been a word uttered.

The companion in the LW's instance at least knows that it isn't personal, it's old lady dementia reaching out to the first person/thing it sees.

Re: I'm rambling a bit and coming at it a little nearer than I like

[minoanmiss]

Well, I mean, it is kinda personal in that they picked our skin color, a personal characteristic, to insult us on. But one can't express anger at someone old and frail and in need of help -- it's a job duty, to not get mad at them.

[jadelennox]

yeah, the script and the gift card is good advice.

[ambyr]

I want to say “my grandparents would NEVER,” but this makes me want to send their aide a gift card just in case.

[minoanmiss]

Even though your grandparents are the sweetest people ever being an aide is a really hard job. A little note and gift card couldn't hurt.

[ambyr]

You're not wrong! Off to inquire with more local family who interact with her more about what sorts of gifts or gift cards would suit her tastes.

[lemonsharks]

FFFFFFHHH.

If I'd had this happen I'd be apologizing profusely and sitting down with the caregiver to write a severance package clause into her contract, so that she could quit with some cushion against financial hardship. And giving her a raise for working with racist people psychological damage hazard pay, if she'd accept it.

[minoanmiss]

The thing is, that sends the aide from the current situation (working with a racist patient, for their child the LW who is sensible, kind, and not racist) to gamble against ending up in a very likely worse place (i.e., working with another racist patient, for their child who is also racist and uncaring and/or will believe the patient's accusations and have the aide arrested, with all the attendant delights of being in police custody while Black).

It looks like a good and kind thing to do to release a Black person from having to work with a racist patient, but unfortunately, racist patients are really really common and if a Black health care worker has to take care of one, being employed by someone with the POV of the LW is the best case scenario, sadly. I could hope that LW could give the aide severance enough to be able to leave home health care work entirely, but I don't know if that could be expected.

[lemonsharks]

Oh god; I don't know if I was unclear there:

I meant to express that I would not fire the aid, but add a contractual obligation to provide severeness if they quit.

I think an employer has a responsibility to their employee to provide a working environment that isn't full of racism. Where that's not possible due to the nature of the job*, the employer has a responsibility to their employee to not force them via circumstance to continue in a job as it goes from bearably to unbearably racist.

I WANT want for capitalism disappear and for no one to do work that they

But since we live in an imperfect society, there need to be protections for people who need to leave a job, and those protections are on the employer to provide. Part of that is paying them a living wage to begin with. Part of that can be building a fuck off fund into the contract, to account for the reality that many people aren't able to save that FOF even at a living wage

* Racist dementia patients still need care, yet not ever hiring Black aides is itself paternalistically racist (as you said), yet everyone deserves to not face racist abuse at their job

[minoanmiss]

Enh, I probably misread.

"I meant to express that I would not fire the aid, but add a contractual obligation to provide severeness if they quit."

now that is a FANTASTIC idea. Hazardous conditions, hazard pay.

[lemonsharks]

Yeah; psychological and emotional hazard is still hazard

"severeness" lol @ me

s e v e r e n c e

[colorwheel]

the thing is, this woman came to this family through an agency, so there may not be any contract at all between the worker and the LW. the contract may well be only between the LW and the agency who employs the worker.

i might be wrong about this situation; i'm drawing from my own. a couple years ago i broke my arm. combined with some aspects of my chronic disability, i needed someone here 24/7 for a while. (they didn't need to do very much; in fact they had hours in a row when i didn't need them to do anything at all so they read or studied or did things on their phone; but they needed to be there the whole time.) the contract i signed was with the agency that they came through. there was no contract between me and a specific worker. maybe my situation was different because, needing 24/7 care, i had several different people coming -- and actually many more people than would have been needed. they were all catching as many shifts as possible so they all had other clients/care homes too, and i would get whoever was free.

i like the idea of having a contract with the worker herself. i hope that exists in some situations. myself signing a contract with the agency included me promising i would never hire any of the workers i'd met through this agency on the side.

[colorwheel]

it was the line, "Or do I tell the home care agency that we are canceling the service, but it has nothing to do with the caregiver?" that makes me think official things in this situation go through the agency.

which would mean that offering her severance if she quits might count as paying her outside the agency's realm and might have to be under the table. i'd worry that under the table money might make the agency fire her if they somehow found out.

it's hard to figure out how to protect this group of people who are doing such very hard work. the SYSTEM grrrr *shakes fist*

[lemonsharks]

I didn't even consider that an agency would be involved (which was dumb of me)

[colorwheel]

it wasn't dumb of you! it's the kind of situation where you don't know the nitty gritty details of how it works unless you happen to have a specific reason to know those details.

[lemonsharks]

TheMoreYouKnow.jpg ;)

And now I know more things for when/if I'm in the position of needing to hire a home health aide.

[minoanmiss]

There is that, but I decided that in our theoretical we could make it work. rueful smile

[colorwheel]

yes! in our world we can make anything happen!

[heavenscalyx]

Ugh ugh. This happened with one of my grandmothers when my mom and uncle tried to get her in-home help. She was so vicious the poor woman called my mother in tears, and my uncle decided that Mom was exaggerating about the problem and sulkily got my grandmother to move in with him and his wife. After my grandmother walked over to the neighbor's house to ask them to call 911 because her son was trying to kill her, she ended up in assisted living, where she promptly fell, broke her hip, and then declined profoundly. That didn't stop her from screaming "rape" every time a black orderly walked into her room, alas.

My other grandmother had more classic Alzheimer's (as well as a sweeter disposition) and *loved* her Caribbean-American in-home caregivers.

[minoanmiss]

That sounds utterly miserable (and I hope your uncle at least admitted maybe your mother had a point).

I'm glad your other grandmother got along better with her caretakers. I talked to quite a few people from my home community about working in home health care, and one aspect this discussion reminded me of is that when one doesn't know if one will have to deal long term with someone being terrible as part of one's job, finding a client who is sweet natured and not cruel and racist is very very heartening.

[colorwheel]

as soon as i saw what the aides' work lives were like, i immediately resolved to be the least demanding client i possibly could.

they had racist clients (my aides were almost all Black women from Uganda) (i'm white); they had tight schedules dependent upon each other (at end of shift, each one was racing to get to the next shift elsewhere but they weren't allowed to leave until the next aide arrived, so they left late, thus making the next person run late...); and they were all working far, far more than full time. they'd work, like, a 12-hour shift one place and then immediately an 8 or 12 hour shift somewhere else.

they'd also been given agency rules that made things harder. if i wasn't asking for help at a certain moment, they were meant to sit there and wait. wait! i had to assure each one -- gently, four or five times -- that when i didn't need her, she was genuinely free to read, study, text, play on her phone, whatever. their phone would run out of charge and they would start to put it away in their bag as if they weren't supposed to ask to charge it. charge it! here is the outlet! use my electricity! i'm so grateful you're here to help me!

sorry to blather. i am grateful to home health care aides.

[minoanmiss]

Being a home care aide is a very hard job. I'm Caribbean American and many of the ladies from my home church did that work, and then I did admin work for a home health care agency (ugh) and talked to people from across the African diaspora. So, yeah, I collected quite a few stories. You sound like the kind of client people praised to the skies and envied each other for having. Knowing you I am unsurprised. :)

[colorwheel]

i was sooooo grateful that they were doing this job. this job that i would have been really up a creek if nobody were doing it!

[minoanmiss]

This isn't blather at all (I meant to come back and say so before)

[heavenscalyx]

My uncle, alas, was not disposed to admit that his younger sister was right about anything. (There is a small, mean corner of my brain that is savagely glad that his final months were so bloody awful as a result of his sons not getting his 90-year-old ass in-home help when his wife was dying of cancer [she was being cared for at one of her sons' houses, so she was fine], since he was utterly useless in taking care of my grandmother proactively.)

This just makes me more determined to be as polite as humanly possible when ill/requiring care of any sort.

[gingicat]

Reaching out to the caregiver along those lines is a good idea.

[conuly]

I wish the columnist had had space to address two off-topic points:

1. You can't use Socratic reasoning to make your dementia patient back down from bizarre accusations or other unreasonable statements, and you shouldn't be badgering them like that in the first place. I don't *know* that LW's mother is suffering from dementia, but it certainly looks likely. And while I don't know what the correct response to this was, I'm sure that this was the wrong one.

2. If LW's mother needs a caregiver, and is suffering any level of cognitive decline, and *especially* if she's making false accusations, then now is the time to put in a nanny cam, because she is at risk of elder abuse, and theft isn't the least of it. Not that I think that this particular caregiver is actually stealing from her, or is any more likely to harm her in any way than any other caregiver, but because you can't guarantee you'll always have the same aide forevermore, and sooner or later you might get somebody who doesn't care who they hurt, and is sure they'll get away with it because who listens to crazy old people?

3. Everybody else's comments addressing the actual topic at hand make good points, and why gild the lily?