Carolyn Hax: Wants to see more of grown children

[cereta]

Dear Carolyn: I am an 82-year-old woman in good health and living independently. I have two grown kids living 15 to 20 minutes away. We all have a good relationship, but I see them infrequently, and they call maybe once or twice a week. I want more. I have friends and a fairly active social life, but I want more from my kids.

I think it is not too much to ask that each one make it a point to see me once a month. I have dropped hints but nothing has changed. I have not come right out to ask for what I want because I think if they do not visit willingly it will cause resentment, so what's the point. Your thoughts?

— H.

H.: One thought: By waiting for them to read your mind, you’re getting the resentment anyway, without any visits to show for it.

Just say what you want, please: “I’d love to set up a standing visit — say, every first Sunday. How does that sound?”

Comments

[cereta]

Here's where I get puzzled: in addition to "dropping hints," has LW asked her children, to do things? I feel like setting up an actual monthly visit turns this into a Problem (which for LW, it is, but the kids might not see it that way, and framing it as a situation in which they, the kids, are falling down on the job is likely to make them defensive). Can't LW just start by saying, "Hey, I have a craving for Thai food. Want to join me for lunch at Siam Terrace?" or "There's a production The Mousetrap at {local college}, and I've always wanted to see that. What say we go together, my treat?" Im guessing one of three things will happen: the kids will remember realize how much they enjoy spending time with Mom and start issuing their own invitations; the kids will have serious reasons (work, heath,etc) for not going, and LW will learn not to take it personally; or the kids will very obviously blow LW off,which will suck, but will be better than obsessing over what's not going to happen.

[minoanmiss]

But if they Love Her they shoudl Just Know.

[purlewe]

THIS

[shirou]

I still think it's better to be direct. I have a busy life, so if a friend or parent said, "I'm craving Thai," I might join them or I might not. I wouldn't feel bad saying, "sorry, I can't." But if they said, "hey, I miss you and would like to see you more," I would find a way to make a visit happen.

[cereta]

To use an annoying phrase that permeated my school for the longest time, it could be both/and. So, for example,
"Hey, I haven't been to Basmati in the longest time, and I could really go for some butter chicken. Any chance you're free some night this week?" And then, having lured them with delicious, delicious food, she springs the trap: "This was really nice. You know, I really miss spending time with you. I know, we all get so busy and time just gets away with us, but maybe we could make a commitment to spending some time together, even just a cup of coffee, every {period of time}." Conversation could then move to things like plays at the local college/university, sporting events (I know lots of women who've bonded over women's basketball), restaurants they've wanted to try that aren't kid friendly, etc.

And if the offspring seems hesitant or spends a lot of time making excuses or not being enthused about any of the activities, well...There's your answer.

[conuly]

If they have such a good relationship, why is LW worried that asking them directly to visit more often would cause resentment? Either their relationship is not so good, or - listen, LW, it's not too late for therapy.

[sathari]

What I'm hearing from LW is not just that she wants to spend more time with her kids.

She wants them to WANT to spend more time with her.

And maybe saying that out loud in so many words to her kids might help. And there are a lot of different ways to say that, and some of them are loaded with heaps of parent-to-child guilt and some of them are genuine requests for how LW can evoke "I want to spend more time with you even if I actually can't do that because Life" in her kids and there are a whole lot of other variations on these themes.

[ysobel]

What I'm hearing from LW is not just that she wants to spend more time with her kids.

She wants them to WANT to spend more time with her.

I'm getting that too.

As a child of a (very clingy, boundary-oblivious) mom whose threshold of minimally acceptable contact is higher than my comfort level, I'm cringing slightly. And thinking of all the capital-H Hints that my mom drops that I don't accommodate...

It's possible she's a nice mom and her [adul] kids enjoy spending time with her. It's possible the kids are perfectly happy either way. It's possible they dread it. I don't know. But the whole "I want X but I also want them to want X so I won't ask, I'll just be disappointed at them" mindreading ploy is ... gah.

[minoanmiss]

My thoughts (and my mother's parenting style) align with yours.

[purlewe]

ALSO THIS.

I have told my clingy, boundary oblivious mother once that I cannot read her mind. And that if she wanted something she needed to ask for it. That I would not guess.

Her response was "You should *know* what I want bc you are my child"

If LW tells them explicitly what she wants and they do not give it to her than that is one answer.

Also, I find that people who are older and retired seem to think that I have abundant amount more energy bc I am younger (which may or may not be true). But they seem to forgot the ABUNDANT amounts of things I am required to do for work, for home, for my family who live in the same house as me. And that time itself is a finite amount set per day.