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Carolyn Hax: Puppy v. Parents
Hello, Carolyn: My kids have been asking for a dog for several years, and we finally got a family puppy. We love this dog more than we ever expected!
Unfortunately, we live about 600 miles from my parents, who want nothing to do with dogs. They do, however, want to spend time with us and often complain that we don't visit enough. They don't want to house our dog, which I understand, but we can't afford a hotel room or a kennel for all the trips they want us to make.
We can't seem to come to an agreement. I say they shouldn't try to guilt us for having a life outside of them. They feel we should have never gotten a dog knowing they live so far away and can't stand dogs. What do you think?
— A Dog Convert
A Dog Convert: I think what’s truly unfortunate is that your parents think your household is about them. Wow.
It’s also unfortunate they somehow have you thinking theirs is a normal set of expectations that, to some degree, you’re obliged to find ways to address.
There is no “agreement” here to “come to,” because your parents don’t have any say in how you run your own household. None. Zero.
They also don’t have any say in how often you travel to see them, except to let you know whether and for how long you are welcome. And to limit guests to human-only, which is totally their prerogative.
If they really do want to see you, and if they’re unwilling or unable to do the bulk of the traveling themselves, then they have incentives available to them that aren’t attempts to micromanage you. They could offer you kennel money, for example, or to pay for a hotel for visits both ways. They could just trust you to do your best to come see them. They could be such pleasant company that you stretch yourselves financially to travel whenever you can.
Apparently, instead, they skipped the first page in the Unwritten Manual of Hospitality, which notes in 72-point type that if you want to see people, then don’t complain about them, to them, with any frequency that can be described as “often.”
Seriously, parents. This is not a Zodiac cipher.
My advice to you is as follows:
1. Stop arguing with people about things that aren’t their business. Any and all people, but start with your parents.
2. Actually that’s it. See No. 1.
But there are a few other things to consider that can make it all easier. First, develop a canine network of care. People you meet through your dog who love dogs can be an excellent resource when you want to travel. You dog-sit theirs, they dog-sit yours, opportunities multiply like bald spots in your backyard.
Second, if this is but the tip of the guiltberg, then please run your family dynamic by a good therapist. Boundaries work.
Third, scritch that puppy. Except for the face they give you when they want a walk, they don’t do guilt. No wonder you’re a convert.
Fourth — and pardon the layman’s overreach — introduce yourself to Merrill Markoe: merrillmarkoe.com/enough-about-you-my-explanation-of-narcissism. “It’s not enough for a narcissist to be the center of his own world, he must also be the center of yours.” Good dog. [Woof.]
Unfortunately, we live about 600 miles from my parents, who want nothing to do with dogs. They do, however, want to spend time with us and often complain that we don't visit enough. They don't want to house our dog, which I understand, but we can't afford a hotel room or a kennel for all the trips they want us to make.
We can't seem to come to an agreement. I say they shouldn't try to guilt us for having a life outside of them. They feel we should have never gotten a dog knowing they live so far away and can't stand dogs. What do you think?
— A Dog Convert
A Dog Convert: I think what’s truly unfortunate is that your parents think your household is about them. Wow.
It’s also unfortunate they somehow have you thinking theirs is a normal set of expectations that, to some degree, you’re obliged to find ways to address.
There is no “agreement” here to “come to,” because your parents don’t have any say in how you run your own household. None. Zero.
They also don’t have any say in how often you travel to see them, except to let you know whether and for how long you are welcome. And to limit guests to human-only, which is totally their prerogative.
If they really do want to see you, and if they’re unwilling or unable to do the bulk of the traveling themselves, then they have incentives available to them that aren’t attempts to micromanage you. They could offer you kennel money, for example, or to pay for a hotel for visits both ways. They could just trust you to do your best to come see them. They could be such pleasant company that you stretch yourselves financially to travel whenever you can.
Apparently, instead, they skipped the first page in the Unwritten Manual of Hospitality, which notes in 72-point type that if you want to see people, then don’t complain about them, to them, with any frequency that can be described as “often.”
Seriously, parents. This is not a Zodiac cipher.
My advice to you is as follows:
1. Stop arguing with people about things that aren’t their business. Any and all people, but start with your parents.
2. Actually that’s it. See No. 1.
But there are a few other things to consider that can make it all easier. First, develop a canine network of care. People you meet through your dog who love dogs can be an excellent resource when you want to travel. You dog-sit theirs, they dog-sit yours, opportunities multiply like bald spots in your backyard.
Second, if this is but the tip of the guiltberg, then please run your family dynamic by a good therapist. Boundaries work.
Third, scritch that puppy. Except for the face they give you when they want a walk, they don’t do guilt. No wonder you’re a convert.
Fourth — and pardon the layman’s overreach — introduce yourself to Merrill Markoe: merrillmarkoe.com/enough-about-you-my-explanation-of-narcissism. “It’s not enough for a narcissist to be the center of his own world, he must also be the center of yours.” Good dog. [Woof.]
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We live in a culture where many, probably most, people eventually leave their parents' homes and created their own homes, often in distant places. This can create a lot of problems. There are ways to address those problems, but asking one party to structure their lives in essential ways around the other is not one of them.
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Definitely. I think it does help that the dog owner is being reasonable -- this isn't one of those "My beautiful darling dog bit off my neighbor's foot and swallowed it, and now he frowns at us whenever I'm walking her and he limps past. How can I explain to him that it's his responsibility to not be so delicious?" letters.
(Your siblings would find something to complain about, I do not doubt.)
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But, yes -- I am 1000% a cat person, a dog legitimately DID try to eat me as a child, and I am still completely on the side of the LW here.
(I'm fine with friends's dogs, but at a slight distance and not too close to my face.)
The parents are being BEYOND awful/ridiculous/narcissistic.
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she now owns two black labs.
i have been unable to untangle the mental-emotional gymnastics of this sister most of my life but this one REALLY has me stumped
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The things financially independent adults put up with from their parents never fails to astonish me.
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So far, they've decided they like having both of us stay with them, so they haven't got a dog. But it's not a threat on my part, just a description of natural consequences. They have a right to get a dog if they want! It's their house! It won't be them getting a dog at me if they some day decide to take the plunge.
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Ahem. Issues.
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Otherwise, my FIL thought most dogs preferred being outside dogs, but I caught him giving our dog a full carrot at Thanksgiving! 🤣 Our dog has anxiety, but once she calms down, she's got quiet begging down, perfectly. 🐕🦺😊 Yes, she loves carrots for crunching.
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(I see a couple of other options, like sending the grandkids on their own or with only one parent, assuming a two-parent household, making dog friends to trade dog sitting with*, or offering the grandparents a dog-free portion of the house if it's available.)
* I have to do this myself because my catsitters are all firmly on team "I love you but I'm not feeding your snake when you go traveling" (some of them are on team "I love you but I can't stick my hand in the snake house to give her fresh water" which is fine because they told me *before* I'm laid over 10,000 miles from my house
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The idea that the child needs to set up their own household in compliance with the parents who aren't going to be there 24/7 is the epitome of manipulation and arrogance. And yeah, I'd be a little wary of just sending the grandkids off by themselves, I don't trust the parents not to make rude manipulative snarky comments about the grandkids' beloved pet and some BS about "Your parents prefer their dog over us". You know what? I'd probably pick the dog too.