minoanmiss (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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agonyaunt2021-07-15 11:45 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2021-07-15 11:45 am
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Dear Pay Dirt: I want to disinherit my stepson in favor of his former mistress
My late husband was quite wealthy, but he passed away unexpectedly shortly after retiring. He left a small-ish (but enough to pay for Ivy League college and grad school) portion of his money in a trust to his then-teenage son. He left the rest of his money, shares in his company, and other assets to me. I have always felt guilty about getting so much when my stepson should have gotten more, so I have always helped him out—putting more money in accounts for him and his family, buying him his first apartment and house, paying for his wedding. This meant my stepson has lived a luxurious lifestyle while working at a job he enjoys and earning a low salary.
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My stepson had a monthslong affair with a woman he copiously lied to and left her after she got pregnant. She tried to reach out to him, but he ignored her. His wife called her up and cursed her out, apparently calling her several slurs. She finally reached out to me, and after attempting to reason with my stepson (only to be met with rudeness and aggression), I put her in contact with my stepson’s uncle and cousin, who both did tests showing her son had great-uncle/second cousin relationships with them. But because my money has let my stepson earn such a low salary without consequences, she fears he will not be able to pay enough child support, and she is worried she will be let go from her job.
I am furious with my stepson and his wife. I want to pull my financial support from them permanently and give it to his son and former affair partner. My stepson and his wife both have multiple degrees and haven’t worked much because of my support—they could get good jobs if they wanted to. My other step-grandson’s mother has been working at a hotel and lives in a cramped apartment. I want her and her son to have access to the private schools, clothes, cars, house, and money I have guiltily given to my stepson and his wife, but I also want to provide for their son separately, so they can’t access it. What do I do? How should I begin this process and make sure nobody uses the money unwisely? I haven’t consulted anyone yet, and I am not even sure if I should go ahead with it or not.
—Furious Family Bank
Dear Furious,
Your compassion toward your son’s affair partner is admirable, and reasonable given your son’s behavior. If you haven’t already, you should talk to your son about the consequences of what he’s doing. There is a child involved, whether he likes it or not, and that child is going to grow up knowing who his biological father is, and his impression will either be that his father is an irresponsible, selfish person, or that he took responsibility for his actions and did the right thing when the occasion arose. It’s not just about his relationship with his former affair partner; it’s also about his relationship with his own child. You can also emphasize that you were under no obligation to help him out the way you have, but you did it because you felt it was the right thing to do, and fair. He needs to put aside his obvious anger toward his affair partner and consider that this child is not at fault and punishing him or her by withholding support is cruel and wrong.
If he can’t be persuaded to do the right thing on his own, I think you could make an argument for using some of the money you’d normally give him to make sure your grandchild via the affair is taken care of. I don’t think you should completely withdraw support from your stepson because that would likely go against the wishes of your late husband, but I doubt your late husband would want to see a grandchild of his, whether via marriage or not, suffer either.
If you decide you are going to support your other grandchild, I think you need to put more rigorous boundaries around what’s expected of you with regard to financial support and make sure your own will reflects your decisions about how much support you’ll provide and to whom.
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My stepson had a monthslong affair with a woman he copiously lied to and left her after she got pregnant. She tried to reach out to him, but he ignored her. His wife called her up and cursed her out, apparently calling her several slurs. She finally reached out to me, and after attempting to reason with my stepson (only to be met with rudeness and aggression), I put her in contact with my stepson’s uncle and cousin, who both did tests showing her son had great-uncle/second cousin relationships with them. But because my money has let my stepson earn such a low salary without consequences, she fears he will not be able to pay enough child support, and she is worried she will be let go from her job.
I am furious with my stepson and his wife. I want to pull my financial support from them permanently and give it to his son and former affair partner. My stepson and his wife both have multiple degrees and haven’t worked much because of my support—they could get good jobs if they wanted to. My other step-grandson’s mother has been working at a hotel and lives in a cramped apartment. I want her and her son to have access to the private schools, clothes, cars, house, and money I have guiltily given to my stepson and his wife, but I also want to provide for their son separately, so they can’t access it. What do I do? How should I begin this process and make sure nobody uses the money unwisely? I haven’t consulted anyone yet, and I am not even sure if I should go ahead with it or not.
—Furious Family Bank
Dear Furious,
Your compassion toward your son’s affair partner is admirable, and reasonable given your son’s behavior. If you haven’t already, you should talk to your son about the consequences of what he’s doing. There is a child involved, whether he likes it or not, and that child is going to grow up knowing who his biological father is, and his impression will either be that his father is an irresponsible, selfish person, or that he took responsibility for his actions and did the right thing when the occasion arose. It’s not just about his relationship with his former affair partner; it’s also about his relationship with his own child. You can also emphasize that you were under no obligation to help him out the way you have, but you did it because you felt it was the right thing to do, and fair. He needs to put aside his obvious anger toward his affair partner and consider that this child is not at fault and punishing him or her by withholding support is cruel and wrong.
If he can’t be persuaded to do the right thing on his own, I think you could make an argument for using some of the money you’d normally give him to make sure your grandchild via the affair is taken care of. I don’t think you should completely withdraw support from your stepson because that would likely go against the wishes of your late husband, but I doubt your late husband would want to see a grandchild of his, whether via marriage or not, suffer either.
If you decide you are going to support your other grandchild, I think you need to put more rigorous boundaries around what’s expected of you with regard to financial support and make sure your own will reflects your decisions about how much support you’ll provide and to whom.