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agonyaunt2022-09-27 03:05 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2022-09-27 03:05 pm
Entry tags:
My Dad Spent His Career Getting Companies off the Hook for Harassment...
... Then It Happened To Me
Prior to his retirement two years ago, my dad spent his entire career in law very successfully getting companies off the hook for sexual harassment claims. This career paid for a wonderful childhood, ruined many women’s lives, and created a major rift between my parents and me from my teen years onward. As a woman in my late 20s, I have a complicated relationship with my parents and have done everything I can to take no money from them and handle my affairs independently.
Six months ago, I was assaulted by my boss in a series of circumstances that led to a mental health emergency. Unable to afford inpatient care, I gave in and reached out to my parents. Prudie, they did everything perfectly: paid my bills with no strings attached, took care of me when I was released from the hospital, organized my FMLA paperwork, and welcomed my girlfriend into their home during my recovery.
I’m back home now, and still in therapy, but I can’t let go of how enraged I am at my dad, for knowing exactly what to do for me while making life hell for other women. I’m particularly angry because he’s suddenly become an “advocate,” as if sexual assault is a new, previously unknown topic. I’m grateful he’s suddenly enforcing behavior with his golf buddies about microaggressions, but I’m deeply angry about how much he’s contributed to this problem over the decades. How do I navigate this toxic brew of gratefulness and rage? It’s truly hard to tell if he’s acting out of guilt or legitimately thinks he’s a champion for women.
A: This sounds like good material for a long letter in which you explain the mix of emotions you’re feeling and tell your dad what, if anything, would help you to move forward and heal your relationship with him. After you write it, decide whether you need to send it, or whether getting everything out gives you a sense of peace.
Q. Re: Flip Flop’s Daughter: I do not mean in any way to dismiss or denigrate your feelings about your father’s work. But as a lawyer, I want to give a little perspective on what it means to work with odious clients. Most of the time, people in your father’s line of work not only get their clients out of trouble, but they also work with those clients to teach them how to stop doing those awful things, to change the culture meaningfully, and to identify problem employees quickly and change their behavior or get rid of them before they can do too much damage. They also teach companies how to work more sensitively and respectfully with injured employees. Someone has to teach them how to behave more respectfully, and while I’m very sorry for you that it was your father who did that, without people like him, change will take longer and will be less consistent. Not everyone can stand to work with odious clients—I cannot and am lucky enough to be able to pick and choose my clients—and I’m grateful for people who can do this work and make a positive contribution by effecting change in these toxic companies.
A: This is a great insight. Now let’s be clear: Plenty of lawyers defend awful, powerful clients (I’m not talking about indigent people who need public defenders in criminal cases here) who do a lot of harm because those clients pay and the lawyers don’t give a shit about anything except making money. But I do believe that what’s described here happens as well. Maybe a letter to Dad could open up a conversation about how he sees his work and help LW make sense of it.
Prior to his retirement two years ago, my dad spent his entire career in law very successfully getting companies off the hook for sexual harassment claims. This career paid for a wonderful childhood, ruined many women’s lives, and created a major rift between my parents and me from my teen years onward. As a woman in my late 20s, I have a complicated relationship with my parents and have done everything I can to take no money from them and handle my affairs independently.
Six months ago, I was assaulted by my boss in a series of circumstances that led to a mental health emergency. Unable to afford inpatient care, I gave in and reached out to my parents. Prudie, they did everything perfectly: paid my bills with no strings attached, took care of me when I was released from the hospital, organized my FMLA paperwork, and welcomed my girlfriend into their home during my recovery.
I’m back home now, and still in therapy, but I can’t let go of how enraged I am at my dad, for knowing exactly what to do for me while making life hell for other women. I’m particularly angry because he’s suddenly become an “advocate,” as if sexual assault is a new, previously unknown topic. I’m grateful he’s suddenly enforcing behavior with his golf buddies about microaggressions, but I’m deeply angry about how much he’s contributed to this problem over the decades. How do I navigate this toxic brew of gratefulness and rage? It’s truly hard to tell if he’s acting out of guilt or legitimately thinks he’s a champion for women.
A: This sounds like good material for a long letter in which you explain the mix of emotions you’re feeling and tell your dad what, if anything, would help you to move forward and heal your relationship with him. After you write it, decide whether you need to send it, or whether getting everything out gives you a sense of peace.
Q. Re: Flip Flop’s Daughter: I do not mean in any way to dismiss or denigrate your feelings about your father’s work. But as a lawyer, I want to give a little perspective on what it means to work with odious clients. Most of the time, people in your father’s line of work not only get their clients out of trouble, but they also work with those clients to teach them how to stop doing those awful things, to change the culture meaningfully, and to identify problem employees quickly and change their behavior or get rid of them before they can do too much damage. They also teach companies how to work more sensitively and respectfully with injured employees. Someone has to teach them how to behave more respectfully, and while I’m very sorry for you that it was your father who did that, without people like him, change will take longer and will be less consistent. Not everyone can stand to work with odious clients—I cannot and am lucky enough to be able to pick and choose my clients—and I’m grateful for people who can do this work and make a positive contribution by effecting change in these toxic companies.
A: This is a great insight. Now let’s be clear: Plenty of lawyers defend awful, powerful clients (I’m not talking about indigent people who need public defenders in criminal cases here) who do a lot of harm because those clients pay and the lawyers don’t give a shit about anything except making money. But I do believe that what’s described here happens as well. Maybe a letter to Dad could open up a conversation about how he sees his work and help LW make sense of it.
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It would be a conversation between LW1 and her father to find out whether he was one of those victim-blaming, get-the-client-off types, or one more like LW2 describes.
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And I’m so, so sorry for what this very good young woman is going through. I hope her therapist tells her that trying to sort through the layers of rationalizations that motivate her father are not going to help her rage at the cruelty of abusers and their enablers--she should try to keep her rage at her abuser separate from her old and complicated rage at her father as best she can and focus on her needs right now. The world is filled with monsters who can be loving and kind to their own tribe, as well as moral reformers who better the world but are monsters to those closest to them. She needs to find a way to deal with the moral ambiguities of humankind and become whole and functional again--she needs to spend no more energy on her father's motivations now and needs to put all her focus on her own health--she is important--her partner is important--her father is not and that needs to be her mantra every time she finds herself going round in the old circles in her head again. And no wasting time on whether she should be grateful he is helping her--it is not important right now. She must center herself and her therapist needs to help her learn how to push everything else aside.
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