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ysobelDear Amy: I have been to therapy off and on throughout the course of my 40-plus-year marriage.
The advice I’ve been given is to pray about it, to find a hobby or to get a divorce.
My wife is my best friend and I love her dearly, but when it comes to love and affection, she is not interested. We have slept in separate bedrooms for most of our marriage. There is never any hand holding, cuddling or intimacy.
When I tell her how lonely I am, she basically ignores me. She is not willing to attend couples’ therapy and is perfectly content with our platonic relationship.
I have hobbies and grandchildren to occupy my days, but I’m extremely lonely. I’m in great shape for my age and hope to live another 30 years.
I can’t bear to think that I will live out the rest of my life being lonesome and wanting a woman’s affection. I’ve been faithful through all of this, but worry about giving in to temptation someday.
Any advice?
— Suffering from Touch Deprivation
( Read more... )
The advice I’ve been given is to pray about it, to find a hobby or to get a divorce.
My wife is my best friend and I love her dearly, but when it comes to love and affection, she is not interested. We have slept in separate bedrooms for most of our marriage. There is never any hand holding, cuddling or intimacy.
When I tell her how lonely I am, she basically ignores me. She is not willing to attend couples’ therapy and is perfectly content with our platonic relationship.
I have hobbies and grandchildren to occupy my days, but I’m extremely lonely. I’m in great shape for my age and hope to live another 30 years.
I can’t bear to think that I will live out the rest of my life being lonesome and wanting a woman’s affection. I’ve been faithful through all of this, but worry about giving in to temptation someday.
Any advice?
— Suffering from Touch Deprivation
( Read more... )
(no subject)
Dec. 1st, 2021 05:31 pmconulyDear Carolyn: My husband has self-esteem issues. He often has negative thoughts about himself, despite my constant reassurance.
His self-esteem issues impact our relationship. When I try to express my feelings or things I would like him to improve on, he gets very emotional and reacts like I’m telling him he is the worst person in the world. Recently, I told him how I would like his help more with our 1-year-old and gave specific examples, and he took it as saying he never helps or is a bad dad. I end up feeling terrible for making him upset and wishing I had just kept my mouth shut.
The problem is, we need to have these conversations to improve and grow as a couple and a family. How can I have them without him becoming upset?
— Hard Conversations
( Read more... )
His self-esteem issues impact our relationship. When I try to express my feelings or things I would like him to improve on, he gets very emotional and reacts like I’m telling him he is the worst person in the world. Recently, I told him how I would like his help more with our 1-year-old and gave specific examples, and he took it as saying he never helps or is a bad dad. I end up feeling terrible for making him upset and wishing I had just kept my mouth shut.
The problem is, we need to have these conversations to improve and grow as a couple and a family. How can I have them without him becoming upset?
— Hard Conversations
( Read more... )
ceretaDear Prudie,I have been with my husband for over 20 years, married for 15. He is 54 and I am 61. He adores me and has never been anything but happy with our life. However, in the last couple of years, I have had some major health issues that have changed our lives somewhat. He doesn’t complain and is right there to help me with anything, but I feel that I am becoming a burden. How do I stop feeling that I am holding him down from enjoying his life? I love him so much and I don’t want to ruin the rest of his life.
— Holding Him Back
Dear Holding Him Back,
When you got married, did he know you were seven years older than him? Was he familiar with the way people tend to deal with medical issues later in life? Was there anything in your vows that touched on the idea of loving each other unconditionally, perhaps “in sickness and in health?” I’m guessing the answers to all these questions are yes! You need to think about why you don’t believe you’re deserving of care and companionship even when you’re not at your best, and why you can’t see that having you as a partner adds value to your husband’s life. And then, with the help of a therapist or some good conversations with him, begin to change your thinking. I’m sure you’re suffering enough as a result of your medical issues—please don’t add to your pain by refusing to accept that the person who promised to love you forever actually does.
— Holding Him Back
Dear Holding Him Back,
When you got married, did he know you were seven years older than him? Was he familiar with the way people tend to deal with medical issues later in life? Was there anything in your vows that touched on the idea of loving each other unconditionally, perhaps “in sickness and in health?” I’m guessing the answers to all these questions are yes! You need to think about why you don’t believe you’re deserving of care and companionship even when you’re not at your best, and why you can’t see that having you as a partner adds value to your husband’s life. And then, with the help of a therapist or some good conversations with him, begin to change your thinking. I’m sure you’re suffering enough as a result of your medical issues—please don’t add to your pain by refusing to accept that the person who promised to love you forever actually does.
lemonsharksDear Amy: My husband and I have been married for 20 years. He had a vasectomy after our son was born 19 years ago because he had two older children from a previous marriage.
During our marriage, he has cheated twice, but I always forgave him.
Surprisingly, at the age of 45, I found out I was pregnant, and he accused me of cheating — which I NEVER did.
A DNA test proved he’s the father of our child.
I’m so mad at him for thinking that, and we haven’t spoken in weeks.
He’s apologized profusely, and has asked for forgiveness, but I can’t seem to forgive him.
Help, what should I do?
– Expecting
Dear Expecting: The tension now is actually a vestige of his previous infidelities.
People tend to assuage their guilt by accusing others of their own transgressions.
It’s yet another way to let yourself off the hook.
You could break the silence in your household by telling your husband that you are struggling to forgive him for his extremely unfair assumption about you.
Solicit his help – and challenge him – by asking him to provide you with reasons to forgive him. In addition to asking for forgiveness now, he may need to fold in a sincere apology for his previous transgressions.
During our marriage, he has cheated twice, but I always forgave him.
Surprisingly, at the age of 45, I found out I was pregnant, and he accused me of cheating — which I NEVER did.
A DNA test proved he’s the father of our child.
I’m so mad at him for thinking that, and we haven’t spoken in weeks.
He’s apologized profusely, and has asked for forgiveness, but I can’t seem to forgive him.
Help, what should I do?
– Expecting
Dear Expecting: The tension now is actually a vestige of his previous infidelities.
People tend to assuage their guilt by accusing others of their own transgressions.
It’s yet another way to let yourself off the hook.
You could break the silence in your household by telling your husband that you are struggling to forgive him for his extremely unfair assumption about you.
Solicit his help – and challenge him – by asking him to provide you with reasons to forgive him. In addition to asking for forgiveness now, he may need to fold in a sincere apology for his previous transgressions.
gingicatMy reaction to the title was "...why do you have to tell them?" but that became clear in the answer; they're visiting the friend's house.
https://forward.com/life/465352/will-my-friend-think-its-weird-that-i-dont-sleep-with-my-husband-on-my/
Please note that this observance is used by Jewish feminists as well as traditionalists... so please don't judge it.
( Read more... )
https://forward.com/life/465352/will-my-friend-think-its-weird-that-i-dont-sleep-with-my-husband-on-my/
Please note that this observance is used by Jewish feminists as well as traditionalists... so please don't judge it.
( Read more... )
minoanmisslikeaduck ( Read more... )
likeaduckDanny: This last one I just love. Super straightforward. Kind of great. Subject is: "I don’t want to hang out with my husband."
Dear Prudence, my husband works a highly unpredictable shift job. He can be called in at pretty much any hour of the day with one day’s notice, and his hours can vary from nine to seven or an overnight shift. On the other hand, I work a much more regular nine to five Monday through Friday. Lately, when my husband has unexpected bouts of free time during the day, like on a weekday afternoon, he pressures me to spend time with him. He says we should take advantage of the little free time during the week we have with each other. I definitely have slow times during the work day and it wouldn’t be out of the ordinary for me to take a few hours off to do my own thing. But Prudie, I don’t want to spend this time with my husband. My job requires a fair amount of extroversion, so when I have free time during the week, I prefer to recharge on my own. I find myself trying to come up with excuses for why I need to be out of the house during these times just so I don’t have to spend my free time with my husband, who happens to not be working.
Avery: Ohhhh.
Danny: His lack of-- *laughs* We're keeping that just because I’ve never--I’ve never had somebody just like sigh, in sadness when I'm reading a letter--
Avery: I'm sorry
Danny: And it’s really it’s really sweet. No, you’re, you have a very, very kind heart.
His lack of routine really grates on me. I’m definitely a creature of habit. I feel bad saying, "I know we never really have time off during the week together, but when we do, I don’t want to spend it with you." He is objectively correct that these overlaps don’t happen often, but unlike him, I don’t want to quote, "take advantage of them" by spending time together. What should we do?
Avery: Is it bad that like this just. Of all the murderer’s row of problems that you’ve lined up, this to me somehow feels like, not the saddest, like there’s no pain Olympics, but this is just indicative of a much larger, sadder, untouchable thing.
( cut for length )
Edited from transcript.
Dear Prudence, my husband works a highly unpredictable shift job. He can be called in at pretty much any hour of the day with one day’s notice, and his hours can vary from nine to seven or an overnight shift. On the other hand, I work a much more regular nine to five Monday through Friday. Lately, when my husband has unexpected bouts of free time during the day, like on a weekday afternoon, he pressures me to spend time with him. He says we should take advantage of the little free time during the week we have with each other. I definitely have slow times during the work day and it wouldn’t be out of the ordinary for me to take a few hours off to do my own thing. But Prudie, I don’t want to spend this time with my husband. My job requires a fair amount of extroversion, so when I have free time during the week, I prefer to recharge on my own. I find myself trying to come up with excuses for why I need to be out of the house during these times just so I don’t have to spend my free time with my husband, who happens to not be working.
Avery: Ohhhh.
Danny: His lack of-- *laughs* We're keeping that just because I’ve never--I’ve never had somebody just like sigh, in sadness when I'm reading a letter--
Avery: I'm sorry
Danny: And it’s really it’s really sweet. No, you’re, you have a very, very kind heart.
His lack of routine really grates on me. I’m definitely a creature of habit. I feel bad saying, "I know we never really have time off during the week together, but when we do, I don’t want to spend it with you." He is objectively correct that these overlaps don’t happen often, but unlike him, I don’t want to quote, "take advantage of them" by spending time together. What should we do?
Avery: Is it bad that like this just. Of all the murderer’s row of problems that you’ve lined up, this to me somehow feels like, not the saddest, like there’s no pain Olympics, but this is just indicative of a much larger, sadder, untouchable thing.
( cut for length )
Edited from transcript.
minoanmissQ. Ill-timed dreams: My husband got laid off during the pandemic (he worked in the travel industry) and went into a full-bore, midlife crisis tailspin. We’re in our mid-30s and I guess he came to the conclusion that he hated many aspects of his life. ( Read more... )
minoanmiss(That's the setup to the real issue. I'm not good at summarizing these.)
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a 6-year-old daughter “Ally” with my ex. We broke up because he was sleeping with “Dee.” Her daughter is the best friend of ours. ( Read more... )
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a 6-year-old daughter “Ally” with my ex. We broke up because he was sleeping with “Dee.” Her daughter is the best friend of ours. ( Read more... )
minoanmissDear Prudence,
received an unexpected Facebook message from my husband’s cousin asking for money. I see him once or twice a year and we’ve always had pleasant exchanges. He’s definitely made some poor decisions, but it all seemed like typical young-guy stuff. After talking with him, it really seemed like he was trying to get his life together, and I sent him some money. My husband was very angry when he found out and called his family. ( Read more... )
received an unexpected Facebook message from my husband’s cousin asking for money. I see him once or twice a year and we’ve always had pleasant exchanges. He’s definitely made some poor decisions, but it all seemed like typical young-guy stuff. After talking with him, it really seemed like he was trying to get his life together, and I sent him some money. My husband was very angry when he found out and called his family. ( Read more... )
conulyDEAR NATALIE: My husband seems to think it is OK to run red lights. There have been five instances in the last week where he gunned it through red lights as they changed from yellow. He goes through periods like this where his driving is very aggressive. He coaches a girls' sport in the summer and his driving after games is terrible. If there is a loss, he takes it out in his driving and on other drivers. When I protest, he tells me to shut up. I am at the end of my rope and don’t even want to go anywhere with him. I can say something, but it is going to make it worse. I just want some pointers so I don't end up divorced over this. -- PASSIVE PASSENGER
( Read more... )
( Read more... )
raineDear Amy: My husband is an identical twin. He is very close to his twin brother, "Chet." Chet is married and has three children. His wife is a spoiled millennial with a short fuse and unpredictable moods. My husband and I have tried for children for a decade now, with no luck. I take issue with something I feel I can't talk to my husband about without him getting defensive and upset. We are very good to his brother's family, attending the kids' games, events and birthday parties. I gave up going on vacation this year so his brother and kids could go with my husband instead of me. We give gifts to the kids, and for Chet and his wife's birthdays. (I'm lucky to get a text message on my birthday.) For Christmas, we dropped more than $200 on gifts for them. My husband and I received nothing from them. I give so much throughout the year! Do we just continue to be neglected because we don't have kids? I felt like I was kicked in the gut leaving the Christmas 'gift exchange' with nothing. Am I being too sensitive, or are my feelings warranted? What is the best way to communicate this to my husband without him feeling like I'm attacking his brother/family? - Flying Solo
( Read more... )
( Read more... )
minoanmiss[#2 at the link]
About a year ago, my then-boyfriend came to visit me at work. A new colleague, whom I didn’t know or work with, told several colleagues that he has a criminal record, which she knew because her sister dated him years ago. ( Read more... )
About a year ago, my then-boyfriend came to visit me at work. A new colleague, whom I didn’t know or work with, told several colleagues that he has a criminal record, which she knew because her sister dated him years ago. ( Read more... )
Dear Prudence: EPIC TREE WAR
Dec. 17th, 2019 02:26 pmminoanmissQ. Passive-aggressive Christmas ornaments: I have had an exclusively beach-themed Christmas tree for about 15 years because it matches my home's decor and, quite frankly, I'm a bit obsessed with all things seaside. ( Read more... )
His Way or the Highway
Oct. 27th, 2019 04:52 pmconulyDear Annie: My husband is controlling. Everything has to be his way. I've caught him in lies. We argue constantly. I get pretty tired of it, but I come right back to him every time. I'm trying to figure out what to do.
We've both had hard lives. I've heard some concerning things about how he treated his ex-wife. I'm a nice and sweet person. I just want to be treated right. I don't like being yelled at or controlled. I used to work but now I can't get a job because he doesn't want me to get a job.
Also, he still constantly deals with his ex-girlfriend. She and I can't stand each other. She's been stalking him for seven years. I tried telling him to change his number and he won't. I don't know if he's still talking to her; she calls him privately. I was wondering what to do. I think he still has feelings for her, because otherwise he'd have told her to stop "stalking" him, instead of just letting it continue. What do you think? -- Stay or Go
( Oh, Annie, no! )
We've both had hard lives. I've heard some concerning things about how he treated his ex-wife. I'm a nice and sweet person. I just want to be treated right. I don't like being yelled at or controlled. I used to work but now I can't get a job because he doesn't want me to get a job.
Also, he still constantly deals with his ex-girlfriend. She and I can't stand each other. She's been stalking him for seven years. I tried telling him to change his number and he won't. I don't know if he's still talking to her; she calls him privately. I was wondering what to do. I think he still has feelings for her, because otherwise he'd have told her to stop "stalking" him, instead of just letting it continue. What do you think? -- Stay or Go
( Oh, Annie, no! )
AAM: Married to children
Aug. 6th, 2019 10:01 amxenacrystFor many years, my husband has been working at a job where his direct boss is his childhood best friend. This is dysfunctional in the extreme for a lot of reasons, including but not limited to screaming matches, work calls at all hours, and the expectation my husband does work-work but also helps his boss move, put together furniture, walk his dog, pick up his food, and cover for him when he’s MIA.
I’ve come to accept that I can’t change this dynamic. My husband doesn’t see it as abnormal and enjoys the “perks” of this situation.
( Letter, cut for length )
I’ve come to accept that I can’t change this dynamic. My husband doesn’t see it as abnormal and enjoys the “perks” of this situation.
( Letter, cut for length )
minoanmissA reader writes:
I work for an accounting firm with about 40 employees. I’ve been there for about nine months now and generally enjoy it. However, the culture has been a bit difficult for me to adjust to. We sometimes have clients visit for meetings and because there is limited space at the office and it’s always busy, we have a system to make sure the meeting rooms are always available when needed.
Some of the time this works. However, the director’s wife (who works for a completely different company) has a habit of regularly turning up to either hang out and chat or actually work from our office. Jane turns up unannounced with a laptop and camps out in one of the meeting rooms doing work for whatever company she works for, which makes things very difficult for us. The director is sometimes busy for hours until he realizes Jane is there and presumably resolves whatever reason she had for coming in.( Read more... )
I work for an accounting firm with about 40 employees. I’ve been there for about nine months now and generally enjoy it. However, the culture has been a bit difficult for me to adjust to. We sometimes have clients visit for meetings and because there is limited space at the office and it’s always busy, we have a system to make sure the meeting rooms are always available when needed.
Some of the time this works. However, the director’s wife (who works for a completely different company) has a habit of regularly turning up to either hang out and chat or actually work from our office. Jane turns up unannounced with a laptop and camps out in one of the meeting rooms doing work for whatever company she works for, which makes things very difficult for us. The director is sometimes busy for hours until he realizes Jane is there and presumably resolves whatever reason she had for coming in.( Read more... )
lilyseaQ. Fun without him: I am a woman in my early-30s, and I have been married for 10 years this summer. My husband is incredible—kind, generous, funny, supportive of my career, has a wonderful family, loves my family, and, in the inimitable words of Zoolander, is “really, really ridiculously good-looking.” I want to write apology cards to everyone who can’t be married to him because I am.
My miracle of a husband does not enjoy socializing. I like seeing friends outside work (dinner, brunch, a show, etc.) two or three times a month; he’s wholly satisfied with perhaps half that frequency. This isn’t an introvert-extrovert issue. (For what it’s worth, I test and identify as an ambivert, and he’s more clearly an introvert.) He just has lower need for an interest in social interaction beyond the two of us, even when it’s one on one or in a very small group. He’s pretty cerebral, and over the course of his life, he’s always had a handful of close, deep friendships, and he spends most of his time working, with his family, or occasionally that handful of people. He’s charming and wonderful when we do go out with others, but he’s clear about the fact that he’s not interested in doing any more of it than we currently do. I think this is totally reasonable—he has reflected on what’s meaningful and satisfying to him, it’s OK that his answer is different from mine, and we both feel like we talk and compromise about this in a healthy way.
My questions regard interactions about this with my friends who are in relationships. I can’t seem to communicate my husband’s preferences about this in a way that isn’t confusing or hurtful to them. I will very happily individually make plans to hang out with a couple, but when I make an invitation just from myself or reply to their invites with something along the lines of “[My husband] unfortunately isn’t able to make it, but if it’s OK if there are just three of us, I’d love to join you,” they want to know where he is, insist we reschedule when he can join, and generally have a lot of follow-up questions to anything general and warm I try to relay. My friends have all met him, but managing a rotation with the frequency he prefers, they would only see him a couple of times a year. It’s easy to get out of this in the short term by claiming a work obligation (his job has unpredictable and nontraditional hours), but that isn’t believable forever. I’ve had a friend say in exasperation, “I know other detectives, and I know they all eat dinner!”
On the other hand, a more honest “He likes you very much and is happy to see you as often as he sees other friends, but he prefers not to go out regularly” sounds like we’re hiding something. This isn’t an issue with my single friends, and I don’t think it would be an issue with his male friends—said more specifically, I don’t think a partnered man would be miffed if my husband said, “Sure, but [my wife] can’t make it.” Part of my frustration is admittedly that I think this problem is gendered and rooted in expectations specifically about how a married woman of a certain social class is expected to behave. (I grew up proudly working-class in rural middle America and now have a comfortable finance career in the Bay Area. I don’t remember this couples-have-to-go-out-with-couples thing being a problem in the former setting.) There also seems to be a miasma of “Is he not a good husband to you because he doesn’t want to do this?” That’s something I don’t appreciate. How can I explain this to friends I otherwise care about very much? And more philosophically, am I crazy to think it shouldn’t be a big deal if my husband and I don’t take every social engagement together?
A: I wonder, if you were to show your husband this letter and talk to him about just how much time and energy you have to spend making excuses for him to your friends, if he might reconsider going on an additional outing or two a month, even if it’s only for an hour and he begs off early to go be an introvert. Not in a punishing sense, as in “Look what you’ve reduced me to with your selfishness,” but in the sense of “Sometimes, when you prioritize your alone time, I’m hit with some unfair, maybe-unintentionally sexist expectations. It takes a lot out of me. I’m not asking you to go out with me and our friends every week, but I wanted to share with you how difficult it can be sometimes, because you haven’t seen it before. Do you think we could occasionally revisit our going-out policy? What would you need in order to feel comfortable going out to, say, one more dinner a month? If you could leave early, would that help? If we invited people over here? Let’s discuss all our options.”
In addition to that, I think you can push back a little bit with some of your friends: “Lt. Stabler takes a lot of downtime, and sometimes that means I want to go out when he doesn’t. I sometimes feel like I’m being called upon to account for him or to reassure other people that our relationships is OK, and it feels like a lot of pressure. I want to see you, I’m very happily married, and it would mean a lot to me if I could sometimes show up to dinner without him and without inviting comment.”
jadelennoxDear Abby: My husband of 10 years is in the process of retiring from the military and is now re-evaluating procedures and policies of everything -- including our marriage. I'm trying to respect his needs in an effort to help him make sense of things. However, there are times when I feel some of his new rules are hurtful or harmful and need to be negotiated or evaluated. (By the way, in general, I do not encourage or support the idea of rules in marriage aside from fidelity; communication should be the rule in my opinion, but I digress.)
His latest rule is that I need to be covered when getting ready in the morning (It's not proper to be so comfortable naked, and if you respect me, you would do as I ask). He said he thinks I look amazing now, but then he added: Think about when you are your grandmother's age; you won't be pleasant to look at.
As his partner, I feel we should make each other feel comfortable in the buff, and it's harmful to ask our partner to cover up for any reason in the sanctity of our home. We have no children and live alone, and I have always gotten ready in the mornings this way, behind closed doors, where no one but my husband can see me. Abby, can you guide us to resolution on this matter? -- NOTHING TO HIDE IN GEORGIA
Dear Nothing: As a military man, your husband is used to rules and structure, which are necessary in that environment. This, however, is civilian life. Before allowing him to make any more rules or institute a change in dress code (undress code), allow me to guide you directly to the office of a licensed marriage counselor because, unless there is something you have omitted from your letter, your husband is a mile off base.
His latest rule is that I need to be covered when getting ready in the morning (It's not proper to be so comfortable naked, and if you respect me, you would do as I ask). He said he thinks I look amazing now, but then he added: Think about when you are your grandmother's age; you won't be pleasant to look at.
As his partner, I feel we should make each other feel comfortable in the buff, and it's harmful to ask our partner to cover up for any reason in the sanctity of our home. We have no children and live alone, and I have always gotten ready in the mornings this way, behind closed doors, where no one but my husband can see me. Abby, can you guide us to resolution on this matter? -- NOTHING TO HIDE IN GEORGIA
Dear Nothing: As a military man, your husband is used to rules and structure, which are necessary in that environment. This, however, is civilian life. Before allowing him to make any more rules or institute a change in dress code (undress code), allow me to guide you directly to the office of a licensed marriage counselor because, unless there is something you have omitted from your letter, your husband is a mile off base.
fairestcatDear Prudence,
My husband and I met working at a major tech company. He left with more than $2 million at age 36. On the outside, our life looks great. But he hasn’t worked since we got married nearly 20 years ago, and as a result, he’s blown through all our cash. I knew he was selling off stock but was unaware of the extent until a few years ago. I never expected he would not work again. Now he resents watching colleagues advance to senior roles, making good money, and working on exciting tech products. A few friends are starting to retire. That would have been us, too. But now we’re in our 50s with no savings.
I’m a best-selling author, and my early books netted nearly $1 million from book sales. Today, I still hustle for editorial projects. He claims he couldn’t work all those years because he was too busy setting me up in my writing career. He has been helpful, no doubt about it. But I never asked him to forgo working for years. Now he’s deeply depressed. He keeps me up at night bemoaning how he’s a loser, and messed up his life, and I should leave him, or blaming me for it. I’m exhausted the next day but work on various projects—while he sleeps all day—and then the cycle starts again. I haven’t sold a book in years, and I know it’s partly due to the stress.
We have a second home that I inherited a few years ago. He’s pressing me to sell it so we have some cash. I really don’t want to sell it. I know we’ll blow through the cash in a couple of years, and then we’ll be in the exact same position. That house is the only asset that I have in my own name, and knowing that I have a potential place to land if we split up is all that’s keeping me sane.
He refuses to get counseling. He has started to reach out to places to apply for jobs in earnest, but at his age, with a résumé gap of 18 years, I’m worried it’s too late, especially for the kind of jobs he’s after in the tech industry. He would never consider getting a “normal” job, like working retail or as a bartender, as he’d be embarrassed if his colleagues ran into him someplace. I really feel that I need some therapy, but I know we can’t afford it. I’m now seriously considering abandoning my writing career.
I’ve been applying for jobs in part to get us health care, since we have to drop ours, as we can’t afford it. But since I also haven’t had a traditional job, it’s been a real challenge for me, too, and incredibly depressing. Friends tell me to leave, but I genuinely love my husband. He’s a smart guy who can do just about anything. He’d actually be great working for a company. But he doesn’t believe it. The negative voice in his head has become too strong and his ego is too fragile. What am I to do?
—Overdrawn
Since it took the two of you more than 20 years to get to this point, I don’t think you’re going to be able to figure out the way forward (and whether it’s possible to move forward together) in a single conversation. If he refuses to get counseling, go without him. If you can only afford one or two sessions, go once or twice. If he refuses to apply to realistic jobs, apply to some yourself, and let your writing serve as a part-time job. Instead of selling the house, why not rent it out? That way you’ll have at least some money coming in as you try to figure out your next move.
Set up an immediate state-of-the-financial-union meeting and commit to having regular conversations about your debts, your budgets, and what you can do in the short and long term to start making money again. I understand that you don’t want to leave your husband, and I think it’s worth at least trying to figure out if you two can make changes together. I also understand that habits of 20 years don’t disappear overnight, and you two have fallen into a long-running pattern of not talking about money that’s enabled you to avoid difficult feelings. Talking about money is going to feel painful and unnatural. The more often you do it, the easier it’s going to get—besides, you’d both have to go over your finances if you did get divorced, so it’s not exactly something you can avoid either way.
If, however, despite all your best attempts to talk about this, your husband refuses to participate, continues to blame you for his choices, and tries to get you to liquidate your house so he can avoid looking for work for another few years, then I think you will need to consider leaving him, not just to preserve your own financial independence, but to preserve your peace of mind.
My husband and I met working at a major tech company. He left with more than $2 million at age 36. On the outside, our life looks great. But he hasn’t worked since we got married nearly 20 years ago, and as a result, he’s blown through all our cash. I knew he was selling off stock but was unaware of the extent until a few years ago. I never expected he would not work again. Now he resents watching colleagues advance to senior roles, making good money, and working on exciting tech products. A few friends are starting to retire. That would have been us, too. But now we’re in our 50s with no savings.
I’m a best-selling author, and my early books netted nearly $1 million from book sales. Today, I still hustle for editorial projects. He claims he couldn’t work all those years because he was too busy setting me up in my writing career. He has been helpful, no doubt about it. But I never asked him to forgo working for years. Now he’s deeply depressed. He keeps me up at night bemoaning how he’s a loser, and messed up his life, and I should leave him, or blaming me for it. I’m exhausted the next day but work on various projects—while he sleeps all day—and then the cycle starts again. I haven’t sold a book in years, and I know it’s partly due to the stress.
We have a second home that I inherited a few years ago. He’s pressing me to sell it so we have some cash. I really don’t want to sell it. I know we’ll blow through the cash in a couple of years, and then we’ll be in the exact same position. That house is the only asset that I have in my own name, and knowing that I have a potential place to land if we split up is all that’s keeping me sane.
He refuses to get counseling. He has started to reach out to places to apply for jobs in earnest, but at his age, with a résumé gap of 18 years, I’m worried it’s too late, especially for the kind of jobs he’s after in the tech industry. He would never consider getting a “normal” job, like working retail or as a bartender, as he’d be embarrassed if his colleagues ran into him someplace. I really feel that I need some therapy, but I know we can’t afford it. I’m now seriously considering abandoning my writing career.
I’ve been applying for jobs in part to get us health care, since we have to drop ours, as we can’t afford it. But since I also haven’t had a traditional job, it’s been a real challenge for me, too, and incredibly depressing. Friends tell me to leave, but I genuinely love my husband. He’s a smart guy who can do just about anything. He’d actually be great working for a company. But he doesn’t believe it. The negative voice in his head has become too strong and his ego is too fragile. What am I to do?
—Overdrawn
Since it took the two of you more than 20 years to get to this point, I don’t think you’re going to be able to figure out the way forward (and whether it’s possible to move forward together) in a single conversation. If he refuses to get counseling, go without him. If you can only afford one or two sessions, go once or twice. If he refuses to apply to realistic jobs, apply to some yourself, and let your writing serve as a part-time job. Instead of selling the house, why not rent it out? That way you’ll have at least some money coming in as you try to figure out your next move.
Set up an immediate state-of-the-financial-union meeting and commit to having regular conversations about your debts, your budgets, and what you can do in the short and long term to start making money again. I understand that you don’t want to leave your husband, and I think it’s worth at least trying to figure out if you two can make changes together. I also understand that habits of 20 years don’t disappear overnight, and you two have fallen into a long-running pattern of not talking about money that’s enabled you to avoid difficult feelings. Talking about money is going to feel painful and unnatural. The more often you do it, the easier it’s going to get—besides, you’d both have to go over your finances if you did get divorced, so it’s not exactly something you can avoid either way.
If, however, despite all your best attempts to talk about this, your husband refuses to participate, continues to blame you for his choices, and tries to get you to liquidate your house so he can avoid looking for work for another few years, then I think you will need to consider leaving him, not just to preserve your own financial independence, but to preserve your peace of mind.
ceretaDear Amy: My wife and I have been married for 25 years. In most respects we continue to have a very solid relationship. We enjoy talking and doing things together, and we have a lot in common.
We have been semi-retired for 10 years. We spend a lot of time together.
If there is one challenge that never seems to resolve itself, however, it is my wife's claims that I have either not listened to her, or that I have misinterpreted something she says.
She stores away every instance of my "failures" in this area, so that each time I miss or forget something she has said, she becomes frustrated and upset.
These miscommunications usually involve minor issues relating to house maintenance, shopping and scheduling. This happens every few weeks.
In my view, considering how much time we spend together, these episodes are not serious enough to evoke her building frustration, which then spills over.
I have apologized often, but have also told her that I am human and am going to forget things on occasion or misinterpret what she says.
She invariably says that these situations are examples of a lack of respect for her.
I feel I am under a microscope and that she is growing intolerant to the point that it poses a threat to the marriage. She insists that there is no other underlying grievance involved.
I would like to try to improve things before recommending marriage counseling. Any advice?
-- Caring Husband
Dear Caring: Holding onto grievances is a terrible habit, in part because your wife's feelings and outbursts then become the focus of your communication. If she wants you to continue to work on controlling or changing your own habits, she should work on her own.
You two should have regular family meetings where you review household matters. Even though you see one another all the time, sitting down with intention will be good for your relationship.
Always close these meetings the way a good journalist closes an important interview: "Is there anything important we haven't discussed? Is there anything more you'd like to tell me?"
And before you two part, look her in the eyes and say, "Honey, I'm flawed. I make mistakes. But I appreciate you." Does she deserve this response? Maybe not. But do it anyway.
Leading with a loving reaction should disarm, charm, and inspire her to behave differently.
We have been semi-retired for 10 years. We spend a lot of time together.
If there is one challenge that never seems to resolve itself, however, it is my wife's claims that I have either not listened to her, or that I have misinterpreted something she says.
She stores away every instance of my "failures" in this area, so that each time I miss or forget something she has said, she becomes frustrated and upset.
These miscommunications usually involve minor issues relating to house maintenance, shopping and scheduling. This happens every few weeks.
In my view, considering how much time we spend together, these episodes are not serious enough to evoke her building frustration, which then spills over.
I have apologized often, but have also told her that I am human and am going to forget things on occasion or misinterpret what she says.
She invariably says that these situations are examples of a lack of respect for her.
I feel I am under a microscope and that she is growing intolerant to the point that it poses a threat to the marriage. She insists that there is no other underlying grievance involved.
I would like to try to improve things before recommending marriage counseling. Any advice?
-- Caring Husband
Dear Caring: Holding onto grievances is a terrible habit, in part because your wife's feelings and outbursts then become the focus of your communication. If she wants you to continue to work on controlling or changing your own habits, she should work on her own.
You two should have regular family meetings where you review household matters. Even though you see one another all the time, sitting down with intention will be good for your relationship.
Always close these meetings the way a good journalist closes an important interview: "Is there anything important we haven't discussed? Is there anything more you'd like to tell me?"
And before you two part, look her in the eyes and say, "Honey, I'm flawed. I make mistakes. But I appreciate you." Does she deserve this response? Maybe not. But do it anyway.
Leading with a loving reaction should disarm, charm, and inspire her to behave differently.
fairestcatQ. My husband’s fantasy life: I discovered this weekend that my husband belongs to a website for people whose spouses or partners cheated on them. He posts there frequently, and he’s talked about our children, our financial struggles, and my infidelity with my boss. The thing is: I’ve never cheated on my husband. It’d be one thing if he’d created a fictional persona for this website. It’d still be misleading and a cause for concern, but the things he writes about our marriage are lies. A few times he takes an argument we had in real life and filters it through the prism of a man whose wife cheated on him.
I’m so upset. I haven’t talked to him yet, and part of me wonders if there’s a reasonable explanation. Why would he invest time creating this false portrait of our marriage? He’s never expressed concerns about my boss to me, and I’m not even that close to the other man. I could use some perspective: How concerning is this discovery?
A: It’s very concerning! It may be common to, say, rehearse arguments in the shower, or to fantasize that we’re more aggrieved than we really are in the midst of a disagreement, or generally to indulge in the occasional Secret Life of Walter Mitty–style fantasy, but this goes way beyond passive imagining and well into questionable territory. He’s presenting a false version of you to strangers in order to feel victimized and heroic at the same time. That takes away time and energy he could have been putting into your actual marriage! Whatever justification your husband tries to offer you—my guess is that his first response will be something along the lines of “I don’t really know why I do this,” followed by “It’s just blowing off steam, I guess” or “It doesn’t mean anything”—know that you have every right to be hurt, that your trust and intimacy have been violated, that your husband needs to find a better strategy for coping with disappointment and insecurity, and that you don’t have to just “get over it.”
I’m so upset. I haven’t talked to him yet, and part of me wonders if there’s a reasonable explanation. Why would he invest time creating this false portrait of our marriage? He’s never expressed concerns about my boss to me, and I’m not even that close to the other man. I could use some perspective: How concerning is this discovery?
A: It’s very concerning! It may be common to, say, rehearse arguments in the shower, or to fantasize that we’re more aggrieved than we really are in the midst of a disagreement, or generally to indulge in the occasional Secret Life of Walter Mitty–style fantasy, but this goes way beyond passive imagining and well into questionable territory. He’s presenting a false version of you to strangers in order to feel victimized and heroic at the same time. That takes away time and energy he could have been putting into your actual marriage! Whatever justification your husband tries to offer you—my guess is that his first response will be something along the lines of “I don’t really know why I do this,” followed by “It’s just blowing off steam, I guess” or “It doesn’t mean anything”—know that you have every right to be hurt, that your trust and intimacy have been violated, that your husband needs to find a better strategy for coping with disappointment and insecurity, and that you don’t have to just “get over it.”
ceretaDear Annie: I was recently out of town for a long weekend with some girlfriends. When I returned home, I opened the refrigerator and commented to my husband of 30 years that based on the leftovers, he must have prepared a nice meal for himself. He responded that he had invited my best friend, who is single, over to have dinner and watch a football game. He had not mentioned this to me during our text correspondence over the weekend. They are also good friends. I would not have minded if they had gone to a public place for a meal or a game, but I feel that the intimacy of their having dinner in our home was inappropriate. My husband said it did not occur to him that anything was wrong with what he did. I know nothing intimate happened between them. My girlfriend and I have been best friends for 25 years. Am I being too sensitive? -- Surprised
Dear Surprised: Yes, you probably are being a little too sensitive about where your husband and best friend had dinner. But if your wish is that he have dinner at a restaurant and not your house, you should tell him. You were unable to tell him because the real issue is that you were gone for a girls weekend and only communicated with your husband via text. Marriage is about intimacy and communication. Had you or he picked up the phone, you probably would have been more reassured to hear his voice, and he most likely would have mentioned to you that your friend was coming over to the house. At that point, you could have said you really would prefer that they go to a restaurant. Relationships are all about verbal communication, and we invite trouble when we expect our partners to be mind readers.
Dear Surprised: Yes, you probably are being a little too sensitive about where your husband and best friend had dinner. But if your wish is that he have dinner at a restaurant and not your house, you should tell him. You were unable to tell him because the real issue is that you were gone for a girls weekend and only communicated with your husband via text. Marriage is about intimacy and communication. Had you or he picked up the phone, you probably would have been more reassured to hear his voice, and he most likely would have mentioned to you that your friend was coming over to the house. At that point, you could have said you really would prefer that they go to a restaurant. Relationships are all about verbal communication, and we invite trouble when we expect our partners to be mind readers.
