Dear Prudence: My Wife Got Thrown Off the HOA Board for Being Racist

[minoanmiss]

Dear Prudence,

My wife of 15 years has always been more right-leaning than me. But that has become much more pronounced since the 2016 election, and it just got worse during the pandemic. I now hide who I’m voting for and avoid certain topics to avoid setting her off. She wouldn’t have gotten vaccinated except that our daughter forbade her from seeing our newborn grandsons until she was vaccinated. On many embarrassing occasions she has refused or made a scene about putting on a mask.

Recently, things came to a head when her targeting of a mixed couple in our condo complex caused her to be publicly accused of racism and kicked off the HOA board. She left the virtual meeting in tears. She threw a tantrum about how unfairly she’d been treated. I pointed out that she had indeed been targeting them—digging up archaic rules to make them change their curtains or remove their barbecue, harassing them about having family stay over, attempting to write a rule against signs in windows (they have a Black Lives Matter sign). She lashed out at me for failing to support her as a husband should. I said her behavior was mean-spirited and yes, could be seen as racist. She stayed at her sister’s for a weekend. She returned, but we haven’t talked about it.

I miss not walking on eggshells around her. Our daughter has gotten wind of this and suggested counseling, but I don’t know if my wife would listen. I can’t get through to her. I barely recognize the woman I married. But at the same time, I can’t imagine trying to start over at 57. What should I do?

— Feeling Blue

Dear Feeling Blue,

I know the feeling of not wanting to start over is very real, but I want to try to talk you out of it. So many people find love and companionship at your age. Also, being alone and living a peaceful life without the kind of conflict you’re dealing with might not be that bad! If your wife will agree to it, why don’t you try a separation for a period of time longer than a weekend (I’m thinking 6 months) to see how it might feel?

I understand that none of this is easy, as you love your wife and are deeply attached to her. And maybe, since you always knew she was to the right of you, her actual views aren’t as bothersome to you as her unhinged behavior, which she might be able to temper if she understands the seriousness of the situation. But I just don’t know that there’s a way to change a person’s deeply held values and personality—even with counseling. If you decide to stay, you should try, out of respect for yourself, to resist walking on eggshells around her. Don’t hide the way you feel. But also give up on changing her mind. That won’t happen. This is the wife you’re stuck with if you choose a miserable marriage over the unknown and all the possibilities for a better life.