How To Do It: I Catfished My Husband

[minoanmiss]

[but not without reason]

I’ve been with my husband 14 years, married 11 of those. Before we married, I discovered he had female friends and exes that he kept secret from me. He “didn’t know how to openly talk with me,” he said, but he could with these other women. Yes, all these were people he was attracted to, but swore it was platonic. I forgave him and we moved forward.

Over the 11 years, I have again discovered “platonic” female friends that he has found on Craigslist, Zoosk, Fetoo and other dating sites. One woman was a bike-riding friend (at my urging, he began long daily bike rides), and I later learned he told her he was single. She believed they were in a relationship and knew nothing about me. When confronted, his response was that I “was too busy dealing with my child’s mental health crisis to pay attention,” so he went elsewhere for companionship, but nothing was ever going to happen. More recently, I discovered other women who he told he was a widower, called and texted daily, and pushed for hookups within a week of meeting them. Luckily none of them have met up that I can tell.

ADVERTISEMENT

So, I catfished him. I created a fake account on one of those sites, and immediately he was sending messages. At first it was basic chit chat that quickly moved to him sending pics, wanting to meet up, etc. He said his wife died a few years ago and he was looking to move on!

I was devastated. He has no clue it was me. He tried many times to arrange a meeting but I always canceled, and those were the times he made up stories at home about having to work, then suddenly the job for the time was canceled. I noticed a pattern that when he was sending sexually explicit messages with details of sex positions, and then those nights we would have sex with me in that manner!

I don’t understand why he feels the need to go elsewhere for companionship and friendship or go on those dating sites. We’ve tried couple’s counseling in the past and that helped for awhile. He’s even went to some local sex addict group meetings, but stopped because he said those stories he heard are way beyond his issue. I don’t know where to go from here. How can I save my marriage? Am I overreacting? Are these just normal tendencies for men?

—Frustrated Wife

Seems like the only thing left to do is shout at him, “All yours, Babooshka, Babooshka, Babooshka ya ya!” OK, maybe not those words exactly (in case you didn’t catch the reference, your scheme reminds me of a Kate Bush song), but you caught him again and if you haven’t revealed it, you should. It might help the truth sink in.

You are not overreacting. I think your husband has betrayed you repeatedly, systematically even, and that is unacceptable. I think he is exploiting your forgiveness and understanding by continuing his deception. I don’t trust him regarding how his situation compares to the stories he heard in the sex addict group, because I don’t trust him at all! The true measure of severity in compulsion isn’t quantitative, nor is it based on individual acts of transgression—there is no unilateral standard there. It’s whether the behavior disrupts one’s own life. The person your husband is sharing his life with is disrupted, therefore his behavior is disruptive. It’s a huge problem.

Your husband may feel that he is innately nonmonogamous. He may believe that he will not be satisfied unless he experiences other people sexually. In that event, it is up to you to decide whether you’re comfortable with him pursuing that and what limitations and boundaries you’d need for peace of mind if you are to consent to such an arrangement. What he does not need to do is lie, and if he feels that way, he has more issues than he’s letting on. Ethical nonmonogamy is a possible; ethical lying is not.

What I find most depressing about your letter is that you’re asking how to save your marriage when it is he who should be scrambling to do so. You’ve been burdened enough, to the point where I have to wonder why you want to save it at all. You’ve had success with counseling before, so you could try that again. But it sounds to me like you could do better, and I am absolutely certain that you deserve that. Yeah, you could pursue saving your marriage, but it might be more beneficial instead to reclaim your life.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

This plot was better as an opera.

Can someone call Whole Man Disposal Services? I'm not a fan of LW's catfishing either, but I think (without denying her responsibility) that it demonstrates that this marriage is not helping her be her best self.

Also, one big difference between polyamory and cheating, which the columnist did not address, is how many cheaters get off on their dishonesty. I think Mr. "my wife died/left me/is on the Moon" not only likes having multiple women in his life but enjoys lying to all of them.

[adrian_turtle]

This plot was better as an opera.

It was better as a pop song, too. But in the Pina Colada song, the fantasy was about being able to ignore responsibilities and live in the moment. (Drink all you want, not eat health food, not come in out of the rain.) It wasn't about having your spouse DEAD.

You and the columnist are also right about the lying being important. It can be hard to untangle "I really want to do X, and somebody will stop me if they know I'm doing it, so I guess I have to lie," and "I really like lying because it proves I'm smarter than those fools who believe me."

[julian]

Oh, my yuck.

Look, lady, polyamory can be a thing, but you seem to want monogamy, and he... Doesn't.

If you want to set a groundrule and see if he can stick to it, which I doubt, ok. If you want to look into polyamory and continue the marriage, also ok. But don't let his lack of ethics (and/or addictive behavior) drag you down with him.

[adrian_turtle]

I don't think this guy would appreciate the kind of polyamory where a person is honest with all their partners. (He didn't write to the columnist, but I still imagine him saying, "what fun is that?") I remember the deeply problematic relationship a friend of mine was involved in, back in the 20th century...she insisted it was ethical because her boyfriend was telling HER about his other lovers. He told the other lovers he was single (as he had been in 1993), not mentioning that he was coming home to a young lady in 1995.

[jadelennox]

yeah, same, he doesn't seem interested in honesty.

[azurelunatic]

I would not polyam anywhere near this guy.

[melannen]

LW. If he "didn't know how to talk openly to you" but could with all these other people, why the hell did you two marry each other in the first place??

"Dick is abundant and low value"

[movingfinger]

She can keep him on the hook a little bit longer until she sets up a meetup and use that to have him served divorce papers while the movers get her out of their house. But she won't.

[azurelunatic]

This is literally what private detectives are for, but I can understand saving the money, I suppose. But you might have wanted the detective's report in filing for divorce.

[cereta]

I feel like this is a lot of words to say, "Dump this fool and move on."

[mommy]

So he lies to his wife about having women on the side, and he lies to those women about being married. On top of that, LW tried the counseling route previously. At this point, a decent divorce lawyer for LW and STI testing for everyone seem like the best options. This marriage is done.

I've been blindsided by the discovery that I was the "other woman" before, and I don't recommend the experience to anyone. I'm glad that LW doesn't seem to be blaming these women for the husband's horrible behavior.

[ioplokon]

Who could imagine the guy who is only friends with women he wants to fuck is a huge jerk? The rest is bad too, but this is such a huge red flag for me - though sadly very common.

[likeaduck]

He “didn’t know how to openly talk with me,” he said, but he could with these other women.

Cool, so, in the 11+ years since then, what has he done to learn how to talk openly with you? Cause from here it looks like less than nothing.

[conuly]

What an absolute flaming asshole.

[jadelennox]

I'm kinda surprised nobody's mentioned

When confronted, his response was that I “was too busy dealing with my child’s mental health crisis to pay attention,” so he went elsewhere for companionship

Maybe the child is not also the husband's child, but even so, fuck that guy. Just into the sun, man. (If it's his child as well, then there are not even words for this bullshit.)

If you need outside companionship while your life partner is dealing with their child's crisis, there are countless options: internet fora, pastoral care, bridge club, cycling friends of any gender, book club, the discord for the bridge club, therapy... (I'd argue that you can't ethically start a conversation about ethical non-monogamy under the stated circumstances, but once you can have that conversation, non-monogamy is also an option.) What you can't do, while your partner is in crisis, is seek out women and lie to them that you have no partner.

(Also, he's being a dick to all the other women. Either he has no intention of meeting them and he's lying to them, or he does intend to meet them under false pretenses.)

Seriously. Into the damn sun.

[minoanmiss]

OMG I mananged to miss that. I already hated this guy but now omg. I don't want him to be poly. I don't want him in our community.

[laurajv]

there have definitely been times during our kids' mental health crises when my spouse and i needed to talk to people Not Each Other because we just did not have the emotional energy to support each other AND the kid(s).

which we did! we talked to our friends! some of our friends are Genders We Like To Fuck, and it was fine, because no one was trying to fuck anyone/lying to anyone/violating relationship terms!

I'm so mad at LW's husband here. Just steamed the heck up! FIRE THIS MAN INTO THE SUN.

[vindoletta]

Oof. Nope. If he wants to sleep around and have tons of one-night stands, he can do it as a recently divorced guy. Won't need to come up with lies anymore either.