Ask a Manager: My coworker is telling people my husband has a criminal record

[minoanmiss]

[#2 at the link]

About a year ago, my then-boyfriend came to visit me at work. A new colleague, whom I didn’t know or work with, told several colleagues that he has a criminal record, which she knew because her sister dated him years ago. Her stated reason for telling colleagues: she was worried that he was there for a job interview and she thought the company should know.

I approached my HR manager about the issue — that a colleague had brought in personal, sensitive information and spread it around my workplace. He recommended that I speak with her directly, which I did. I politely and firmly explained that this is not information that is hers to share. He made a mistake in his youth (a minor, non-violent offense, for which he paid very heavily and for which he continues to pay a heavy price). She apologized, the damage had been done, but we moved on and several months ago, I married him.

This week, I learned that this same person approached a family member of mine (the two of them are members of the same religious community), months after the wedding, to tell her about my husband. I have a small family, and they are very important to me. I was livid. What if my family decided to turn their backs on us? This person doesn’t know me or my husband, she doesn’t know what happened with my husband’s transgression, we’ve never done anything to her, and even her sister moved on years ago.

I have no power over this person. Do I have a justification for filing an official complaint with HR? Harassment?
Hostile environment? Anything?

Probably not, I’m sorry. Hostile work environment, in the legal sense, needs to be based on race, sex, religion, disability, or other protected characteristics. It doesn’t rise to the legal level of harassment (which requires that the conduct be severe or pervasive, and also based on protected characteristics like the ones I just named). It’s possible your company has internal policies against gossip or would consider this otherwise problematic, and you could try explaining that your coworker is spreading gossip about you outside of work. But this is someone who shared info that’s factually true with someone she knows in her personal life. It’s not likely to look like a sustained campaign of harassment (even in the non-legal sense). And I suspect that the more you fight it, the bigger deal it’s going to make of something that you’re trying to keep a smaller deal.

Can you instead work on making peace with it? Your husband got in trouble for a minor, non-violent offense in his youth, as have millions of other people. That’s a fact of his life that’s not going away. It’s part of him, part of his history, and part of why he is who he is today. The more you can make peace with it and not see it as a dirty secret to hide, the easier this will probably get.

Comments

[jadelennox]

It's always interesting how appropriately different Alison's advice needs to be. If LW had written to a different columnist, and Gossipmonger Colleague were instead someone in their choir or D&D circle, then the advice would be sorely lacking. And if they'd written to another columnist, but still about a colleague, there might be some advice in there about managing the social fallout, or the ongoing need to have a relationship with GC. But this is advice about how you can professionally handle a difficult situation, and Alison is right that "look, it happened, it's a fact, can you live with it" is the professional answer. And she's not wrong that saying anything else at work risks making it worse.

That being said, I wish she'd given LW scripts for what to say to any other colleagues who bring it up in the office. Ideally, it would be nice to have a script to use with GC as well, because "for which he paid very heavily and for which he continues to pay a heavy price" makes me wonder if the transgression is the kind that prevents voting, or (depending on LW's location and if they have ban-the-box laws) decent jobs in his career of choice. Not to mention social exclusion. It would be nice if there were a script where LW could meet with GC and say something that included "and please, he's paid his debt to society, please stop saying things that could get him shunned from the chess club." But I dunno, that could possibly backfire so very badly...

[heavenscalyx]

I also wonder how much of this is racism -- we don't know the race of LW or their husband, but the line that implies an excessively heavy penalty for a minor crime makes me wonder. Or classism or any of a bunch of other isms.

And yeah, other columnists would have addressed the need to deal with someone who apparently has decided to be hostile to the LW...

(tw: racism)

[melissatreglia]

I'm sorry, but the advice here (or lack thereof) does NOT fly with me.

Speaking as the spouse of someone who (as a minor) committed a felony and who is paying for it every day still, I really feel for the LW here.

And spilling the beans regarding LW-spouse's record? Yeah, while legally that's not harassment, it DOES create a hostile environment. The answer to this one effectively places the blame LW and spouse, complete with a "get over it" attitude. It's NOT something to get over, as it still affects his life and job search.

The fact that LW says their spouse is STILL suffering as a result? That potentially says that there's an element of racism in this one. It's pretty amazing that the answerer didn't add anything in that regard, as non-white minors are often treated more harshly in legal areas than their white friends. Young black and brown folk are treated like the worst criminals (even if it's a first-time offense), where white kids are often handled more gently regardless of the severity of their offense. The offenses are also much more likely to carry over to the non-white minor's adult record, where as the white youngster's record is more likely to be sealed.

'Course, if it were me, I would've told the person dredging up this shit to fuck off and mind their own business because they don't know a goddamn thing about me or my husband. But that's why I'm not an advice columnist.

Re: (tw: racism)

[cereta]

Sadly, there are things that can create a hostile work environment that aren't legally actionable. There was a moment in my job where I seriously considered making a complaint, but even though there was a large element of it surrounding my pregnancy, it really just came down to, "this person is being a back-stabbing asshole," which wasn't something that could really be fixed by anyone but me (by just never trusting her ever again). My chair certainly backed me every time something that went against policy happened, but he couldn't really tell her, "stop telling her everything is fine and then bad-mouthing her to other people."

Now, I do think management here should have stepped up the first time, as a matter of appropriate workplace behavior, but "hostile work environment" as an actionable issue has some pretty specific legal limitations.