How To Do It: Scheduling Sex Around Kids

[minoanmiss]

Dear How to Do It,

I’m a woman in my mid-30s. My husband and I have been married for 10 years. I’ve always been an early bird, so we’ve typically had sex late in the afternoon or early in the evening. My husband is a night owl, but he’s happy to do it pretty much whenever I’m horny. Now I’m a stay-at-home mom to our three kids, a 6-year-old and 2-year-old twins. By the time we get our oldest to bed, it’s after 8:30, and I’m absolutely exhausted. Sometimes I’ll spend all day fantasizing about what we’re going to do together when the kids are in bed, but by the time we get there, I have no desire anymore. I used to be able to get in the mood even if we didn’t have a chance to do it until 10:00 or 11:00, but now I’m just so tired.

On the rare occasion that a family member takes all of the kids out of the house for us, I’m ready to tear my husband’s clothes off the minute they leave. But we hardly ever have that kind of free time. In a year or two, we’ll be able to leave them unattended in front of the TV and sneak away for a quickie, but the twins are still too young for that. First thing in the morning isn’t really an option either, since our kids are up at the crack of dawn and my husband is useless before coffee. Is there anything we can do now, or do I just need to wait until the kids are a little older?

— Afternoon Delight

Dear Afternoon Delight,

If your financial situation allows, consider regular (weekly/monthly) “dates” in which you and your husband can smash (say, at a hotel). Get a babysitter, leave the house, and have that be your outlet as you wait out your kids’ maturation. Try scheduling nap times for your kids that could provide a window of alone time, or even experiment with pushing up their bedtimes so that you’re not ready to collapse by the time they’re in bed. I know exhaustion is real, and it can be absolutely detrimental to your functioning, but try waking up super early one day, before even your early-rising kids are up. If this works, try to make it a regular routine.

The good news is, there is an end in sight. You know that one day soon, your kids will be mature enough so that they can be left alone for a window long enough for sex. In some ways, even, your case is enviable. We hear from so many people who have plenty of opportunity to have sex with a partner, but no seeming desire to do so. If I had to pick one, a temporary lull brought on by circumstance is highly preferable. I know this is cold comfort, but know that you can and will get your sex life back. Conjuring patience until then might be your biggest task.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

I think this is the first letter of this type I can recall where the LW acknowledges that this may be a temporary situation because the children will get older. (I amended 'is' to 'may be' because, well, life is complicated) So often I see letters where the LW seems to assume that if the primary caretaker of two toddlers and a baby is currently too tired for sex that the situation cannot possibly ever change in the future. I'm glad the LW has more foresight than that. I hope she can get some babysitters for some dates with her husband.

[likeaduck]

Yeah, in general I think I'm with both the original answer and your reaction that this is a lovely problem in that there is hope for it being temporary and there are solutions at hand. AND the LW's desire for daytime sex & openness to quickies honestly makes everything easier? There are so many options!

Like, what's your partnership-division of childcare like? Is it possible for you to opt out of dinner and bedtime routines sometimes so when the kids are in bed at 8:30 you've got some energy to play? (presumably night-owl husband is less tired after 8:30 and bedtime routines?) If babysitter + hotel is out of reach financially, what about a babysitter who takes the kids for pizza from 5-6:30 PM once or twice a month? (Two-year old twins is maybe a tall order for this, but who knows!) What about a relative who does that? A teen babysitter who takes the kids to the park for two hours on the weekend? A parent friend who'll swap some playdates with their kids? Day camp-style kids' group activities? Like honestly getting rid of three kids for two hours in the afternoon seems so much easier than doing it for an entire night.

[gingicat]

This is basically how my sex drive was destroyed and how I nearly lost my husband with it. (Thankfully he loves me and we have an excellent therapist specializing in neurodiverse relationships.) There was also the element of "not MORE laundry"!

[cereta]

Funny story: When she was...nine, maybe? The then-small fanperson told me at if her father and I wanted to do "That," just say so, and she'd stay downstairs. I've never seen my husband turn quite that shade of green.

[minoanmiss]

How considerate!

(ahahhahahahahahhaahahhhahahhhahahhahhahahahahhahahaomg BWEE)

[likeaduck]

So thoughtful! So willing to talk about things! A+ child.

[tielan]

*gurgles delightedly*