Dear Prudence: My Husband Is Having a Midlife Crisis and Wants to Open a Restaurant.

[minoanmiss]

Q. Ill-timed dreams: My husband got laid off during the pandemic (he worked in the travel industry) and went into a full-bore, midlife crisis tailspin. We’re in our mid-30s and I guess he came to the conclusion that he hated many aspects of his life. His response has been to make noise about starting a restaurant. He seems genuinely excited about the idea of building a community space, hosting group events, and helping people connect over food. I love that he’s so excited and passionate about this—honestly, more animated than I’ve seen him in years.

But Prudie, I think this is an awful idea. Three restaurants just closed within 10 minutes of us due to the pandemic. My husband has literally no experience in food service or management, let alone starting up a new venture. He has never taken a business course and couldn’t even tell you what a profit margin is. We have a 2-year-old; though we’re OK income-wise because my job is stable and pays well, we cannot afford to fund his pipe dream. I’ve tried gently injecting some reality into the conversation, but my husband just spouts platitudes from Instagram influencers he follows (“If you aren’t sacrificing for your dreams, they will only remain dreams”) and says I’m being unsupportive of his goals.

I’m getting more and more frustrated trying to dialogue with a man treating me like the roadblock to him achieving self-actualization, rather than a rational partner trying to ensure our family is financially stable in the midst of economic turmoil. We are deeply in love but I feel like I no longer recognize my husband. What in the world should I do?

Q: Remain unsupportive of his goals—or at least of this goal, as long as his goal is “open a restaurant” (which has an incredibly high rate of failure even under non-pandemic conditions) without experience or even a sense of what a “profit margin” is (!), and whose only response to legitimate, practical concerns is to parrot nonsensical platitudes he saw on Instagram. Stop being “gentle” when you inject reality in these conversations. Gentleness is not required here, especially when your partner has clearly lost sight of his responsibilities to your toddler in his fantasy of “helping people connect over food.” Inject reality loudly, firmly, and often.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

I really don't like this advice. Not because the LW isn't 100% correct -- restaraunts are risky at the best of times and now is not the best of times, and they are about business more than about food -- but because I think husband's response will be to 1) get his back up 2) feel generally unloved 3) take their shared money and proceed anyway.

But I feel bad because I don't know what advice would work. HAving Husband write out a plan and see how many holes he can't fill? Arranging for him to talk to a couple of restaraunteurs who can give him a reality check? IDK.

[rmc28]

I might try "I'm so pleased to see you excited about this project, but it's also really important to me that we can be sure to always pay the rent/mortgage and keep a roof over Toddler's head. So can you take me through your plans and show me how we're going to be able to do that?"

and maybe a bit of "when people talk about sacrificing for their dreams, I think they mean working long hours, giving up luxuries etc, not risking the family home"

[lemonsharks]

I'd advise her to shift any joint finances to her-only finances, give him a hard no, and prepare to be flounce-divorced.

Maybe he'd listen to j kenji lopez-alt on why starting a restaurant is a terrible idea: https://freakonomics.com/podcast/kenji-update/

[tielan]

Reading this letter, that was my first response: GET THE FINANCES! NOW! GET THEM NOW!

Look, I have issues related to my father's factory burning down, then him having a midlife crisis at 38, getting the family company into massive debt on various schemes, then having an affair and a son and separating from my mother - admittedly leaving her the house, but also leaving her the massive debt.

But, honey, GET THE FINANCES INTO YOUR NAME, INCLUDING THE FAMILY HOME. I'M NOT KIDDING ABOUT THIS.

And then she needs someone to take him through the pragmatics of opening a restaurant and making it work. Influencers are people who are paid to promote possibility, not reality.

[lemonsharks]

Yep. Husband isn't thinking straight and may not be trustworthy at the moment. He needs to get counselling ASAP to deal with his underlying issues before he does something stupid.

And if he still wants to start a restaurant after that, good way for Husband to get a feel for the restaurant industry is to get a job washing dishes and take courses in *gestures at the thread* at community college.

The more white collar a job he held before, the more important it is for him to start at the bottom if he ever wants his employees to respect him and/or take him seriously.

[cereta]

I wonder if something like a contract could be made wherein he agrees to take certain classes at a nearby community college: hospitality/cooking courses mixed with accounting and business class. It would, at least, funnel that desire and move it forward to (we hope) a less fraught future.

[oursin]

Unfortunately I read

He seems genuinely excited about the idea of building a community space, hosting group events, and helping people connect over food

and wonder if that could ever actually boil down to doing the slog of prep work of doing the necessary courses to make that anything like practicality?

I seem to have read rather too many of these 'my husband/boyfriend has A DREAM: no, he hasn't been doing anything that might have brought it anywhere within the same postcode as reality, but wants to PURSUE it NOW'.

[cereta]

I think that's likely true, which is why I hope 8-18 weeks of actually seeing how much there is involved and even having to do some of it might help. But community colleges are my answer to many of life's woes.

[likeaduck]

I like it! Doing the courses could feel like doing a concrete thing towards the dream and take the edge off the impatience to get started, while building some foundation for it being more practical.

[zooey_glass]

Arrrgh! This reminds me of the Toronto Life restaurant guy story. Spolier: it doesn't end well. And he wasn't even doing it in the middle of a pandemic!

[minoanmiss]

Dear God that was a disaster story. WOW. His wife is a saint.

[ambyr]

I remember that article. I thought of it too.

I wonder what would happen if LW showed it to her husband?

[heavenscalyx]

Dude needs to take courses on the hospitality industry and how to run a business. Then needs to talk to experienced/successful restauranteurs. Then to create a business plan. He's in that manic "OMG CHANGE MY LIFE NOW" moment that I've experienced and also seen in other (privileged and possibly entitled) people who lose their jobs. It's not a midlife crisis. It's an existential crisis.

Meanwhile, he needs to take a job to pay the bills and pay for school. Fuck his dreams until he comes up with a way to keep the family afloat while he does it.

[resonant]

Take his dreams seriously enough to arrange a meeting with a financial planner who specializes in people starting their own businesses. (Whoever handles small business loans at their bank/credit union could either do this or recommend someone.)

My experiences with marriage and childrearing are that sometimes there are things that a person simply will not hear from a spouse or a parent. Sometimes you gotta outsource the reality check.

[lilysea]

I think she should talk to their bank(s) ASAP and ensure that he can't withdraw more than $XXX from their savings without her sign off.

And/or make sure some of their savings accounts are in her name only.

[minoanmiss]

Word.

[lemonsharks]

I'd drop that amount to 0. Or drop all but a couple of months rent of the savings into something hard to access, like a CD.

[ekaterinn]

Seriously! That was my first thought.

[ioplokon]

Yeah it's kind of that thing of when someone has a kinda bad idea, you can talk them out of it because they don't lose face by going, "oh yeah, this isn't a great plan" -- but when they have a terrible idea, it's hard to bring them around because all the arguments against it are so obvious that like, how do you raise them without the other person feeling bad?

I think there are ways he could be involved in the community and in creating a community space that are not opening a restaurant (also like, that's.... not really what a restaurant is???) -- why not get involved in a local community center or some kind of foodbank thing? Or if it's gotta be the restaurant industry, I suppose they can start looking around to see if they know anyone with restaurant experience who is looking for a financial partner (though if the husband is so naive, it will be hard not to get scammed here)

[colorwheel]

also like, that's.... not really what a restaurant is???

thank you! i was like...wait, what?

[ioplokon]

Yeah it's like, clear there's a mismatch between what he thinks he wants to be doing and what he actually wants (eg: does he actually want to be more involved in his community or does he want to be like the big boss/cash man or what is going on?)

[colorwheel]

yeah, he's definitely mixing up various concepts!

[xenacryst]

Let's back up here. The problem isn't the restaurant (which is a terrible, terrible, terrible idea given everything else in the letter and the world at large right now). The problem is "dude got laid off and is having a midlife crisis." The answer isn't going to be having him rationally take business courses or learn how to cook, because the problem isn't rational to begin with - he needs to see someone who can help him see that he's gone into an emotional whirlwind, lost what he thought was his bedrock, and that he's grasping at willow branches in a torrent. If he doesn't get that straightened out, he'll eventually crash and burn on some aspect of this food business and then decide that he needs to become a pastor or experimental aircraft inventor or start a legal marijuana grow operation because those will solve all his problems - problems that he's afraid to actually name and face at the moment.

[rosefox]

Yeah, the reason I don't like this advice is that it's so unsympathetic to the feelings that are underlying his very bad idea. He probably knows it's a bad idea, so what's making him so miserable and desperate that he's willing to lunge after it?

[beable]

I get this but at the same time while I acknowledge that this is a perfect example of how The Patriarchy Hurts Men Too, this type of crisis is riskier to those caught up in the collateral damage (LW and their toddler) if LW doesn't take steps to protect their assets.

I feel like "I have a midlife existential crisis and must follow my dreaamssssss" is a very white male narrative that nobody else gets afforded and while I am sympathetic to the damage the dreamer may cause themselves I am far more concerned to the damage they can cause to the people in their lives through crashed finances - especially as I believe the group of men who would be likely to be all "I want to start a restaurant" without any of the learning or work involved overlap heavily with those who will bail on the spouse and kids as soon as life seems slightly hard (e.g. after they have bankrupted said spouse and kids)

[xenacryst]

Oh, heck yeah. I'm not saying that LW shouldn't take steps to protect herself financially, I'm saying that "enroll in a course on business planning and/or the hospitality business" isn't going to do either LW or the husband a damned bit of good, because that's not addressing the husband's core issues. LW's core issue, on the other hand, is that she's married to someone who can't currently see reality and taking steps to protect herself from that is perfectly fine (and also, if she's able, knocking those rose colored glasses off his face).

[beable]

And sadly (where I Blame the Patriarchy), the part where LW's husband should probably talk to some sort of trained counsellor (therapist if they can afford it) about the underlying core issues seems unlikely to happen. I kinda wish Prudie had suggested it.

[xenacryst]

Exactly - that's what my gripe was with the response. I mean, Prudie's advice was "stop being gentle" and "inject reality." How? From whom will he hear it? What to do when he gets defensive? What to do when he gets depressed about his situation? All unanswered questions.