Dear Prudence: My Wife Got Thrown Off the HOA Board for Being Racist

[minoanmiss]

Dear Prudence,

My wife of 15 years has always been more right-leaning than me. But that has become much more pronounced since the 2016 election, and it just got worse during the pandemic. I now hide who I’m voting for and avoid certain topics to avoid setting her off. She wouldn’t have gotten vaccinated except that our daughter forbade her from seeing our newborn grandsons until she was vaccinated. On many embarrassing occasions she has refused or made a scene about putting on a mask.

Recently, things came to a head when her targeting of a mixed couple in our condo complex caused her to be publicly accused of racism and kicked off the HOA board. She left the virtual meeting in tears. She threw a tantrum about how unfairly she’d been treated. I pointed out that she had indeed been targeting them—digging up archaic rules to make them change their curtains or remove their barbecue, harassing them about having family stay over, attempting to write a rule against signs in windows (they have a Black Lives Matter sign). She lashed out at me for failing to support her as a husband should. I said her behavior was mean-spirited and yes, could be seen as racist. She stayed at her sister’s for a weekend. She returned, but we haven’t talked about it.

I miss not walking on eggshells around her. Our daughter has gotten wind of this and suggested counseling, but I don’t know if my wife would listen. I can’t get through to her. I barely recognize the woman I married. But at the same time, I can’t imagine trying to start over at 57. What should I do?

— Feeling Blue

Dear Feeling Blue,

I know the feeling of not wanting to start over is very real, but I want to try to talk you out of it. So many people find love and companionship at your age. Also, being alone and living a peaceful life without the kind of conflict you’re dealing with might not be that bad! If your wife will agree to it, why don’t you try a separation for a period of time longer than a weekend (I’m thinking 6 months) to see how it might feel?

I understand that none of this is easy, as you love your wife and are deeply attached to her. And maybe, since you always knew she was to the right of you, her actual views aren’t as bothersome to you as her unhinged behavior, which she might be able to temper if she understands the seriousness of the situation. But I just don’t know that there’s a way to change a person’s deeply held values and personality—even with counseling. If you decide to stay, you should try, out of respect for yourself, to resist walking on eggshells around her. Don’t hide the way you feel. But also give up on changing her mind. That won’t happen. This is the wife you’re stuck with if you choose a miserable marriage over the unknown and all the possibilities for a better life.

Comments

[bikergeek]

Dear LW,

Your wife is a racist piece of shit. DTMFA.

[blueinkedfrost]

+1

[lemonsharks]

+222,222,222,222

[jadelennox]

This is actually pretty good advice for a deeply sad situation. Yes, LW's "mean-spirited and yes, could be seen as racist" is insufficient and mealymouthed, but they're trying. 15 years is a long time and coming to terms with your spouse's racism must be shocking.

(I wonder who brought the daughter into the marriage, if there's a grandchild and they've been married for 15 years? I wonder this only because if it's LW, it seems like the unfixable schism between the wife and the daughter is inevitable and soon.)

[laurajv]

it's entirely possible the daughter is both of theirs, but that they married after the daughter was born. (I have friends who got married a few years ago. I was all "...I thought you WERE married?" Their son was 11 at the time of their marriage and they'd been together about 20 years.)

[conuly]

It's entirely possible LW's wife would benefit from counseling, but listen, her need for counseling did not make her a bigot, nor did it make her harass other people.

[cereta]

There's always a part of me that's pleased when an advice columnist actually says, "Nope, divorce is your best option, here." I keep thinking about a point that comes up several times in Grace and Frankie: if the time you have left is limited, how do you want to spend it? And look, 57 is not ancient. Does LW really want to spend three more decades with this woman? Because while there are certainly exceptions (like my grandmother), racists don't usually mellow with age. Actually, very few people really mellow with age.

[dabbleswithpoisons]

I have...let's say limited, but non-zero sympathy for people who are like "I've been married for 15 years, and during that time I have learned and grown and become less bigoted, and my partner has...done the opposite of that, this is hard and painful and I'm not sure what to do." But man, if your wife's behaviour was blatantly and virulently racist enough to get her kicked off an HOA, which as I understand it pretty much exists to be racist, it's time to leave.

[azurelunatic]

Dear LW,

As an exercise for yourself, please write down the various right-leaning, racist, anti-vaccine, and other "eggshells" behaviors your wife has been exhibiting. Think of specific times. Think of the things you would rather have been doing instead of attempting to manage her emotions.

It is sometimes difficult to find a therapist who treats seriously the idea of a woman being the domestic abuser of a man, but I encourage you to look for someone who is open to that idea. A therapist who often works with LGBTQ+ patients may be able to refer you usefully. With the therapist, you can work through how your wife is behaving and how you deserve to have a life that is free from her emotional outbursts and racist behavior.

[lilysea]

Also, LW, in addition to the racism (which would be more than enough reason to leave on its own)

On many embarrassing occasions she has refused or made a scene about putting on a mask

is ableism. She would rather risk giving someone a disease that could kill them or give them a lifelong disability than wear a mask.

This suggests a deep level of selfishness and lack of empathy towards all humans,

and also suggests that she will not be kind to you if you become sick/disabled as you age.

[ayebydan]

Sounds like the wife is whole round trash and LW needs to get the heck outta there.