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Husband’s road rage driving you to divorce?
DEAR NATALIE: My husband seems to think it is OK to run red lights. There have been five instances in the last week where he gunned it through red lights as they changed from yellow. He goes through periods like this where his driving is very aggressive. He coaches a girls' sport in the summer and his driving after games is terrible. If there is a loss, he takes it out in his driving and on other drivers. When I protest, he tells me to shut up. I am at the end of my rope and don’t even want to go anywhere with him. I can say something, but it is going to make it worse. I just want some pointers so I don't end up divorced over this. -- PASSIVE PASSENGER
DEAR PASSIVE PASSENGER: This doesn’t sound like a driving problem, this sounds like a anger management issue that he is channeling through his driving. Look, we all have our moments. We yell at a driver in front of us when we are really frustrated about work. We gun through a light because we are running late and feeling entitled. We take our aggression, anxiety and frustration out on the road and the people on it because it is safe. Everyone is in their cars. We can yell and never see someone again. We feel empowered in our anger in these moments. And where does it get us? Heart rate goes up, feelings intensify, and we rarely get where we are going any faster.
I would have this conversation with your husband again but not in the car. Do not do this when you are both in the vehicle and he is more likely to verbally accost you. Being told to shut up is disrespectful and unnecessary. I would wait until he is in a calmer head space and bring this up, focusing on how his yelling made you feel.
You could say something like this: “I want to talk about how your driving is impacting me and everyone around us. Telling me to ‘shut up’ the other day was hurtful and has been weighing on me. I love you, and I’m worried that you are angry about something other than driving. Can we talk about what is really bothering you?”
If he refuses to discuss it, tell him you aren’t going to be in the car while he’s driving until he opens up, and he isn’t going to be driving with your kids, either. It sounds harsh, but he is putting other people in danger, not just himself. Stick to your principles and wait. He may come around. If he does decide to tell you what is going on, just listen. Do not interject. Allow him to express himself, then work towards a solution together. You are on the same team, not adversaries and he needs to know that when he is hurting, you both are.
https://www.uexpress.com/ask-natalie/2020/3/4/happily-married-but-have-feelings-for
DEAR PASSIVE PASSENGER: This doesn’t sound like a driving problem, this sounds like a anger management issue that he is channeling through his driving. Look, we all have our moments. We yell at a driver in front of us when we are really frustrated about work. We gun through a light because we are running late and feeling entitled. We take our aggression, anxiety and frustration out on the road and the people on it because it is safe. Everyone is in their cars. We can yell and never see someone again. We feel empowered in our anger in these moments. And where does it get us? Heart rate goes up, feelings intensify, and we rarely get where we are going any faster.
I would have this conversation with your husband again but not in the car. Do not do this when you are both in the vehicle and he is more likely to verbally accost you. Being told to shut up is disrespectful and unnecessary. I would wait until he is in a calmer head space and bring this up, focusing on how his yelling made you feel.
You could say something like this: “I want to talk about how your driving is impacting me and everyone around us. Telling me to ‘shut up’ the other day was hurtful and has been weighing on me. I love you, and I’m worried that you are angry about something other than driving. Can we talk about what is really bothering you?”
If he refuses to discuss it, tell him you aren’t going to be in the car while he’s driving until he opens up, and he isn’t going to be driving with your kids, either. It sounds harsh, but he is putting other people in danger, not just himself. Stick to your principles and wait. He may come around. If he does decide to tell you what is going on, just listen. Do not interject. Allow him to express himself, then work towards a solution together. You are on the same team, not adversaries and he needs to know that when he is hurting, you both are.
https://www.uexpress.com/ask-natalie/2020/3/4/happily-married-but-have-feelings-for