Ask Amy: My husband had a vasectomy but I got pregnant

[lemonsharks]

Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for 20 years. He had a vasectomy after our son was born 19 years ago because he had two older children from a previous marriage.

During our marriage, he has cheated twice, but I always forgave him.


Surprisingly, at the age of 45, I found out I was pregnant, and he accused me of cheating — which I NEVER did.

A DNA test proved he’s the father of our child.

I’m so mad at him for thinking that, and we haven’t spoken in weeks.

He’s apologized profusely, and has asked for forgiveness, but I can’t seem to forgive him.

Help, what should I do?

– Expecting

Dear Expecting: The tension now is actually a vestige of his previous infidelities.

People tend to assuage their guilt by accusing others of their own transgressions.

It’s yet another way to let yourself off the hook.

You could break the silence in your household by telling your husband that you are struggling to forgive him for his extremely unfair assumption about you.

Solicit his help – and challenge him – by asking him to provide you with reasons to forgive him. In addition to asking for forgiveness now, he may need to fold in a sincere apology for his previous transgressions.

Comments

[lemonsharks]

"Surprisingly, at the age of 45, I found out I was pregnant, and he accused me of cheating — which I NEVER did."

... Because he had a vasectomy

[minoanmiss]

On the one hand, vasectomy.

On the other hand, if I had been the husband I would [one not have cheated and two] like to think I would have said, "this is REALLY WEIRD I am calling my doctor ASAP". Because depending on how they are done there is a small but nonzero chance a vasectomy can fail. So even though it was unlikely I think I would rather say, "maybe we are the one in a million chance" and convey to my spouse that I still trust them, than immediately accuse my spouse and possibly break the relationship.

And then of course figure out if 1) the vasectomy failed and 2) who is the father with a DNA test.

I'm not sure I'm adequately explaining what I mean here. But... if I were the LW I would be hurt too. Even though I knew it was largely illogical I would be hurt that he didn't trust me after so much time I had spent being trustworthy, at least not enough to do some investigating first.

[lemonsharks]

I think having it fail after 19 years of the vasectomy working as I ended makes it reasonable to go to the "paternity test" place before the "spontaneous vasectomy reversal" place.

If probably be hurt and offended too if I were the LW, but I don't think it's reasonable for her to be all "I can't believe he would think that"

[minoanmiss]

I think having it fail after 19 years of the vasectomy working as I ended makes it reasonable to go to the "paternity test" place

Oh definitely.

If I were the LW I think I would think "I can't believe he would think that" because I know I didn't cheat. Then unlike the LW I would tell myself what this looks like from his perspective, and try my best to talk to him and to accept his apology (if it's real, of course). The LW and her husbaand may need a facilitator to get to that place.

[torachan]

Nah. The husband is 100% asshole here. She doesn't need to look at things from his POV (the POV of a serial cheater who believes everyone is a cheater just like him) or to forgive him. Just move on.

[gingicat]

We actually know someone whose vasectomy didn't take. (Not anyone we're currently in touch with, unless Elbows Discord counts.)

[minoanmiss]

I think I recall that, yeah.

[naath]

Cheating is the most common reason a vasectomy 'fails' although not always as you have found, it's not an unreasonable assumption. Also, since this was a real vasectomy failure he should look into having it redone or use other contraception because clearly his sperm is getting out.

[lemonsharks]

Yeeeeep

[tielan]

I feel stupid for asking this: why does cheating contribute to a vasectomy failing? I don't comprehend the correlation.

[lilysea]

I feel stupid for asking this: why does cheating contribute to a vasectomy failing? I don't comprehend the correlation.

The implication is that the vasectomy didn't fail, the uterus-owning partner had sex with another penis-owner, but that one or both of the committed/official couple claimed that the vasectomy failed rather than acknowledge the factual reality of cheating.

[tielan]

Ah. Okay. So it's tongue-in-cheek.

[lemonsharks]

The joke is that vasectomies have a 1% failure rate. it is much more likely that a person with a vasectomy's pregnant partner cheated than that their vasectomy failed.

[tielan]

Ah, I see now.

[ashbet]

If I had been the husband, I would have seen my doctor to make sure there wasn't live sperm being released in semen before ACCUSING MY WIFE OF CHEATING.

Getting a paternity test is reasonable under the circumstances, but he went straight to the nuclear option.

And he's a cheater, unlike her.

[azurelunatic]

Do you want to forgive him?

[julian]

Dear LW: Therapy's a good option, to work through your anger. Which is copious. (Even if, personally, you're being over the top, but obviously, there's a lot of backed up anger from previous events.)

[melannen]

Yeah, I don't have a good perspective on how reasonable your husband's suspicion really was, and the letter doesn't really tell us how reasonable his *reaction* to his suspicion was, but if you forgave him for cheating but can't forgive him for this... then you probably didn't forgive him for cheating.