Dear Prudie: My Husband Does Not Socialze Anymore

[cereta]

Q. Rock: My husband runs his own business and works crazy hours. I understand his love of peace and quiet, but he has told me he is “done” with going out. He comes home, eats the dinner I make, and falls asleep in his armchair. Sometime around midnight, he comes to bed. He refuses to socialize at all: not with neighbors, at church, or with my family. If I go alone, I get questions about my husband, and when I get back, I get a guilt trip. (“You go out too much.”)

I am much more extroverted than my husband, but lately it feels like he is punishing me for it. He doesn’t even want to talk about my day: I will mention over dinner news that my co-worker got a puppy or a funny story my instructor told my class. His response is: “I don’t know them. Why should I care?” If I ask him to see a doctor or go see a counselor with me, he is dismissive. “Nothing is wrong, we are fine, you are too sensitive.” We are both in our early 30s. I want to enjoy life and my work and my marriage while we are both still active enough to enjoy it!

A: Let me describe your marriage as best as I can, based only on the information you’ve given me: Most days you make dinner for him, which he eats before passing out (it doesn’t sound like he thanks you or helps clear the dishes); several hours later, he climbs into bed and the next day it starts all over again. If you try to talk to him during dinner, he chastises you for noticing things that make other people happy. Small talk is forbidden, leaving the house without him is barely permissible only after he’s grilled you about it, and therapy is out of the question. Any attempt on your part to change this dynamic, however small or tentative, is immediately shut down. Your husband doesn’t want a partner, he wants a microwave—something to heat up his dinner for him and then stay silent, aside from beeping to alert him when his food is ready.

Maybe he is depressed, maybe he is overworked, maybe he is a curmudgeon, maybe it’s a combination of all three—all of it (from your point of view, at least) is rather beside the point, because he’s made it abundantly clear that this is the life he wants to have. I think if you want something else for your life—and you should—you should leave him, especially since you don’t have children together. I don’t know if you want to have kids someday, but I shudder to imagine children having to grow up with the kind of father who says, “Shut up, who cares” when someone says, “Oh, a friend of mine got a puppy today.”

Comments

[rosefox]

YES GET OUT GET OUT NOW

If he wants to be alone, let him be alone! And go live your life.

[laurajv]

like i said to you earlier, FIRE THIS DUDE INTO THE SUN.

[ashbet]

My ex-husband was less of an utter cockbag about it than this guy, but the dynamic became extremely similar (didn't like my friends, didn't make friends of his own, didn't want to go out and do things together, wasn't keen on me having people over, didn't care what I shared about "people he didn't know"), and I was absolutely climbing the walls, because I'm an extrovert who loves to dance and explore and travel and try new restaurants and be around people.

(There was something of a bait-and-switch situation, he was a lot more social before we moved in together.)

And this, cats and kittens, became a primary motivator behind our divorce.

(We stayed friends until his death, he was a genuinely awesome guy in many respects, but he was absolutely *crushing* me with the antisocial behavior and insistence that spending time together was the only social interaction we needed.)

I hope this poor woman gets out while she can!

[staranise]

I hate how it feels like some people are only demonstrating healthy behaviour as like... a mating lure. Then the moment they've got a relationship nailed down, they pack those behaviours away, because what they really wanted all along was to have someone to feed off of directly.

I don't know if this is what happened to you in particular, but it just.... really feels like a Thing I've seen several friends' SOs do.

[ashbet]

You’re not wrong, and it was a real problem — the “bait-and-switch” issue wasn’t confined to socializing.

It was really frustrating — he married an extroverted social butterfly with a ton of friends, an artist, someone who loves to dance and travel and have new experiences, a Goth since my early teens, someone who had been open since the beginning about my preference for polyamory, etc., and he wanted me to CHANGE all of those things :/

It felt like cutting pieces off myself and getting smaller and smaller.

There was a real element of “I’ve lost interest in these things, so you should, too” from him. Ugh.

[cereta]

Oh, man. I'm sorry he did that to you. I keep remembering the song "Marry the Man Today" from Guys and Dolls, this whole, "I'll take this person who has lots of traits I don't like and then slowly change them." Just...no.

[ashbet]

Thank you <3

It was years ago, but I really feel for the OPs in both of these recent letters. It's an awful position to be in!

[tielan]

Admittedly, we don't know what the relationship looks like in the 'small spaces' but hopefully Prudence boiling it down to the basics will give her the salutory jerk out of letting this relationship continue as it is.

I particularly liked the illustration of a father who has no empathy or interest in the things that delight his children.

[lilysea]

In some ways I identify with the husband - due to a mixture of chronic illness and Anxiety/PTSD, I've cut WAY, WAY back on my socialising, and pretty much only spend time with two other people not counting my partner -

but

a) I'm always encouraging my partner to make plans to see his friends without me, and prompting him "hey, there's a public holiday coming up, why don't you see if your friends are free to play roleplaying games/cards against humanity with you?"
I actively encourage and cheerlead him going out with friends, and facilitate it wherever possible ("Hey, I'll pay for you to get a taxi home if that tips the scales in favour of going to the party.")

b) I am very happy to listen to my partner's stories about his friends. Weirdly, listening to the stories secondhand is much more relaxing than spending time with his friends is!

I don't think there's anything wrong with the husband staying home, but he should actively support/encourage and cheerlead his wife spending time with her friends.