Ask Amy: Husband Needs to Call Family Meeting

[cereta]

Dear Amy: My wife and I have been married for 25 years. In most respects we continue to have a very solid relationship. We enjoy talking and doing things together, and we have a lot in common.

We have been semi-retired for 10 years. We spend a lot of time together.

If there is one challenge that never seems to resolve itself, however, it is my wife's claims that I have either not listened to her, or that I have misinterpreted something she says.

She stores away every instance of my "failures" in this area, so that each time I miss or forget something she has said, she becomes frustrated and upset.

These miscommunications usually involve minor issues relating to house maintenance, shopping and scheduling. This happens every few weeks.

In my view, considering how much time we spend together, these episodes are not serious enough to evoke her building frustration, which then spills over.

I have apologized often, but have also told her that I am human and am going to forget things on occasion or misinterpret what she says.

She invariably says that these situations are examples of a lack of respect for her.

I feel I am under a microscope and that she is growing intolerant to the point that it poses a threat to the marriage. She insists that there is no other underlying grievance involved.

I would like to try to improve things before recommending marriage counseling. Any advice?

-- Caring Husband

Dear Caring: Holding onto grievances is a terrible habit, in part because your wife's feelings and outbursts then become the focus of your communication. If she wants you to continue to work on controlling or changing your own habits, she should work on her own.

You two should have regular family meetings where you review household matters. Even though you see one another all the time, sitting down with intention will be good for your relationship.

Always close these meetings the way a good journalist closes an important interview: "Is there anything important we haven't discussed? Is there anything more you'd like to tell me?"

And before you two part, look her in the eyes and say, "Honey, I'm flawed. I make mistakes. But I appreciate you." Does she deserve this response? Maybe not. But do it anyway.

Leading with a loving reaction should disarm, charm, and inspire her to behave differently.

Comments

[cereta]

"Caring": The first thing I would encourage you to do is to take an honest inventory of just how often you are forgetting or misunderstanding things. I can think of several possibilities just off the top of my head:

1. If you are forgetting more than you were a year ago, you should see your doctor. There are any number of things that can cause memory issues, from medication to dementia.

2. Have you ever had your hearing checked? You may just not be hearing her well enough to understand what she's asking you to do.

3. I have struggled for years to get the important people in my life to understand that if I am reading, writing, watching TV, or doing much of anything, they need to make sure they get my attention before talking to me. I hyperfocus, and it takes me about 30 seconds to realize that someone is addressing me. It was a real source of frustration in my relationship with my mother, as she would just start taking to me. Is it possible this is happening with you?

If you truly believe your wife is overreacting, perhaps ask her to help you come up with a solution. Something as simple as a hanging calendar with events and tasks written on it can work miracles. Sandra Boynton puts out a really nifty family calendar every year. It even has stickers!

[tielan]

Disclaimer: I have never been married.

This sounds like a case of a man "switching off" when it comes to 'house maintenance, shopping, and scheduling' because the assumption is his female partner will take care of it. Appointments? We have an appointment? Yes, you were told about it last week. You just didn't remember. We're out of milk? Yes, you're out of milk, and the level in the carton has been dropping steadily even while you went to the shops for random groceries you personally wanted but never thought to get milk because your partner didn't say to get milk. It's that constant level of 'maintaining a household and home' that often falls into the lap of a woman in a relationship and is stuck with her until one of them shuffles off this mortal coil.

I'm also wondering about the semi-retired bit. Observing my parents' generation retiring, the expectation among the women is that now he's not working full-time, he'll pull his weight around the house. The expectation among the men is that she'll take care of everything just like she did when he was working full time...

Amy's response feels...off. I mean, they need to have a discussion, certainly, but skip the "I'm flawed, I make mistakes, but I love/appreciate you" line, because given his attitude, it's coming across to me as manipulative. LW's wife thinks he's not pulling his weight - which doubtless means she's picking up what she perceives to be the slack - and he's gonna smooth it all over with an "I love/appreciate you (but I'm not going to change my habits until you stop the 'habit' of nagging me, at which point I'll forget there was ever a problem)".

Final disclaimer: Reading anything about people's marriages these days just makes me so glad I'm single. So I may not be the most 'rational' of people to comment on this.

[sara]

Yes, this. The letter reads like something my abusive ex-husband would have written during the couple of years before our breakup (the problem was not, as it turned out, that I was too picky and frustrated, or that I had poor communication skills...it was that he was on a lot of drugs, and therefore paying very little attention to anything except his own desires.)

[kiezh]

"my wife's claims that I have either not listened to her, or that I have misinterpreted something she says."
...
"These miscommunications usually involve minor issues relating to house maintenance, shopping and scheduling."
...
"In my view ... these episodes are not serious enough to evoke her building frustration" [?!]

And finally, "She invariably says that these situations are examples of a lack of respect for her."

Claims. Minor Issues. Not serious enough. I'd say this letter makes a pretty good case for LW not respecting his wife, even with his best attempts at spinning himself as an innocently wronged party.

Has he perhaps considered that these issues of house maintenance, shopping, and scheduling are NOT minor? Is it perhaps possible that the complex and stressful role of Household Manager has been dumped on her shoulders, so he can relax and think of the issues as minor, because it's her job to handle it?

Mealy-mouthed "I'm sorry you were offended (by this totally minor thing you are irrationally overreacting to)" apologies really aren't going to help, here. Taking her words seriously and trying to act like a person who respects her perceptions of reality (and does his share of the household management), otoh, might help.

(He claims the right and authority to decide what she is allowed to be frustrated about! WTF.)

[julian]

Thaaaaaaank you, yes, you're way more articulate there than me, but: exactly. Minimization and disregard up and down the wazoo.

[watersword]

Perhaps the LW should read this blog post and consider the points therein.

[moem]

Hell yeah. That's a good blog post.

[watersword]

cereta's point about possible organic causes is also worth exploring, since the LW seems of retirement age, but the attitude problem is much more fundamental.

[julian]

"She invariably says that these situations are examples of a lack of respect for her."

...And you don't want to take her word on that. OK then, thanks duder.

(Is Amy usually this one sided?)

[jadelennox]

Yeah, this was a terrible response (although regular meetings isn't a bad idea, inherently). Maybe The wife is a grudge holder. Maybe the LW has the organic causes Cereta suggested, or the generational issues Tielan suggested. But no matter what, when the letter is generally about miscommunication, and the LW says that their wife says they don't listen, then the advice columnist assuming that the letter writer has accurately absorbed and reported the story is just silly.

You can give advice about how to address the situation (which ought to include "and stop having something against counseling; if you aren't communicating it could help a lot") without assuming that the wife is to blame.

[neotoma]

Leading with a loving reaction should disarm, charm, and inspire her to behave differently.

... or lead her to believe he's trying to manipulate her and won't change his ways to actually listen to her concerns. Especially as this is happening every few weeks!

I think going to marriage counseling now would save going to a divorce lawyer later, when she's finally fed up past the point of wanting to work with him.

[minoanmiss]

I wonder if Amy's advice came from a thought process similar to mine, which went

1) RARGH WHAT AN ASS LW IS
2) as someone who complains a. lot about not being heard and who holds grudges a lot, maybe I can see the wife's perspective and possible ways she might be contributing to the dysfunction. Or, phrased differently: maybe I can identify with the wife enough to see if she might possibly be making mistakes.
3) Maybe if I had to advise this dude I would try to meet him in the middle instead of scolding him.

But on further thought, I'm back at #1. RARGH WHAT AN ASS HE IS.

[lavendertook]

Ewwww, what lousy advice. Amazing Amy doesn't see some typical gender dynamics around household work here and is assuming terrible habits on LW's wife's part, or that she's not suggesting that they are both harboring negative views of each other from the description he's given of his wife's responses, and what's wrong with going straight to counseling for help--go!

[cimorene]

I wonder how much this letter has been edited. The LW seems to be minimizing some aspects of this, but it also sounds like it's a perennial issue that's been going on forever - but perhaps it's only irritated him since retirement and he NOW feels that spending time together means it's not fair for her to expect him to remember stuff? Or are there more conversations or more expectations of him now that he's there more often? Either way... it sounds like he's an asshole or having a medically-induced memory issue or both, and either way, his wife's attempts to express herself aren't being very productive and honestly they probably do need counseling. My wife and my mother could both fit into the LW's place when it comes to remembering things, which I think is probably due to ADD, but the spouse's response doesn't match up with that situation. It may be irritating when your partner can't remember anything, but when they've been that way from the moment you met them it seems unlikely that this kind of situation would result after such a long time.

[cereta]

I wondered about the retirement issue. There's several ways that could be playing out: his wife expected him to take on more of the household labor, and he still regards that as doing things "for her," and thus doesn't feel like he needs to take responsibility for doing them on his own. Or any one of those things by itself, perhaps coupled with a declining memory. I would very much like to hear his wife's view of the situation.

[movingfinger]

Look, Amy, there is a spiderweb with "CRAP ADVICE" stitched in it right over your head.

The wife is fed up with being ignored and he is not picking up on that at all. Entitled ass.

ETA: on the "score-keeping," yes, that is a bad thing to do, but by my observations it doesn't start happening until there is a long-running pattern of ignoring/disrespecting/tuning out on one side and silent rage is starting to smolder on the other.