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agonyaunt2021-11-29 03:28 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2021-11-29 03:28 pm
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Dear Prudence: My Gym Freak Husband Won’t Stop Criticizing My Body
Pregnancy changed my weight a little, but this feels cruel.
I am a person who has a myriad of physical issues starting with migraine, vertigo, thyroiditis, mild OCD, ASD, and the occasional aches and pains that come along with age. I am not fit as I would like to be, but I cycle five days a week and do plenty of other chores around the house, all the while managing our toddler and my own work. None of this seems to be enough for my husband, however, who I have been married to for over five years. He is a gym freak and is borderline hypochondriac, although he refuses to acknowledge it. He is obviously muscular and fit and takes on at least 40 percent of the parenting duties.
My issue is this: He is constantly telling me I need to make time to get “fitter” (i.e., reduce weight). I have argued with him; tried explaining to him how slow my metabolism is and has been throughout my life, especially with my thyroid medication; I have begged him to stop hounding me; I have yelled at him. I have tried everything under the sun, including going to couples therapy (for some unresolved grief issues). Nothing has helped. I feel like I am being judged ridiculously with no merit and given absolutely no appreciation whatsoever for the effort I constantly put in. Yes, pregnancy has changed my body and my weight, but I only went up 15 pounds. He makes it seem like I am a beached whale. He looks at me disapprovingly when I am undressing and asks, is this fat or excess skin from the pregnancy?
I am defeated and hopelessly lost within myself. I have my own issues that I am tackling every minute of every day, and I don’t know how to handle this too. If I say I am getting a headache, his face completely changes and he immediately starts whining like a kid: When will you ever not have pain in your body? Every day it’s something or the other with you. I have tried to tell him I am human and every human has pain, but that’s not enough. He, on the other hand, will go to the doctor if he has a zit on his face lest it be a cancerous tumor. Help me explain to him one more time or at least help me deal with this so I can live with him without letting this get the better of me. Divorce or separation is not an option because I still do love him. He is an excellent father and dare I say a very responsible and loving person in general, except for this one issue. We almost never argue about anything else, and he is very attentive to all my other needs. Weight loss is like kryptonite to him.
—Fat as Hell
Dear Fat as Hell,
You say “Divorce or separation is not an option because I still do love him” and, well, the fact that you’ve already decided you don’t deserve better is probably part of why he refuses to treat you better. That and the fact that he’s a vicious, insensitive, hateful, fatphobic monster. Replace the time you spent in couples therapy with individual therapy. Specifically, look for someone who advertises that they’re familiar with the concept of health at every size. You can tell yourself it’s to help you figure out how to be happier in this relationship if that’s what it takes to get started, but I hope you ultimately develop enough perspective and respect for yourself that you no longer find it appealing to be married to someone who intentionally hurts you.
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I'm guessing that there's a deeper resistance to divorce than just loving him. LW has a toddler, which is a small human that needs marginally less care than a baby while being able to zoom around the house. She also has chronic health issues, both mental and physical. The prospect of being alone (and I can guarantee that Mr. 40% Gym Rat isn't going to take on half the parenting if he has to do it by himself and/or sacrifice precious gym time to) and dealing with all of that is really fucking scary. It can be easy to wash deep-seated, unsolvable shittiness into an annoyance.
But yeah, the advice is about all I could say.
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I'd suggest a jar of honey and an anthill, personally. Phone number of a friendly assassin. Tape a bad take to his forehead and deliver him to YA twitter. Call your local roller derby team, tell them this story, and promise them all alibis.
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Fun fact: poisoning via inhaled ricin, although dangerous to administer, has all the same symptoms as death by covid. And you can get enough castor beans from the local garden center to remove the entire man.
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ooh, I always love getting gardening tips! ☠
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Another letter in the Wish It Had Gone To Captain Awkward Jar.
Because if divorce isn't on the table LW needs a crash course in setting and maintaining boundaries with her husband.
"But I'm just sharing my opinion? Can't I share my OPINION with my WIFE?!"
No, Entire Man. Not about her weight and body shape. Because your opinion is shitty, mean, and shouldn't be spoken aloud because it's shitty and mean.
Like...leave off the trying to get him to change his opinions and focus on the tangible stuff like getting him to shut up on the topics she doesn't want to hear his terrible takes about.
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2. None of this justifies his ongoing campaign of emotional abuse against his wife. You cannot be a good father if you abuse your child's mother - and what's going to happen when he turns his bodyshaming eye on his child? It's going to happen. Sooner or later, he's going to decide that child does not measure up.
3. Every human has pain, but not every human has chronic migraines. And honestly, the combo of migraines + vertigo + ASD rings one very specific bell in my head that says connective tissue disorder, which is pretty common in autistics and can definitely be related to the migraines and vertigo. Which would cause the "aches and pains" that come when we get older, but rarely come on with parents of toddlers because most people don't have their first child in their late 30s or 40s - especially not if they're the one who got pregnant. And if that's a risk factor, then LW needs to be prepared for the very real chance that their days of biking five days a week AND doing the housework AND the paid employment and 60% of the childcare are limited by more than just the aging process.
Anyway, the answer of "when will you not have pain" is "never". LW will never not have pain, unless the migraines end at menopause. That happens sometimes.
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And, yes, that combination of symptoms is ringing my spidey-senses, too — but very quietly, because I’m currently trying to stave off a migraine.
YEET THIS ENTIRE MAN INTO THE SUN.
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Wait, migraines + vertigo are a known thing?
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It's the addition of ASD as well and the mention of "aches and pains that come with aging" from a LW who, as the first-time mother of a toddler probably should not be old enough to be experiencing too many age-related aches and pains yet that caused me to think of that particular group of diagnoses.
Vertigo + migraine is not a terribly weird combo. The thing that really got me was when I found out that asthma + migraines is a known thing, not just in that patients often have both, but that asthma attacks can trigger migraines and vice versa.
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