His Way or the Highway

[conuly]

Dear Annie: My husband is controlling. Everything has to be his way. I've caught him in lies. We argue constantly. I get pretty tired of it, but I come right back to him every time. I'm trying to figure out what to do.

We've both had hard lives. I've heard some concerning things about how he treated his ex-wife. I'm a nice and sweet person. I just want to be treated right. I don't like being yelled at or controlled. I used to work but now I can't get a job because he doesn't want me to get a job.

Also, he still constantly deals with his ex-girlfriend. She and I can't stand each other. She's been stalking him for seven years. I tried telling him to change his number and he won't. I don't know if he's still talking to her; she calls him privately. I was wondering what to do. I think he still has feelings for her, because otherwise he'd have told her to stop "stalking" him, instead of just letting it continue. What do you think? -- Stay or Go

Dear Stay or Go: If this marriage is to continue, you and your husband need to try a little tenderness -- to aim for patience, kindness and trust. You've got too much of the opposite going now, and it leaves no room for love. A licensed marriage counselor could help you both out of this resentment rut and onto a sturdier foundation of trust and communication. If counseling doesn't yield results and you still feel controlled, stuck and deceived, then it's time to go. Marriage should make you feel stronger, not weaker.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2287567

Comments

[conuly]

Don't waste your time in couples counseling. Just see a lawyer and get out. The man won't let you work outside the home? There's your big stinking red flag.

[rosefox]

you still feel controlled, stuck and deceived

You mean "if your husband is still controlling, confining, and deceiving you", right?

This is such dangerous advice. If the husband knows the LW wants to leave, he could escalate the harm he's already doing her. She needs to contact a domestic violence hotline, marshal her resources, and get out.

[watersword]

get out get out get out do not pass go do not collect $200 (actually, do collect $200, make sure your partner can't control your money and that you have liquid cash) get out.

[minoanmiss]

Annie, are you TRYING to get the LW hurt or killed?!

[conuly]

I think she must be :(

[eva_rosen]

Did she advise LW to try and stay in an abusive relationship despite LW listing all the red flags ever? This is potentially life-threatening, not just garden variety terrible advise.

[conuly]

YES.

[cereta]

This is not, actually, the first time she has done this.

She is honestly reminding me of a woman I went to grad school with, who honestly, honestly did not see the (relative) privilege she got with being a conventionally attractive white girl with long blond hair. Classes and classes and papers and papers on diversity, and never got it. I could be wrong. Annie could have had adversity in her life. But more and more, I get the feeling that she has lived in a bubble for much, if not all of her life.

[lavendertook]

What everyone above said. Is this Annie often this clueless?

[cereta]

Very, very often. I am trying to tell myself that someone is just trolling her, because she's pulled this shit before. I am beginning to think there needs to be some kind of campaign to her syndicate, because this is horrifying.

[frenzy]

I’ve p much only seen one good answer from her once :/

[tielan]

Worst. Answer. Ever.

There's no point in LW trying for gentleness and kindness if the partner isn't going to, and it seems pretty clear the partner isn't going to.

WTF, Annie?

[cereta]

GO.

[akamarykate]

This letter sounds like the beginning of a murder podcast/episode of Forensic Files...except the LW is alive and telling the story in first person.

I desperately hope she gets better advice stat and gets out.

[lemonsharks]

YEP. I want to send her copies of "why does he do that??" And "how to disappear"

[mommy]

Divorce is a wonderful word. Embrace it and get out while you can. You won't be able to find a job while he's in the way, so focus initially on securing small amounts of money and run as soon as you have enough to survive on while you work with a women's shelter or domestic violence organization.

[staranise]

Also, he still constantly deals with his ex-girlfriend. She and I can't stand each other. She's been stalking him for seven years. I tried telling him to change his number and he won't. I don't know if he's still talking to her; she calls him privately. I was wondering what to do. I think he still has feelings for her, because otherwise he'd have told her to stop "stalking" him, instead of just letting it continue.

THIS ISN'T STALKING THEY'RE JUST HAVING AN AFFAIR.

[conuly]

What I don't get is how he's got a wife AND a girlfriend when he clearly sucks. The sex can NOT be that good.

[staranise]

I'm guessing "we've both had hard lives" means he's really good at picking people whose damage responds perfectly to his charm.

[xenacryst]

This. Abusers are master manipulators, and their targets are people who feel like they need external validation and security.

[onlysmallwings]

I just want to be treated right. I don't like being yelled at or controlled. I used to work but now I can't get a job because he doesn't want me to get a job.

Couples counseling is not going to change him or the situation. Leave, as quickly and safely as you can.

[beable]

the comments on Arcamax are disheartening.
While pretty much all the commenters agree that she should dump this effin' loser, a dismaying number of them are also calling her stupid or telling her she has no backbone for still being with him.

[conuly]

They're all drinking something toxic.

[cereta]

There is a strong strain of "bootstraps!" on that community, even among the more generally liberal-minded posters. Big part of the reason why I left.

[conuly]

And, amazingly, uexpress appears to be even worse.