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lilyseaDEAR ABBY: I am a 29-year-old single mother of two small children. My 5-year-old son was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. I'm the only one in my family who has been trained in his care, so I understand the importance of a healthy diet, proper insulin dosage, checking his blood sugar, etc., and that unless his diabetes is properly managed, it could lead to serious health issues -- even death.
I have explained these things to my mother and attempted to train her several times, yet she continues to do things she shouldn't be doing. She stops by my house almost every night with "treats" like candy, ice cream, chocolate bars, doughnuts, etc. When I get upset about it, she'll casually reply, "Oh, whatever. If you dose him for the carbs in it, he's fine," which is not the case. Yes, he can have a treat now and then, but overall, he needs to stay away from that stuff.
It is extremely frustrating that she refuses to listen to me and continues to disrespect my wishes. I don't know what else to do. We have fought repeatedly over this, and she keeps telling me I'm "overreacting." I'm terrified my son will have permanent damage because of this. How do I get her to stop and listen to me? -- FRUSTRATED IN WISCONSIN
DEAR FRUSTRATED: You have allowed your son's medical condition to become a power struggle between you and your mother. Schedule an appointment with your son's pediatrician so your mother can have the facts of life explained to her. If that doesn't help her to accept reality, then understand that she can't be trusted. Do not allow her to drop by with goodies, and supervise any contact he has with her. It is your job to protect your little boy, even from your obtuse mother, if necessary.
lilyseaDEAR ABBY: I have been friends with a woman for the last 30 years. Our children are the same age. My daughter, who is in her late 20s, has a number of tattoos on her arm that she can cover with clothing if she chooses. However, she doesn't cover them often because she likes them and they mean something to her.
Recently, I showed my friend a picture of my daughter that showed one of the tattoos on her upper arm. My friend said, "Oh, I am so sorry about the tattoo," and proceeded to cover the tattoo with her hand, implying that my daughter would be attractive if it weren't for the body art. I was shocked.
I have always been supportive of my friend's children and have never criticized any of them, even though I haven't agreed with everything they have done. I was so hurt by her comment that I was speechless. I'm not sure I can continue the relationship feeling this way. But I'm hesitant to lose a 30-year friendship over something I might be overblowing. Am I being too sensitive? How do I resolve this? -- COMPLETELY THROWN BY THIS
DEAR THROWN: For a friendship of 30 years to end over one thoughtless comment would be sad for both of you. Sometimes people say things without thinking, and this is an example. Resolve your feelings by talking to her in person and telling her how deeply hurt you were by what she said. It will give her the chance to apologize and make amends.
Recently, I showed my friend a picture of my daughter that showed one of the tattoos on her upper arm. My friend said, "Oh, I am so sorry about the tattoo," and proceeded to cover the tattoo with her hand, implying that my daughter would be attractive if it weren't for the body art. I was shocked.
I have always been supportive of my friend's children and have never criticized any of them, even though I haven't agreed with everything they have done. I was so hurt by her comment that I was speechless. I'm not sure I can continue the relationship feeling this way. But I'm hesitant to lose a 30-year friendship over something I might be overblowing. Am I being too sensitive? How do I resolve this? -- COMPLETELY THROWN BY THIS
DEAR THROWN: For a friendship of 30 years to end over one thoughtless comment would be sad for both of you. Sometimes people say things without thinking, and this is an example. Resolve your feelings by talking to her in person and telling her how deeply hurt you were by what she said. It will give her the chance to apologize and make amends.
lilyseaDEAR ABBY: Yesterday I was in a retail store with my service dog. The clerk asked me what kind of service dog she was and I replied, "She's my service dog." She kept pressing me as to exactly why I have one, so I asked her if she was inquiring about my disability. When she said, "Yes," I politely informed her that federal HIPAA laws protect my right to privacy. She then said -- loud enough for everyone in the store to hear -- "I don't know what the big deal is. I just want to know what the dog does for you."
Please let your readers know how to be around a person and their service animal:
1. You do not have the right to ask about the person's disability. To do so is rude. Most people prefer strangers not know their medical condition. The dog may be for PTSD, a hearing or seeing dog, or to alert the person to a medical emergency.
2. Children (and adults) need to understand that when service animals' jackets go on, the dogs know it's time to go to "work," and they take their job seriously. At that point, they are not pets and should not be treated as such. If a child rushes a service dog, the animal may react badly because it is there to protect its person.
3. You may ask to pet the dog, but don't assume it will be allowed. If given permission, the dog should be scratched under the chin only.
Service animals know their place. It's a shame that most people are not as polite. -- NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS
DEAR N.O.Y.B.: Thank you for sharing this information. According to the Americans With Disabilities Act website (ada.gov): "Businesses may ask if an animal is a service animal or ask what tasks the animal has been trained to perform, but cannot require special ID cards for the animal or ask about the person's disability."
lilyseaDEAR ABBY: I am a bridesmaid for my brother's upcoming wedding. However, his fiancee is throwing out some crazy mandates for the big day.
1. All family members must wear contact lenses. Glasses will not be allowed because they look ugly in pictures. (Both her mom and my parents wear glasses.)
2. She made my father get dental work to "improve his smile."
3. I recently tore my ACL, and she says I can't bring crutches to the ceremony because she doesn't want them in the pictures.
How much more of this should our family put up with? I love her as my niece's mother, but not as my future sister-in-law. Would it be better to tell them I won't be a bridesmaid? I am afraid to speak up because I want a relationship with my niece. -- AFRAID OF BRIDEZILLA
DEAR AFRAID: Your brother's fiancee appears to have gone off the deep end. Weddings are supposed to be about love, commitment and the joining together of two families, not the photo album.
While I sympathize with her desire for a "perfect" wedding, the idea that your parents and her mother must invest in contact lenses or miss seeing the ceremony and reception because glasses aren't "allowed" is ludicrous. And the suggestion that you leave your crutches and risk further damaging your ACL is off the charts.
Talk to your brother. Perhaps he can make his ladylove see the light. If not, I wouldn't blame you -- and your parents and her mother, by the way -- if you decided to skip the "show."
Mods: can I have an ableism tag?
ceretaDear Amy: While I could write a novel on how I feel, I will keep this short and sweet.
I am a 39-year-old man, and a dietitian. Health is very important to me.
My problem is that women in my dating range have been married and had multiple kids and have let their bodies go to waste.
Before you say "go younger," let me say that the "new age" or "modern woman" does nothing for me.
I have zero attraction to tattoos, drugs, and women who want to hit the clubs.
So now I have zero options, and the loss of hope has taken a major toll on my health.
I am VERY attractive and one of the silliest and most thoughtful guys you could ever meet, but at 5 feet 6 inches tall I am thinking my height is causing me to come up short in their eyes (on first impressions). Pun intended.
-- Born in the Wrong Century
Dear Wrong: Dude, I don't think height is really your problem.
But it might be.
Because you are so specific with your desires, trigger happy with first impressions, and shallow in your own judgments, the only surefire way for you to determine if your height is causing you to be a dating misfit would be for you to grow a few inches taller.
Get on that, and get back to me.
I am a 39-year-old man, and a dietitian. Health is very important to me.
My problem is that women in my dating range have been married and had multiple kids and have let their bodies go to waste.
Before you say "go younger," let me say that the "new age" or "modern woman" does nothing for me.
I have zero attraction to tattoos, drugs, and women who want to hit the clubs.
So now I have zero options, and the loss of hope has taken a major toll on my health.
I am VERY attractive and one of the silliest and most thoughtful guys you could ever meet, but at 5 feet 6 inches tall I am thinking my height is causing me to come up short in their eyes (on first impressions). Pun intended.
-- Born in the Wrong Century
Dear Wrong: Dude, I don't think height is really your problem.
But it might be.
Because you are so specific with your desires, trigger happy with first impressions, and shallow in your own judgments, the only surefire way for you to determine if your height is causing you to be a dating misfit would be for you to grow a few inches taller.
Get on that, and get back to me.
ceretaDEAR ABBY: My husband refuses to wear headphones. This means that when we sit in the living room together, I must put up with the blaring noise of whatever he is watching.
I do a lot of writing, and in order to think, I need silence. I have tried earplugs, but they don't muffle enough of the noise. Now, when I have had enough, I leave the room. This results in us being in two separate places, which he hates. Is there another solution I may be overlooking? -- LOUD IN MAINE
DEAR LOUD: You might try noise-canceling headphones. However, if that doesn't work, because you need to "hear" in your head the sentences you are trying to write, you may have to do your writing when your husband is not at home.
I do a lot of writing, and in order to think, I need silence. I have tried earplugs, but they don't muffle enough of the noise. Now, when I have had enough, I leave the room. This results in us being in two separate places, which he hates. Is there another solution I may be overlooking? -- LOUD IN MAINE
DEAR LOUD: You might try noise-canceling headphones. However, if that doesn't work, because you need to "hear" in your head the sentences you are trying to write, you may have to do your writing when your husband is not at home.
ceretaDEAR ABBY: I recently got married to a wonderful man who is 19 years younger than I am. He's the love of my life. The problem is, he sleeps totally on one side of the bed and isn't affectionate at night except when we are making love. Then he is amazing -- affectionate, sensitive, and very attentive and kind.
He says his mother was very cold toward him, and he was reared by his grandparents, who loved him, but were not "touchy-feely." He treats me like a queen, Abby. Should I just forget about it and be content sleeping un-hugged and un-held all night? -- ON MY SIDE IN MARYLAND
DEAR ON YOUR SIDE: No, you should talk to your husband and explain what your needs are. Although the sex is wonderful, many people -- of both sexes, by the way -- need to feel the warmth of human contact. Because he treats you like a queen, tell him you need more, and perhaps he will make more of an effort on your side of the bed and outside the bedroom.
He says his mother was very cold toward him, and he was reared by his grandparents, who loved him, but were not "touchy-feely." He treats me like a queen, Abby. Should I just forget about it and be content sleeping un-hugged and un-held all night? -- ON MY SIDE IN MARYLAND
DEAR ON YOUR SIDE: No, you should talk to your husband and explain what your needs are. Although the sex is wonderful, many people -- of both sexes, by the way -- need to feel the warmth of human contact. Because he treats you like a queen, tell him you need more, and perhaps he will make more of an effort on your side of the bed and outside the bedroom.
ceretaDEAR ABBY: Can you settle a dispute between my husband and me? Sometimes, I take it upon myself to hand-wash my car because I enjoy seeing my hard work reflected in my shiny car. When I do, it sparks an argument.
His view is that since he's the man, he should be responsible for washing the car. He says there are certain things "women just don't do." I think I'm perfectly capable of washing my car. Should I give up and let him take care of washing my car, or should I stand my ground? -- JUST AS CAPABLE
DEAR CAPABLE: If you want to wash your car occasionally, it should not be grounds for an argument. Many women do, and it's not an issue. However, because your husband seems to find it emasculating, let me suggest that rather than argue about it you allow him to spoil you by doing it for you from time to time. And when he does, if you feel compelled to polish something, let it be your nails while he's out there sweating in the driveway.
His view is that since he's the man, he should be responsible for washing the car. He says there are certain things "women just don't do." I think I'm perfectly capable of washing my car. Should I give up and let him take care of washing my car, or should I stand my ground? -- JUST AS CAPABLE
DEAR CAPABLE: If you want to wash your car occasionally, it should not be grounds for an argument. Many women do, and it's not an issue. However, because your husband seems to find it emasculating, let me suggest that rather than argue about it you allow him to spoil you by doing it for you from time to time. And when he does, if you feel compelled to polish something, let it be your nails while he's out there sweating in the driveway.
ceretaDEAR ABBY: I am a gay man. My friend "Brian" and I have known each other for 10 years. We dated for a while, but realized we are better off as friends. We have lived together for the past several years and are now considering getting married because my job has better benefits. My question is, is a marriage of convenience legal? -- GOING TO THE CHAPEL?
DEAR GOING: Marriages of convenience have been happening since the institution of marriage was invented. That said, however, this is a question you should address to a lawyer to make sure that if you decide to marry Brian, you'll be going to the chapel instead of going to the hoosegow for insurance fraud.
DEAR GOING: Marriages of convenience have been happening since the institution of marriage was invented. That said, however, this is a question you should address to a lawyer to make sure that if you decide to marry Brian, you'll be going to the chapel instead of going to the hoosegow for insurance fraud.
ceretaDEAR ABBY: My wife and I are expecting our first child. A friend of hers pulled me aside to ask if I had already gotten my wife a "push gift." I have never heard of this, but apparently it's supposed to be something nice, like jewelry, to celebrate the birth.
We have already been spending a lot of extra money to decorate a nursery. In addition, the delivery will be costly under our high-deductible health plan. Combined with the fact that my wife just retired from her teaching job, the expenses are starting to freak me out.
In light of this, what do you think of the idea of a push gift? Have you heard any good ideas for a low-cost but appropriate alternative? -- EXCITED FATHER-TO-BE
DEAR EXCITED: A push gift can be a piece of jewelry, your first "family vacation," a piece of electronic equipment for your wife or a piece of furniture for the nursery. Some couples prefer something less materialistic, such as help with baby care or money for the child's education.
We have already been spending a lot of extra money to decorate a nursery. In addition, the delivery will be costly under our high-deductible health plan. Combined with the fact that my wife just retired from her teaching job, the expenses are starting to freak me out.
In light of this, what do you think of the idea of a push gift? Have you heard any good ideas for a low-cost but appropriate alternative? -- EXCITED FATHER-TO-BE
DEAR EXCITED: A push gift can be a piece of jewelry, your first "family vacation," a piece of electronic equipment for your wife or a piece of furniture for the nursery. Some couples prefer something less materialistic, such as help with baby care or money for the child's education.
ceretaDEAR ABBY: I'm in my early 30s and recently met a very attractive woman my age. We are planning to get married. She wants us to be married as soon as possible because she has been divorced for the last seven years.
My problem is, she's extremely secretive about her past, especially the period between her divorce and our meeting. I have been open with her about my past, but when I ask about hers, she refuses to discuss it and says it has nothing to do with our relationship.
I have a feeling there may be something nasty she's hiding. I'm afraid I'm heading into a trap, but my love for her makes it tough to consider breaking up. Am I being too demanding? -- CONCERNED GUY IN THE SOUTH
DEAR CONCERNED GUY: If your intuition is screaming that your girlfriend's desire for a hasty marriage could spell trouble in the future, you should pay close attention to it. It is not "too demanding" to want to know what one's fiancee has been doing for the last seven years. Under no circumstances should you marry this woman without first talking to a lawyer, who I am sure will suggest doing a background check and/or drafting an ironclad prenuptial agreement.
My problem is, she's extremely secretive about her past, especially the period between her divorce and our meeting. I have been open with her about my past, but when I ask about hers, she refuses to discuss it and says it has nothing to do with our relationship.
I have a feeling there may be something nasty she's hiding. I'm afraid I'm heading into a trap, but my love for her makes it tough to consider breaking up. Am I being too demanding? -- CONCERNED GUY IN THE SOUTH
DEAR CONCERNED GUY: If your intuition is screaming that your girlfriend's desire for a hasty marriage could spell trouble in the future, you should pay close attention to it. It is not "too demanding" to want to know what one's fiancee has been doing for the last seven years. Under no circumstances should you marry this woman without first talking to a lawyer, who I am sure will suggest doing a background check and/or drafting an ironclad prenuptial agreement.
minoanmisshttp://www.sfgate.com/entertainment/article/Dear-Abby-Serial-father-keeps-chummy-11237805.php
Dear Abby: I recently met a 28-year-old father of three I~Rm interested in. He seems wonderful. He's a hard worker, takes care of his responsibilities and is an amazing father to his children. They~Rre all still very little, but they're great kids. The only thing that~Rs been on my mind lately is he has a lot of baggage. Those kids are from three different women. He gets along with all of them very well, to the point that they sometimes do stuff together with the children. They go out to places, or sometimes he invites them over to his place to swim in the pool. I understand that he has to maintain a healthy relationship with his exes for the sake of the children, but I never thought it would be this 'healthy.' I have never experienced something like this. I appreciate him being up front about everything, but I can't stop thinking about it. Am I overreacting?
Three's Company
Dear Three's Company: I don't think so. While I admire the man's devotion to his children -- not to mention his skilled diplomatic ability -- it does appear that he has a problem making a lasting commitment to a woman. Unless you would seriously consider joining this 'harem,' I urge you to religiously practice contraception. If you would like children in the future, it would be better to approach it with someone who isn't as marriage-phobic as this young man appears to be.
Dear Abby: I recently met a 28-year-old father of three I~Rm interested in. He seems wonderful. He's a hard worker, takes care of his responsibilities and is an amazing father to his children. They~Rre all still very little, but they're great kids. The only thing that~Rs been on my mind lately is he has a lot of baggage. Those kids are from three different women. He gets along with all of them very well, to the point that they sometimes do stuff together with the children. They go out to places, or sometimes he invites them over to his place to swim in the pool. I understand that he has to maintain a healthy relationship with his exes for the sake of the children, but I never thought it would be this 'healthy.' I have never experienced something like this. I appreciate him being up front about everything, but I can't stop thinking about it. Am I overreacting?
Three's Company
Dear Three's Company: I don't think so. While I admire the man's devotion to his children -- not to mention his skilled diplomatic ability -- it does appear that he has a problem making a lasting commitment to a woman. Unless you would seriously consider joining this 'harem,' I urge you to religiously practice contraception. If you would like children in the future, it would be better to approach it with someone who isn't as marriage-phobic as this young man appears to be.
ceretaNote: I changed the subject line a little to make it less pejorative. I'm also kind of stuck on the trigger warning, so I'm just going to call it a general clusterfuck and point to the subject line.
( Points to subject line )
( Points to subject line )
cereta*I would like to make it clear that this is Abby's site's subject line, not mine.
( Very aggressive romantic pursuit/stalkerish behavior. To err on the side of caution, I'm going to say possible dubious sexual consent. )
( Very aggressive romantic pursuit/stalkerish behavior. To err on the side of caution, I'm going to say possible dubious sexual consent. )
ceretaDEAR ABBY: I've been dating a guy for two years. He has his late mom's wedding rings. He always said he would use them if he ever proposed to anyone.
Well, he proposed to me last week. Last night he informed me that he had let his ex-girlfriend of 10 years wear the rings because she loved jewelry. It made me sick to my stomach, and made his proposal not mean anything to me.
I told him it would be like me giving him my ex-husband's wedding band to wear. He doesn't understand because he didn't use them to propose to her, but to me that's beside the point. They were on her hand. [Emphasis in the original.]
I told him he should have given me the option of wearing the rings or having him buy my own set. He thinks I'm just supposed to be OK with this. Am I out of line feeling the way I do? -- TARNISHED IN TENNESSEE
DEAR TARNISHED: I don't think so. To say this "guy" lacks sensitivity would be an understatement. Are you sure you actually want to spend the rest of your life with someone so clueless?
When he allowed his former girlfriend to wear his mother's wedding rings "because she loved jewelry" rather than because they were planning to marry, the symbolism of bestowing them vaporized. If you do plan to go through with it, "suggest" he buy you ones or use the stones from his mother's rings in a different setting for a ring you will enjoy wearing rather than feeling like Secondhand Rose (third-hand, actually).
Well, he proposed to me last week. Last night he informed me that he had let his ex-girlfriend of 10 years wear the rings because she loved jewelry. It made me sick to my stomach, and made his proposal not mean anything to me.
I told him it would be like me giving him my ex-husband's wedding band to wear. He doesn't understand because he didn't use them to propose to her, but to me that's beside the point. They were on her hand. [Emphasis in the original.]
I told him he should have given me the option of wearing the rings or having him buy my own set. He thinks I'm just supposed to be OK with this. Am I out of line feeling the way I do? -- TARNISHED IN TENNESSEE
DEAR TARNISHED: I don't think so. To say this "guy" lacks sensitivity would be an understatement. Are you sure you actually want to spend the rest of your life with someone so clueless?
When he allowed his former girlfriend to wear his mother's wedding rings "because she loved jewelry" rather than because they were planning to marry, the symbolism of bestowing them vaporized. If you do plan to go through with it, "suggest" he buy you ones or use the stones from his mother's rings in a different setting for a ring you will enjoy wearing rather than feeling like Secondhand Rose (third-hand, actually).
ceretaDEAR ABBY: The husbands of both my two daughters asked for my blessing prior to asking my girls to marry them. I felt what they did was respectful and it was very much appreciated. My wife felt the same way when I relayed the good news to her.
I believe this courtesy replaced what in the "olden days" was a request for permission from the father rather than a blessing and, in my opinion, is more appropriate. If I am correct in my assumption that "permission" has evolved to "blessing," I wonder if it would have been more appropriate for them to have asked my wife and me together for our blessing. Your thoughts? -- PROUD PAPA
DEAR PROUD PAPA: Men asked permission of fathers to marry their daughters in "olden days" because the daughters were considered property. They could not marry without their father's consent. Thankfully, those customs are long gone -- in western society, at least. Please stop second-guessing your sons-in-law, who both seem like gems to me. Many couples today forgo the courtesy altogether.
I believe this courtesy replaced what in the "olden days" was a request for permission from the father rather than a blessing and, in my opinion, is more appropriate. If I am correct in my assumption that "permission" has evolved to "blessing," I wonder if it would have been more appropriate for them to have asked my wife and me together for our blessing. Your thoughts? -- PROUD PAPA
DEAR PROUD PAPA: Men asked permission of fathers to marry their daughters in "olden days" because the daughters were considered property. They could not marry without their father's consent. Thankfully, those customs are long gone -- in western society, at least. Please stop second-guessing your sons-in-law, who both seem like gems to me. Many couples today forgo the courtesy altogether.
ceretaDEAR ABBY: I'm starting to worry about my boyfriend's relationship with his mother. He's deploying at the end of the month. We have been friends for a long time and dating for a year. He's 31 and lives with his parents. We had just gotten a place together prior to finding out about his deployment.
The problem is, his mother comes over constantly, and she waits on him hand and foot. She tags along to his sporting events and cheers him on as if he's a 6-year-old. If he's hungry, she rushes to fix his food and brings him lunch while he's working. She makes all of his doctors' appointments for him and is on his bank account. She also texts me to find out where he is if he has been out of touch for a few hours.
She has taken a lot of time off work to spend with him. I hardly see him alone anymore because he's constantly with her. At the beginning of his deployment, he will be in Texas for a month. During that time he will get a week off. He told his mom the dates of his time off prior to telling me, and she booked a flight for the entire time! This means I will have no alone time with him or time to say a private goodbye.
I love him very much, but this whole mom thing has got me second-guessing everything. Abby, is this normal? -- COMING IN SECOND
DEAR COMING IN SECOND: No, it's not normal. It appears that when your boyfriend was born, the umbilical cord, instead of being severed, remained securely in place.
I hope you realize that if you should marry him at some point, you will be getting a husband who never learned independence, and you will be expected to take up exactly where his mother left off. Your problem is not that you are "coming in second," honey, it's that he appears to be already married -- to Mom!
The problem is, his mother comes over constantly, and she waits on him hand and foot. She tags along to his sporting events and cheers him on as if he's a 6-year-old. If he's hungry, she rushes to fix his food and brings him lunch while he's working. She makes all of his doctors' appointments for him and is on his bank account. She also texts me to find out where he is if he has been out of touch for a few hours.
She has taken a lot of time off work to spend with him. I hardly see him alone anymore because he's constantly with her. At the beginning of his deployment, he will be in Texas for a month. During that time he will get a week off. He told his mom the dates of his time off prior to telling me, and she booked a flight for the entire time! This means I will have no alone time with him or time to say a private goodbye.
I love him very much, but this whole mom thing has got me second-guessing everything. Abby, is this normal? -- COMING IN SECOND
DEAR COMING IN SECOND: No, it's not normal. It appears that when your boyfriend was born, the umbilical cord, instead of being severed, remained securely in place.
I hope you realize that if you should marry him at some point, you will be getting a husband who never learned independence, and you will be expected to take up exactly where his mother left off. Your problem is not that you are "coming in second," honey, it's that he appears to be already married -- to Mom!
ceretaDEAR ABBY: I am sure this issue affects many people, but I have not seen it addressed in your column. Oftentimes married partners are separated by many years in age. Eventually the older of them has to enter a long-term care facility due to a mental/physical defect.
Even though the bond and love that kept them together over the years still exists, the younger still has physical and emotional needs that can no longer be met by the older spouse. What are the ethics in the younger one having a "friend with benefits" to address those needs, if it's done discreetly without causing embarrassment and humiliation to the older spouse? -- FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS
DEAR FRIENDS: This is a highly personal decision that no one can make for anyone else. While many readers may disagree, I see nothing wrong with taking care of yourself as long as you remember you have a moral obligation to support your spouse "'til death do you part." To me that means visiting and spending time with your spouse every day to ensure his/her needs are taken care of in a compassionate and diligent manner, and to let the person know he or she is loved.
Even though the bond and love that kept them together over the years still exists, the younger still has physical and emotional needs that can no longer be met by the older spouse. What are the ethics in the younger one having a "friend with benefits" to address those needs, if it's done discreetly without causing embarrassment and humiliation to the older spouse? -- FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS
DEAR FRIENDS: This is a highly personal decision that no one can make for anyone else. While many readers may disagree, I see nothing wrong with taking care of yourself as long as you remember you have a moral obligation to support your spouse "'til death do you part." To me that means visiting and spending time with your spouse every day to ensure his/her needs are taken care of in a compassionate and diligent manner, and to let the person know he or she is loved.
Dear Abby: Jealous Husband
Apr. 8th, 2017 01:08 pmceretaNote:Making a judgment call on the second trigger warning there.
( Verbal abuse and victim-blaming )
( Verbal abuse and victim-blaming )
Dear Abby: I...really?
Apr. 5th, 2017 12:59 pmceretaDEAR ABBY: I am estranged from my son because he changed his last name when he married. He did it over my objection. Reportedly, his wife's parents tried to dissuade them from doing it, too. The explanation we were given was "they need to have the same last name to feel like a family." I suppose our last name was not acceptable, although they claimed they had nothing against it.
I tried to compromise and suggested my son use a hyphenated name. They agreed to it, but changed their minds after the wedding. I suspect that their reason was they want their children to have a different last name than ours.
What is your take on this? Am I overreacting by wanting to have nothing to do with them? -- MOM OF ANOTHER NAME
DEAR MOM: Yes, you are overreacting. If you keep this up, your grandchildren will miss out on a loving grandma. It is possible that your son and his wife preferred a name that was less ethnic or easier to spell. Hyphenating names can create problems -- especially if it continues into the next generation.
I tried to compromise and suggested my son use a hyphenated name. They agreed to it, but changed their minds after the wedding. I suspect that their reason was they want their children to have a different last name than ours.
What is your take on this? Am I overreacting by wanting to have nothing to do with them? -- MOM OF ANOTHER NAME
DEAR MOM: Yes, you are overreacting. If you keep this up, your grandchildren will miss out on a loving grandma. It is possible that your son and his wife preferred a name that was less ethnic or easier to spell. Hyphenating names can create problems -- especially if it continues into the next generation.
Dear Abby: Ex-huband's long-lost son
Apr. 4th, 2017 03:54 pmceretaDEAR ABBY: My ex-husband recently died, and I have just learned he had an illegitimate son 25 years ago. The son tracked me down wanting to know things about his biological father. My late husband and I had two children before this one was born. So, do I tell my children they have a half-brother and his aunts they have another nephew? -- TRACKED DOWN IN ILLINOIS
DEAR TRACKED DOWN: I see no reason to make any announcements right now. Keep the news to yourself until you are sure that the man wants more contact with his relatives and isn't just looking for medical information that could affect him. You also should make absolutely certain that he truly is your late husband's son by discussing it with an attorney before sharing any news or details.
DEAR TRACKED DOWN: I see no reason to make any announcements right now. Keep the news to yourself until you are sure that the man wants more contact with his relatives and isn't just looking for medical information that could affect him. You also should make absolutely certain that he truly is your late husband's son by discussing it with an attorney before sharing any news or details.
ceretaDEAR ABBY: I have a tough problem. I care very much for my girlfriend. She keeps me in check and does everything for me. However, my best friend's sister and I are extremely close. By close, I mean we have conversations about how things would be if we were dating. We have so much fun together. We never, ever argue, whereas my girlfriend and I are constantly fighting. I legitimately want the other girl, but I don't know what I should do. -- SCARED AND STUCK IN ST. PAUL
DEAR SCARED AND STUCK: You are a free man, neither married nor engaged. Because you have romantic feelings for someone else, gather your courage and level with your girlfriend. Tell her that while you appreciate everything she has done for you, you want to be free to date other people and think she should, too. The news will probably come as a shock to her, but it's the honest thing to do and better for both of you.
DEAR SCARED AND STUCK: You are a free man, neither married nor engaged. Because you have romantic feelings for someone else, gather your courage and level with your girlfriend. Tell her that while you appreciate everything she has done for you, you want to be free to date other people and think she should, too. The news will probably come as a shock to her, but it's the honest thing to do and better for both of you.
Dear Abby: To talk or to text?
Mar. 31st, 2017 08:29 amceretaDEAR ABBY: There is a boy I like at school. He is a very well-known person around school. I'm not. I do have a wide variety of friends, and I even talk to some of his.
My friends know I like him, and they would like for me to talk to him. I wouldn't mind that, but what would I say? They want it to happen in person, but I want to do it by text, where I feel more me. What should I do? -- TENNESSEE TEEN
DEAR TEEN: Listen to your friends and approach him in person. A smile and a hello should break the ice. Then follow it up with a question about some activity that's happening at school.
My friends know I like him, and they would like for me to talk to him. I wouldn't mind that, but what would I say? They want it to happen in person, but I want to do it by text, where I feel more me. What should I do? -- TENNESSEE TEEN
DEAR TEEN: Listen to your friends and approach him in person. A smile and a hello should break the ice. Then follow it up with a question about some activity that's happening at school.
ceretaDEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently had a baby girl, our first. We both work full-time, but my husband is gone nights and weekends and I'm the primary parent at home with our daughter.
Something has been bothering me since my daughter came along. My in-laws have never once told me I'm doing a good job as a mother. I'm critiqued every time they come over, whether it be that her hands are too cold, her room is too warm or her nails are too "sharp."
They compliment my husband repeatedly, and he's the first to give all the credit to me, but I feel like they don't think I'm doing a good job and it makes me feel bad. Am I being too sensitive? -- CRITICIZED ALL THE TIME
DEAR CRITICIZED: It is possible that in making these comments, your in-laws are simply trying to be helpful. Instead of regarding them as criticism, take them under consideration.
However, if your hurt feelings persist, you -- or your husband -- should point out to his parents that in trying to be helpful, they have forgotten to be supportive, and mention some of the things you are doing right.
Something has been bothering me since my daughter came along. My in-laws have never once told me I'm doing a good job as a mother. I'm critiqued every time they come over, whether it be that her hands are too cold, her room is too warm or her nails are too "sharp."
They compliment my husband repeatedly, and he's the first to give all the credit to me, but I feel like they don't think I'm doing a good job and it makes me feel bad. Am I being too sensitive? -- CRITICIZED ALL THE TIME
DEAR CRITICIZED: It is possible that in making these comments, your in-laws are simply trying to be helpful. Instead of regarding them as criticism, take them under consideration.
However, if your hurt feelings persist, you -- or your husband -- should point out to his parents that in trying to be helpful, they have forgotten to be supportive, and mention some of the things you are doing right.
ceretaDEAR ABBY: I have a friend in her mid-40s who has naturally dark hair she keeps cut short. It looked fine.
A few months ago, she bleached her hair platinum blond. She said she was going for a look that will include dark roots, but she has kept the roots platinum, so now her hair just looks white -- especially in pictures. She posted photos of herself with her boyfriend on Facebook, and while I was scrolling down, my initial reaction was, "Who is that elderly woman he's sitting with?"
A mutual friend commented to me how bad my friend's hair looks and how aging it is. Should I mention to her that her hair color makes her look 20 years older? Telling someone her hair doesn't look good can be hurtful, but if it were me, I'd want to know. -- HELPFUL IN HAWAII
DEAR HELPFUL: Be diplomatic, but tell her. A tactful way to lead in would be to say you saw the pictures she posted on Facebook and the platinum hair makes her look "older." However, unless she asks how much older, don't volunteer, because if you say it's two decades, she may take offense.
A few months ago, she bleached her hair platinum blond. She said she was going for a look that will include dark roots, but she has kept the roots platinum, so now her hair just looks white -- especially in pictures. She posted photos of herself with her boyfriend on Facebook, and while I was scrolling down, my initial reaction was, "Who is that elderly woman he's sitting with?"
A mutual friend commented to me how bad my friend's hair looks and how aging it is. Should I mention to her that her hair color makes her look 20 years older? Telling someone her hair doesn't look good can be hurtful, but if it were me, I'd want to know. -- HELPFUL IN HAWAII
DEAR HELPFUL: Be diplomatic, but tell her. A tactful way to lead in would be to say you saw the pictures she posted on Facebook and the platinum hair makes her look "older." However, unless she asks how much older, don't volunteer, because if you say it's two decades, she may take offense.
