cereta: Laura Cereta (cereta)
Lucy ([personal profile] cereta) wrote in [community profile] agonyaunt2017-05-07 11:15 am

Dear Abby: Mom's Grip on Apron Strings Has Girlfriend at Loose Ends

DEAR ABBY: I'm starting to worry about my boyfriend's relationship with his mother. He's deploying at the end of the month. We have been friends for a long time and dating for a year. He's 31 and lives with his parents. We had just gotten a place together prior to finding out about his deployment.

The problem is, his mother comes over constantly, and she waits on him hand and foot. She tags along to his sporting events and cheers him on as if he's a 6-year-old. If he's hungry, she rushes to fix his food and brings him lunch while he's working. She makes all of his doctors' appointments for him and is on his bank account. She also texts me to find out where he is if he has been out of touch for a few hours.

She has taken a lot of time off work to spend with him. I hardly see him alone anymore because he's constantly with her. At the beginning of his deployment, he will be in Texas for a month. During that time he will get a week off. He told his mom the dates of his time off prior to telling me, and she booked a flight for the entire time! This means I will have no alone time with him or time to say a private goodbye.

I love him very much, but this whole mom thing has got me second-guessing everything. Abby, is this normal? -- COMING IN SECOND

DEAR COMING IN SECOND: No, it's not normal. It appears that when your boyfriend was born, the umbilical cord, instead of being severed, remained securely in place.

I hope you realize that if you should marry him at some point, you will be getting a husband who never learned independence, and you will be expected to take up exactly where his mother left off. Your problem is not that you are "coming in second," honey, it's that he appears to be already married -- to Mom!
jadelennox: Senora Sabasa Garcia, by Goya (Default)

[personal profile] jadelennox 2017-05-07 09:13 pm (UTC)(link)
On the one hand, yeah, this is not a man you want to be in a relationship with.

On the other hand, he's being deployed, and you don't say whether it's to an active combat zone. You've been dating him for a year; she's been his mother for 31 years. When it comes to who gets to say a more meaningful goodbye before deployment, it is totally reasonable to think you'd come in second. Sorry, LW.

But as for the rest of it, run like the wind.
redbird: closeup of me drinking tea (Default)

[personal profile] redbird 2017-05-07 11:33 pm (UTC)(link)
That the LW is either assuming, or already knows, that if his mother is in town for the whole week she won't get any private time with her fiance is telling, though. If I was the fiance and was trying to balance time with two people who actually respected that, or my choices, I'd be doing something like having giving one of them the first half of the week and the other the second, maybe with a day or two of overlap there.

As you say, though, given the rest of it, who should have been notified first is trivial.
shirou: (cloud)

[personal profile] shirou 2017-05-07 09:30 pm (UTC)(link)
There are two awful things here. The first is that Mom will always be a part of your relationship/marriage. The second is that Boyfriend, who can't (or doesn't) prepare his own food or manage his own bank account, will never be a full and equal participant.

The LW doesn't mention whether they've talked about children, but kids would make the situation a hundred times worse. Boyfriend would not be ready for his share of the responsibilities of parenthood, and I shudder to think of poor LW trying to enforce boundaries with Grandmother/Mom over the kids when Boyfriend has never set any of his own.
minoanmiss: (Default)

[personal profile] minoanmiss 2017-05-08 06:16 am (UTC)(link)
I had the same shuddersome thought about children.