Dear Abby:Opinionated Dad Has Plan to School College Daughter on Politics

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Jason," and I have a 19-year-old daughter, "Laurie," who finished her freshman year of college with a 4.0 GPA. She has always been a great student and is interested in theater, music and dance. She has never given us any trouble.

My husband is very conservative and opinionated about politics. Our daughter has become much more politically liberal over the last couple of years. Jason thinks it is disrespectful of her to not want to listen to him try to influence her to think like he does (he has tried before). I have told Jason she needs to work out her own political beliefs and, as she matures and sees how the business world works, she'll probably become more moderate.

Jason is now insisting that we set a time when "the three of us can talk," which means he will lecture her about where she is wrong. What can I do as a mother and wife to mediate this meeting? I think both of them are pretty dug in. -- LOVE THEM BOTH IN ARKANSAS

DEAR LOVE: I see no way that what your husband has in mind will be either pleasant or productive. However, because he is her father, Laurie owes him the respect of hearing him out. When the conversation becomes heated -- as it very well may -- suggest a timeout until they both cool down. Or leave the room if it becomes too stressful for you.

Comments

[cereta]

Adds item to List of Things To Remember When My Daughter is Older:

Item: My daughter most certainly does not owe me the "opportunity" to try to change her mind about politics.

Good God.

[lilysea]

The Dad's behaviour rings AAAAAAAAAALLLLL kinda warning bells for me.

What is he planning to do if he can't 'convince' her?

Cut off financial support?

Cut off affection?

Physically assault her?

[cereta]

Yyyup. That's why I put "controlling behavior," because...if he's demanding that she sit and be lectured at for hours, what is he going to then do if she doesn't change her mind?

[lilysea]

It's not okay behaviour on the Dad's part.

It wouldn't be okay behaviour if she was a Trump voter and he was left wing, either.

A few remarks over dinner "I'm concerned that candidate X has policy Y" are ok - but they should be said with respect for the other persons right to have a different opinion, and a willingness to drop it.

What the Dad is proposing is an *intervention* - which is only okay for seeking to address drug/alcohol problems; cult membership; untreated mental illness; gambling addictions; and abusive relationships.

[lilysea]

Pretty much the only time the Dad's behaviour would be okay is if his daughter was supporting actual Nazis/fascists/Ku klux klan, and even then it should be done with compassion and kindness and concern - "We love you, and it deeply saddens us to see you supporting this group which advocates so much hate and hurts other people."

[cereta]

Yes, exactly.

[mommy]

That's what I'm seeing, too.

[minoanmiss]

So true. My parents treated me like Dad up there is planning to when I became more liberal/left Christianity, and the result was that I ran away from them too.

[taselby]

Here I thought the goal of parenting was to produce strong, independent adults who were capable of weighing evidence and deciding for themselves. If so, then congratulations, sir, you have achieved this.

tl;dr, Laurie doesn't owe him shit. And if he tries to punish her for being, you know, an independent human being, then he is the the utmost level of despicable asshat. Hopefully mom can veto that, at least.

[mommy]

I can't see a way where a conversation with the father won't backfire horribly, at least from his perspective. Trying to force his daughter into holding his views seems like an excellent way to convince her to go even further away from him on the political spectrum.

[redbird]

It sounds like "disrespectful" may mean "she doesn't just sit and listen, she either argues or excuses herself because he has lectured her about this before."

The letter says that he has already tried talking her into his opinions. I suspect that what's going on here is something like "Laurie won't just sit there and let me lecture her, so it's your job to make her sit down, and tell her to listen to her father." I very much doubt that Jason is interested in a conversation where LW gets as much time to talk as he does. He sounds like he wants her to say "listen to your father," not to be giving her own opinions, even if they're substantially like his.

[kutsuwamushi]

Abby isn't right, here. Respect is reciprocal - she doesn't owe him the respect of hearing his political opinions, because he clearly doesn't respect hers. This isn't going to be a conversation; it's going to be a lecture in which the patriarchal father figure tries to set his wayward daughter straight.

It's gross, and when you consider the type of political opinion he likely has it's grosser. Political views are not equivalent in their moral content, and right-wing thought is so poisoned by hatred. You might disagree with some of the far-left's ideas about tactics, but they're not saying that Muslims and Hispanics should be banned, that women shouldn't get "special treatment" (be treated equally), or that black people are ungrateful thugs and BLM is a terrorist movement. Just what is he going to change his daughter's opinions to?

Abby should say that this conversation isn't a good idea--that the LW has the right of it and that this lecture shouldn't happen. That "Jason" needs to get over himself and the idea that he's in control of his family, right down to their political opinions. Then she can give pointers about how to mitigate the damage if it can't be prevented. But, ugh.

[minoanmiss]

Totally seconded, with emphatic armwaving.

[wordweaverlynn]

Exactly.

[minoanmiss]

Abby: Laurie has probably heard her dad out a jillion times already. She doesn't owe him her soul or conscience just because she's his daughter.

LW: Your instincts are telling you to try to protect the people you love from an incipient huge mistake. I don't know if you can or should try to dissuade Jason, but you're right that this won't go anywhere good.

Jason: my parents did this, complete with threats to yank me from college. Ask them about how well it worked and how frequently I talk to them nowadays. (Spoiler: it didn't, and the intervals are measurable in years.)

Laurie: you go, girl. I am cheering you on!

[hellaweasels]

I like the part where the LW says that as Laurie enters the "business world she'll probably become more moderate". Judging by how the letter states that she's interested in "theater, music, and dance", I'm sure there's loads of conservatives in those circles!

[ayebydan]

Laurie is an adult and has every right to say 'I don't want to talk about politics with you.'. Even families who share political views often don't want to talk about them. If this mum wants to do right by her daughter she should continue to tell her husband to lack off and leave their daughter the hell alone.