Dear Abby:

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: I moved to the Philippines five years ago. While I was there I met "Emma." After a few months, I realized I was in love with her, and last year we became engaged. I took her to meet my family. They loved her and supported our engagement.

I'm now living in the States and she's still in the Philippines waiting for her visa. Emma is transgender and I don't know how to tell my family. I love her and know I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but my dad is homophobic, and I know he won't support my decision to marry a transgender woman. My mother will also be disappointed because we won't be able to have children together. I need your advice. What should I do? -- FORBIDDEN LOVE IN MINNESOTA

DEAR FORBIDDEN LOVE: You say that when you introduced Emma to your family they liked and accepted her. Because you did not tell them then that your fiancee was transgender, expect them to be surprised. That news will bring your father face to face with his homophobia. As to your mother, even if Emma were not transgender, there's no guarantee that Emma would be able to bear children. In cases of infertility, couples sometimes decide to adopt or employ the help of a surrogate and an egg donor.

As a mature adult, the decision about whom you marry should be yours. Your parents' disapproval should have nothing to do with it. If and when you do give them the news, be prepared for a negative reaction. However, I see no reason why you feel you must tell them since they didn't question her gender before.

Comments

[cereta]

I notice that the one thing missing here is how Emma feels about this: how, when, or even whether to tell the parents. I have a sort of general nervousness about keeping secret any kind of information that a lot of people know, but that's based on my background as an adopted kid, which I recognize is waaaaay different from being transgender. It's obviously none of the parents' business what gender Emma was assigned at birth; the only factor I would recommend Emma and the LW consider (because again, Emma's choices should be paramount, here) is how likely it is that the family will find out some other way, because if it is likely (if, for example, she is still close with her family and has a blabbermouth uncle), they may (may) want to consider controlling how that information is released.

But again, and I can't emphasize this enough, Emma's wishes should take top priority, here.

(Just has a shocker, the comments at Dear Abby's site are...not awful. At least not uniformly.)

[the_rck]

I agree. There's no mention here of Emma's views/feelings on the subject.

I'm also more than a bit worried about the bureaucracy of immigration outing her. I think that may be a more immediate risk than her family.

[cereta]

Very, very true.

[kiezh]

Yeah, I think that's clearly the most important factor here - it's Emma's history and the most serious risks of disclosure are to her, so what she wants to do should take priority. If he feels like he'd be hiding a Dark Secret from his family, that's something he needs to discuss with Emma (and possibly a therapist, for practice in setting boundaries on what other people do and don't have a right to know).

Also, negotiating his family's issues in a way that's satisfactory to both of the couple and puts them on the same team is going to be important practice for their married life. If he's not prioritizing her feelings and wishes regarding disclosure of her own history... he needs a solid whack with the clue-stick. Which, sadly, Abby did not provide. (Though I agree with her point that fertility is not assured to any couple, and that they do have options if they want children. They don't have to offer those choices up for approval to his parents, either.)

[ayebydan]

I agree with all comments so far. I'd also like to add that there is no reason they cannot have children together. Perhaps they cannot have those children in a 'traditional' sense of cis man impregnates cis woman but a family is not out of their reach. A biological child of one of them is not out of their reach. Adoption is not out of their reach though it would be a hard path. Seems letter writer is not seeing the whole picture. More important is if they even want kids. No person should have kids because their mother wants grand children. I've been there, called selfish, and it took my mum years to deal.