Dear Abby: Age Is No Barrier for Man Long in Love With Neighbor*

[cereta]

*I would like to make it clear that this is Abby's site's subject line, not mine.


DEAR ABBY: I'm 36, doing very well in business, single and deeply in love with a 58-year-old woman. She has been a neighbor since I was in grade school. She's petite, pretty, intelligent, cheerful and looks my age.

My parents moved to Florida when I turned 27, and I bought their home just so I could be near her. On my 33rd birthday, I begged her to cook for me. We had dinner and too much wine and ended up in bed. We don't live together, and she often tells me to find a younger woman. I have tried to gift her a car, jewelry, etc., but she has refused them all.

Our families are against this. I'm going crazy trying to convince her I love her. When I told her I've loved her since middle school, she laughed. My parents say I am insane, though they love her dearly. Am I? Help, please. -- IN LOVE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR IN LOVE: Insane? No. When people are in love, they sometimes think emotionally rather than rationally. The 22-year difference in your ages may be why your parents are calling you insane.

Rather than try to "buy" your neighbor's love with gifts, try to get her to tell you how she does feel about you and about what happened the night she cooked you dinner. If it was only because she had too much to drink, she may be embarrassed that things went as far as they did. If it was because the attraction is mutual, you should explain to her that while it may be unusual, these kinds of relationships can be successful if both parties are mature. Example: The president of France, Emmanuel Macron, and his first lady.

Comments

Jessica does not approve

[cereta]

Can I just say, I did not even know how to tag that one? I really debated adding the "male privilege" tag, because this reeks of, "but I want her and I'm doing everything right so she has to love me!", but I try not to editorialize in the tags too much. Feel free to weigh in.

On Abby's advice: no, no, no, no, no. That's what this woman keeps saying. LW had to beg her to cook him dinner (which seems a little...odd), and the one time they had sex, she was inebriated (which, combined with #1, sets my consent alarm bells ringing; I really, really hope that LW didn't plan that very thing when he asked for a dinner at one of their homes).

LW needs to take this woman at her word, leave her alone, and get professional help, not to make himself into someone she'll love, but to get over this obsession and this idea that he's entitled to her.

Re: Jessica does not approve

[jadelennox]

I thought my Nope basket was large but it turned out this letter and response demanded more Nope than I keep stocked.

[watersword]

I hope the LW's neighbor gets a restraining order, moves to a country separated from the LW by a desert and at least two oceans, finds a wonderful partner if she wants one, and never thinks about him again.

[cereta]

Seriously.

[misbegotten]

Oh my. That is some oddly restrained "advice". If I were the neighbor, I'd be freaked. And Abby should be like, "Move on with your life. And get mental help!"

[xenacryst]

Here, Abby, let me run this through the Microsoft Advice Column Content Checker. You probably typed this before having coffee, and it shows. You might want to get more sleep and not try to rush things next time.


DEAR GOD WOULD YOU LET IT GO ALREADY: Insane? Quite possibly. When people have had an unrequited crush for a quarter of a century and have attempted to arrange their entire lives around this, most mental health professionals will at least raise an eyebrow. The 22-year difference in your ages is completely beside the fact that you are stalking someone who hasn't figured out how to get it through your thick skull that she's not interested.

Rather than try to "buy" your neighbor's love with gifts, try to listen to what she's saying: she doesn't want her life entangled with yours. You may have had a brief bit of sexy times, but it rather sounds like she doesn't wish for a repeat performance, and you are most certainly not owed it, in any sense.

Let me help you out: she probably thinks of you as the neighbor kid who's gotten to be a nice young man, but that's a rather different world from hers. You should put your crush away and let the both of you get on with your lives. She most definitely shouldn't have to be put in the position of trying to find ever more inventive and elaborate ways to refuse your advances - that, my dear, is in your court, and you should kindly and definitively shove off.