Dear Abby: Writer Needs Way to Drown Out Noise So She Can Think

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: My husband refuses to wear headphones. This means that when we sit in the living room together, I must put up with the blaring noise of whatever he is watching.

I do a lot of writing, and in order to think, I need silence. I have tried earplugs, but they don't muffle enough of the noise. Now, when I have had enough, I leave the room. This results in us being in two separate places, which he hates. Is there another solution I may be overlooking? -- LOUD IN MAINE

DEAR LOUD: You might try noise-canceling headphones. However, if that doesn't work, because you need to "hear" in your head the sentences you are trying to write, you may have to do your writing when your husband is not at home.

Comments

[cereta]

This is a real, "wtf, Abby?" to me. If she can't fix the problem on her end, she may have to give up her activity, which is just as important as his tv watching, during the hours that he is home? Oh, hell, no. Husband needs to learn the word, "compromise." This may involve him watching on a laptop and using headphones, or the two of them splitting the time between, "together watching something mutually agreeable" and "apart both doing our thing," or some technological solution that allows him to use headphones with the tv.

(Icon used, btw, because NCIS came to represent this problem between spouse and me. He complained about me being on the computer while we were together in the evening, but insisted on watching shows that I either no longer had any interest in or had grown to actively dislike. He eventually saw the light when the small fanperson started watching things he hated. I, of course, in turn had the same problem with her. No, I am not giving my full and undivided attention to Henry Danger.)

[vass]

This results in us being in two separate places, which he hates.

This seems to me to be the key sentence.

LW's problem: she writes a lot, she needs silence to write, and her husband insists on watching TV in the living room without headphones. Compromises she's tried: 1. Tried earphones, this didn't work. 2. She spends some time in the living room with him, then leaves when she has enough. 3. Writing to Abby to try to find another solution, as her husband still wants her in the room all the time he's there.

LW's husband's problem: he wants to be in the same room as his wife while doing two different activities, but she insists that she can't write with TV noise in the background. Now she keeps leaving the room when the noise gets to be too much for her. Compromises he's tried... um, uh...?

To misquote a saying, LW doesn't have a problem, she has a solution her husband doesn't like.

[deird1]

My first question would be WHY does the husband refuse to use headphones?

[redbird]

Being generous and assuming that they're physically uncomfortable for him (as almost all headphones are for me), the solution is for him to not watch TV in the room where she's writing. If he wants to be in the room while she's writing, he could read a book, knit, or do jigsaw puzzles.

[elialshadowpine]

I have difficulty with headphones and thus am super-super-picky because the wrong pair can end up causing irritation that can take days to clear up. But I have been able to find ones that work (and the companies keep going out of business, GRRRRR), so I'd ask what $husband has tried.

I'd ask, cuz, I have run into too many instances of $husband insisting that the wife change rather than try anything. Or insist that it's too expensive, and this can sometimes be true (I can't afford to try ten different pairs of headphones, for instance), but more often than not, that's not the case so much as $husband just can't be arsed. I'm guilty in that I HATE returning items; it's a hassle. If a headset doesn't work out, it ends up going to someone else in my household or it ends up in the "spare" pile, when I really could just return it (because I use Amazon for about everything) and get a total refund.

BUT... that's MY problem, and if somebody in my household were to ask the entirely reasonable thing that the LW is here, it'd be an excuse.

I mean, I know what irritates me when it comes to headphones. I have an auditory requirement of heavy bass (otherwise the music doesn't sound right), I need noise cancelling, I need it to come with a mic, and for physical comfort, the headphones have to be over the ear (completely) with leather (fake or not) padding.

Since I know I'm terrible about returning items, I can try at most maybe three headsets (MAYBE, and that's IF I get good deals on Amazon), but you know what? That means I ... *gasp* ... READ REVIEWS. Items without many reviews leave consideration entirely. I skim reviews for people who have similar issues that I do. If a bunch of people say that the headphones get hot after wearing them for awhile, I don't get them. Same with if they tend to rub the ear after awhile, or if the over-the-ear is really small. There's a number of things I look for, and I've had really good luck. (It reminds me I need to replace my current ones still, but not because of comfort, that's because the sound is weird unless it's at high volumes, and sometimes I don't want to have the music blasting.)

Since the LW has not mentioned that $husband has taken the time to see if he can find a headset that will work for him, I'm going to go out on a limb and guess he probably hasn't. If he hasn't, and he's asking the LW to just stop doing something she enjoys so he can watch TV for hours on end? Yeah, not cool.

[mommy]

Abby's advice doesn't fit the problem. It looks like LW has already tried to compromise. Surely it's the husband's turn, now?

[eleanorjane]

This seems like such a no-brainer. How can Abby get it SO WRONG?!

LW: "Hey honey, I know you like me hanging out with you in the living room while you watch TV, but I can't write while you do that. I don't mind either hanging out somewhere else to write, or staying in the living room if you wear headphones - which one do you prefer?"

It may then come out that what the husband actually wants is for his spouse to Do The Thing He Wants To Do With Him, since he's rejecting all of LW's compromise solutions - but that's a whole different conversation and if that's his actual issue, he needs to articulate that so they can actually talk about it.

Abby is the worst, I swear.

[taselby]

Maybe husband could stop being such a passive-aggressive controlling douche of a manbaby. "I need you neeeeer me! But I'm going to prevent you from doing the thing you love by being a dick about the Thing I Like because it's all about meeeee!"

Eleanorjane has it right: LW has tried and been shot down. Offer hubby choices of THIS or THIS.

I'd throw in a side of counseling if he keeps digging his manbaby heels in.

(Why no, I've never had to put up with *anything* like this, so I can't possible still be angry about it 15 years later.)

[cereta]

I feel you. I am more than a little annoyed that spouse, who complained for ages about me using the laptop while he watched only shows he wanted to and never compromised to watch something I might like (even when I offered to put the laptop away), has now taken to completely removing himself from the family room at night because he can't stand the small fanperson's shows.

[minoanmiss]

eDear LW's husband: if you wanted a butterfly to land on your shoulder you would make conditions hospitable for the butterfly. Can't you treat your wife better than a butterfly?

[xenacryst]

All of this.

Also, I will add that I've yet to encounter a noise canceling headphone that would do what Abby suggests. They're great at blocking background hum, decent for innocuous subway crowd noise, and utterly useless for specific would you turn that crap off already sounds.

[moem]

I'm reminded of Mr Previous, who liked to watch TV in bed. He watched mostly stuff I did not care for. I didn't mind, as I could just snuggle up to him and read. But every time I'd settled into the book, he'd start talking to me, usually about something that was happening on the screen. I'd nod, reply and go back to reading, and then five minutes later he'd do it again. I asked him to stop, but he. Could. Not.
He simply could not handle that I was doing something separately from him, and not paying any attention to him.

[wordweaverlynn]

Sounds familiar. My ex-husband couldn't stand that I did cross-stitch while we watched TV together in the evenings. We snuggles, I paid attention to the TV, but he wanted my 100% attention all the damned time.

[firecat]

How To Suppress Women's Writing

[ayebydan]

Am I the only one who thinks that a room with a TV is expected to carry some noise?

'Blaring' noise suggests maybe the husband could turn the tv down. If that becomes an issue for him there is subtitles, ect. But I don't think TV is a huge thing?

How often is the husband home and in the living room? Has she used earphones to block sounds? Has she considered a study? Has she made any compromise at all?

[cereta]

I have tried earplugs, but they don't muffle enough of the noise. Now, when I have had enough, I leave the room. This results in us being in two separate places, which he hates.

I think she's tried at least a few things.