cereta: Laura Cereta (cereta)
Lucy ([personal profile] cereta) wrote in [community profile] agonyaunt2017-05-30 07:04 am

Dear Abby: Family's Disapproval Stops Woman From Opening Up


DEAR ABBY: I'm a pansexual female and open about it with my friend and also my brother. The rest of my family is super Christian. I tried to bring up the "gay" word, but they're all against it and have strong opinions about the subject.

I just want to feel accepted for who I am, and not keep anything from them. I need your opinion on when I should tell them -- or should I just not tell them at all? Your help would be appreciated. -- PANSEXUAL IN THE USA

DEAR PANSEXUAL: According to Wikipedia, the definition of pansexuality is "the sexual, romantic or emotional attraction toward people regardless of their sex or gender identity." While it may be empowering for you to disclose this information, it should be clear to you that your family -- with the exception of your brother -- is not open to hearing it. Respect that.

However, you are free to live your life, so live it and be happy. You do not need their approval and you shouldn't let their approval -- or lack thereof -- affect how you live.
kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)

[personal profile] kaberett 2017-05-30 12:10 pm (UTC)(link)
... goodness this is terrible "I don't care what you get up to in the privacy of your own bedroom" advice.
naath: (Default)

[personal profile] naath 2017-05-30 04:03 pm (UTC)(link)
I read it more as "fuck them, go off and be you". Families suck sometimes and I don't see why LW would want to hang out with awful people.
kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)

[personal profile] kaberett 2017-05-30 04:31 pm (UTC)(link)
I did... not read this as a cheerful suggestion to cut family off - it is being suggested that LW not distress them by coming out, so I struggle to read it as promoting estrangement?
torachan: (Default)

[personal profile] torachan 2017-05-31 04:49 am (UTC)(link)
The thing that keeps it from coming off that way is "respect that". No, people's bigotted opinions do not need to be respected. If LW's family are bigots then it's probably best for her own mental health to not tell them and just cut ties as much as possible (speaking from personal experience here), but it's for her sake, not out of ~respect~ for bigots.
the_rck: (Default)

[personal profile] the_rck 2017-05-30 01:03 pm (UTC)(link)
I can't figure out how the two paragraphs of the response can reasonably work together. The first paragraph basically says, "Stay in the closet!" That is not generally consistent with not letting people's 'approval -- or lack thereof -- affect how you live.'

So, no. Terrible, terrible advice.
mommy: Wonderita; The Non-Adventures of Wonderella (Gibberish!  More gibberish!)

[personal profile] mommy 2017-05-30 07:31 pm (UTC)(link)
This is roughly where I'm sitting. "Respecting" the family's wishes by staying closeted and happily living one's own life out of the closet are two things which generally don't mesh well in practice.
annotated_em: a branch of a Japanese maple, with bright red leaves (Default)

[personal profile] annotated_em 2017-05-30 01:09 pm (UTC)(link)
Wow. That's all I can really say. Wow.
fox: my left eye.  "ceci n'est pas une fox." (Default)

[personal profile] fox 2017-05-30 01:28 pm (UTC)(link)
it should be clear to you that your family -- with the exception of your brother -- is not open to hearing it. Respect that.

Ew.
ambyr: a dark-winged man standing in a doorway over water; his reflection has white wings (watercolor by Stephanie Pui-Mun Law) (Default)

[personal profile] ambyr 2017-05-30 02:11 pm (UTC)(link)
One, that's terrible advice.

Two . . . there's two different questions here, aren't there. The first is "Should I tell them?" and the second is "How do I make them accept me?" And I think the answer to the first is, "Yes, but only if you're prepared to accept that you can't control their response." Abby's final sentence is important. Pity about all the rest of what she says.
ayebydan: by <user name="pureimagination"> (Default)

[personal profile] ayebydan 2017-05-30 03:04 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh. My heart goes out to letter writer. I don't even know where I would advise here.
redbird: closeup of me drinking tea (Default)

[personal profile] redbird 2017-05-30 03:52 pm (UTC)(link)
This is "I don't know what I'm talking about, but I feel like publishing this question anyway" level advice: with that little space to work with, she's stopping to quote Wikipedia's definition.

There are better ways of saying "your family are unlikely to accept you unless you happen to find a male life partner. Don't let their narrow-mindedness stop you, but remember that arguing with them further may just stress you out."
Edited (fixing typos, because I was in a hurry earlier) 2017-05-31 02:15 (UTC)
vass: Warning sign of man in water with an octopus (Accidentally)

[personal profile] vass 2017-05-31 12:36 pm (UTC)(link)
The Wikipedia part read to me not just like "I don't know what I'm talking about" but also "I've never heard of that and want to make a point of rubbing it in that I doubt my readers will have either, you special snowflake."

I mean, it is in the dictionary.
jadelennox: Judith Martin/Miss Manners looking ladylike: it's not about forks  (judith martin:forks)

[personal profile] jadelennox 2017-06-01 03:29 pm (UTC)(link)
I was flabbergasted that she all but said "I didn't know what you are so I had to look it up, weirdo!"