Dear Abby: For Mom Rewriting Her Will, Time With Her Kids Is Money

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: I divorced my narcissistic husband after our children were raised. Over the years, I have tried to have a relationship with all of my children and their families.

When I asked one of them for a three-day weekend with her children, she texted me saying they all had a lot going on. Then she added, "Maybe next year." I may not be here next year!

I know she may never read this, but it doesn't matter to me if it will help someone who does read it. I have decided to change my will. If I'm not worth my children's time, they don't deserve my money. Your thoughts? -- WORTHLESS UP NORTH

DEAR WORTHLESS: Could it be possible that your daughter and her family are actually busy? Not knowing how you raised your children, it's hard to render an opinion, but from your reaction, you appear to have a troubled relationship with this daughter. Rather than disinherit her, try to find out what motivated her to text what she did so fences can be mended. If that's not possible, then you have every right to reallocate your assets as you wish.

Comments

[cereta]

Three-day weekends are often used for sports tournaments, scouting events, and all kinds of other kids' activities. Why not text asking when would be a good time for you to get together? Your kids are not owed your money, but geez, you didn't say this was a pattern. Could you maybe just possibly be overreacting just a tad?

(Note: I acknowledge that she may well not be. I have siblings who don't even answer most of my, "hey, we're going to be in town on such and such weekend; any chance we can get together at some point?" texts, so I am aware that this is possible.)

(Note 2: I am assuming that "Maybe next year" referred to that specific three-day weekend, not that they would not see her until next year. If it's the latter, then yes, she has a right to be pissed.)

[likeaduck]

Cool, change your will. You get to do what you want with your money. But holding it over your kid's head as a bribe/threat/punishment is not going to contribute to a closer relationship with her & her kids. If you react like this every time someone can't take multiple days out of their life (and other people's) to devote to you I wouldn't want to spend a three day weekend with you either. And on that note, "idk the kids have a lot going on right now, maybe next year?" could be honest truth, but it could also be code for "I/they don't want o spend that much time with you" so I'd invite the LW to consider what they've actually tried in terms of having a closer relationship, and how well that's working. Do they actually have a close relationship now? My feeling is probably not, and that sucks and is hard to accept, but IMO a three-day-weekend with someone is a pretty advanced step in that process, so are there smaller steps that could happen that might help eventually turn the halfhearted-seeming "maybe next year" into actual excitement about spending time together?

[vass]

"I divorced my narcissistic husband after our children were raised."
"I know she may never read this, but it doesn't matter to me if it will help someone who does read it."
"If I'm not worth my children's time, they don't deserve my money."

I'm sensing a whole toxic stew of family dysfunction just below the surface of those three sentences.

Some things I note:
- she wasn't writing to ask Abby's advice, but to air her grievance.
- the first thing she says in that letter IS that her ex was a narcissist, and it's not relevant to the rest of the letter (unless it was edited for publication) and I think that means something, although I don't know exactly what
- she signed her letter WORTHLESS UP NORTH
- this is total speculation, but "she may never read this" and "tried to have a relationship" suggest to me that the lines of communication are perhaps less open than she implied in this letter. Like, one or more of her children are low-contact or no-contact.

Not trying to diagnose her (or her ex-husband), the actual diagnosis doesn't really matter, I am just saying: I hope Cordelia, Regan, and Goneril don't need the money, because I think they'd be better off without it than trying to audition for a line in her will.

[xenacryst]

^^ This.

Also, the "maybe next year" response made me stop in my tracks. Certainly, one interpretation is "maybe we can do Memorial Day Weekend with you next year." But what flashed through my head first was "sorry we're busy this year/decade, maybe in another lifetime?" Which, if that's an unwarranted response is certainly something to take umbrage at. But a response like that usually has some history behind it, and I'd be very curious as to what that history is.

Why wouldn't the response be "I'm sorry, Memorial Day Weekend is spoken for, but if you'd like to get together for a longer period of time, maybe we could try the Fourth of July or Labor Day? Are you around for Thanksgiving? Or we might be able to work some vacation and time off schedules to do a three day weekend with more notice." That's the sort of response that indicates an unstrained (if not necessarily frequent) communication. But this? screams "ISSUES" in big red letters, and I'd bet they're not all on one side or the other.

[minoanmiss]

So much this.

[jadelennox]

I am just saying: I hope Cordelia, Regan, and Goneril don't need the money, because I think they'd be better off without it than trying to audition for a line in her will.

ILU.

[zaracat]

"the first thing she says in that letter IS that her ex was a narcissist, and it's not relevant to the rest of the letter (unless it was edited for publication) and I think that means something, although I don't know exactly what"

It comes across as pre-emptively displaying her "I'm not a narcissist myself" credentials. So that any suggestion in the comments that her kids are reacting to a history of parental emotional abuse can be dismissed with a wave of "oh that was all down to their father". And the whole woe is me "worthless" sign-off: covert narcissist playing the victim?

Maybe I've just spent too much time reading practically identical letters on parental estrangement forums like the ones described about on ths site: http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/