Dear Abby: Ex-huband's long-lost son

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: My ex-husband recently died, and I have just learned he had an illegitimate son 25 years ago. The son tracked me down wanting to know things about his biological father. My late husband and I had two children before this one was born. So, do I tell my children they have a half-brother and his aunts they have another nephew? -- TRACKED DOWN IN ILLINOIS

DEAR TRACKED DOWN: I see no reason to make any announcements right now. Keep the news to yourself until you are sure that the man wants more contact with his relatives and isn't just looking for medical information that could affect him. You also should make absolutely certain that he truly is your late husband's son by discussing it with an attorney before sharing any news or details.

Comments

[cereta]

Everyone at the DA site is yelling "DNA test!" and even more bluntly, "scammer!", but here's what I want to know: how is this her decision?

Fact One: She was no longer married to the man at the time of his death, nor even the time of the alleged son's conception. The people he is related to are her kids and the late ex's aunts.

Fact Two: Said kids are well over the age of majority. They should be the ones making any decisions, here. What standing does she have to keep this information from them?

I'm not even getting into my biases, here (I was the person calling/emailing people saying, "so, about your aunt/niece/friend who died a while ago..."). I just don't see what right she has to make the decision to keep this from the people who might actually be related to this man. And I say this as someone who takes a broad view of family.

[fox]

(I think they're the late ex's sisters, not that it matters to the actual question.)

I'm with you on it not being the LW's decision, but I do think it is the long-lost son's decision in a lot of ways. Is "Your biological father and I have two children; what would you like me to tell them about you?" an okay question? (Mind you if he says "Meep, no, nothing," I don't know if that's fair to them. Maybe "I'll tell your half-siblings I heard from you, of course, but would you like me to give them your contact information?" is a better way to go?)

[cereta]

(Yeah, I wasn't sure on that.)

There is that issue, and I'm not sure how to resolve it in a way that's fair to everyone. I'm just really, really bothered by the idea that she should keep this from them until she's investigated or somesuch.

ETA: It could depend on whether he contacted her because she was the easiest person to contact, or because he doesn't want to know the siblings. There's no easy answer, still.

[tielan]

I'm just really, really bothered by the idea that she should keep this from them until she's investigated or somesuch.

Yeah, this. But family is important to me - I have two full sisters, one half-brother, two stepbros on my mum's side, and one stepbro on my dad's side, and I would do quite a lot for them in the name of 'family'.

I feel like the (adult) children should be told, but I don't know enough of the family background to say if that's a wise decision. And also, whether the 'new' son wants to make contact with his family or only wants medical details. But the other side is that sooner or later, the adult kids will probably find out because their mom will probably slip up...so...