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Dear Abby:Alcoholic Recognizes Sober Truths After Wife Leaves Him
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 17 years to the love of my life. I met her 40 years ago while we were growing up in the same neighborhood. Last year she decided our marriage is over.
Nine years into our marriage, I became an alcoholic. Try as I might, I couldn't find a way to stop drinking. Year after year she stuck by me, hoping something would change. I never laid a hand on her, but I was verbally abusive at times while I was drinking.
Last year I found out that, due to my drinking, I had developed a heart condition that may end my life. I think it was the last straw for her because even after getting the news, I continued to drink. Seven months ago she told me we are done.
Since the day she said it, I have been clean and sober, and my heart is getting stronger. I have tried contacting her, but she won't return my calls or letters. I know the trust is gone, but I so badly want my wife back. I don't think she believes I'm finally sober because we have gone down this road many times.
How do I prove to her that I have changed and it will no longer be an issue? This is breaking my heart and has given me an insight into what she must have been feeling all these years. -- LEARNED THE HARD WAY IN INDIANA
DEAR LEARNED: The best way to prove to your wife that you have changed and won't fall off the wagon again is to continue living a clean and sober lifestyle. If you have friends or family in common, when they see what you are accomplishing every day, they may mention it to her. Even if you receive no response, continue writing to her and describing how your health is improving. I can't guarantee it will bring her back, but it may help.
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I really need an icon that says, "no, no, no, no, no"
Item the first: Your wife is not your prize for getting and remaining sober.
Item the second: If, as it really seems in this letter, you only got and are only staying sober to get your wife back, that does not bode well for your continued sobriety (which, by your letter, can be counted in the months). Work on you, on your addiction and underlying issues, on building your life sober and healthy. And...
Item the third: Leave your poor wife alone. She was with you through better, God knows she was with you through worse, and she only bailed when her choices seemed to be "leave or be widowed." Even if is believes you would stay sober this time (and what reason does she have to at this point?), she deserves her own happiness. Let her build her own life, and deal with the fallout of living with a verbally abusive alcoholic, without constantly hearing from you. She knows where to find you.
Re: I really need an icon that says, "no, no, no, no, no"
Also, Abby, don't tell him to keep writing. I mean, tell him to keep writing to her in a private journal that he never sends, but don't keep writing to her and sending them, needling her every day with his adolescent longings. Every letter actually sent increases the distance between them. Let her go and learn to love yourself.
Re: I really need an icon that says, "no, no, no, no, no"
Of course, no reputable course of treatment for addiction would tell an addict in recovery that
And even if you'd never done anything wrong, and were the world's most perfect LW, your wife is an autonomous person who is allowed to make her own life choices.
LW, good luck. And ignore everything Abby says.
Re: I really need an icon that says, "no, no, no, no, no"
Re: I really need an icon that says, "no, no, no, no, no"
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